hmmm...the battle

ok...hmm...well today is the day my friend Deanna arrives...yay! She was supposed to arrive a couple hours ago, but her flight from Calgary this morning was cancelled, so she arrives at 7:45pm HST. Yeah...we are 4 hours earlier than my home in Calgary.

This however is not really the reason I'm writing. It's been an interesting week. That's right. I've been here a week already! I have to say that it has been lovely to be able to relax so much. It's been kind of strange though. I sort of feel down, and I'm not quite sure why. no. I guess that's a lie. I do know why but i hate that I feel this way. This is for all you women like myself: SINGLE.

The reason I never took a holiday like this before on my own, was because I was waiting for someone to take me. I know that seems really childish and naive, but that's how I feel. And seeing couple after couple here...honeymooning or vacationing or just going to the beach on their day off has made me realize what I don't have.

I think I like to live a fairly independent life to show people in my life that I'm doing ok, that I'm making it on my own, only the few people I'm really close with know that I long for something so much more. I don't want to be a super independent single woman in her 30's...hear what I'm saying? I heard this beautiful song today: Beautiful Disaster. It was great because it is so true! And I'm not saying that I'm not hopeful because I am, it's just that because I don't have that quality of insane optimism like some (ahem...you know who you are!), I find myself doubting that it will ever happen.

I was talking to a friend the other day about just wanting desperately to be kissed. Yes, I left Calgary saying I just want to have a good make-out! But you know what?! That's not satisfying enough for me. I don't want to be kissed just for the sake of being kissed. I don't know if men know this or not, but it's not usually the physical that we're literally craving...it's what that physical step stands for. I want every responsibility that comes along with it. So what I'm saying is that I don't think I could actually go through with making out with some random guy, because I know that the reason I want to be kissed, and the reason the random guy wants to kiss me are entirely different...And sometimes I think it would be kinda cool if I could switch that button off so I could actually do the whole random thing, but really what would that be adding to my life? NOTHING. God says that he will give me the desire of my heart. I do believe that that will happen, but it is my downfall that I doubt by nature, that I am impatient, and that I am a woman who longs to be pursued the way a woman was meant to be pursued. And believe me when I say that I know things aren't happy ever after. I have had more than enough examples of that, but the thing is...I still want it. Bad stuff and all. I want the painful tears...because you know what that means? That you desperately love the person so much...

HAWAII BABY!

Well here I sit! I'm at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in some small town I don't even know the name of on the island of Oahu! Here's the story so far:

Because of the 4 hour time difference, I went to bed extremely early yesterday and woke up extremely early this morning. I woke up made my breakfast of pop-tarts...ewww I know...let's just say the food in my cousin's house is not all that healthy or me-friendly! I finished watching The Wedding Planner which I had started last night...that was at about 6am. Oh wait...forgot the best part...the windows are all open in their house, so you fall asleep to birds and you wake up to them. It's beautiful! Except the goose across the street...yes the neighbour has a pet goose and gets high every night! hahahaha! So, after the movie and pop-tarts, I took a refreshing shower, got myself dressed (bathing suit and all), and packed a beach bag and my lap-top just in case. I had no idea where I was going, so a map wasn't really useful, but I had a car, so I just got in and drove! I ended up at this beautiful park on the ocean with a long but skinny beach. It was gorgeous! I arrived there around 8am and took a walk (in just my bathing suit) along the waterside. I layed in the sun and watched crabs come in and out of their little hiding spots, and the clouds move across the sun. At about 9 I decided to pack up and see what else I could see. I found myself though thinking about food, so I went in search of the market Michelle told me about. I found it quite easily (right off the highway) and loaded up on fruits and veggies...Michelle told me the prices were rediculous...I don't think they're bad at all. The only thing that was really steeply priced were the red, orange, and yellow peppers...mmmmm fresh fruits and veggies! I made my way home and unpacked all of my food and went to look through the phone book for an internet cafe. I was getting hungry by this time, so I made myself a sandwich and headed to their downstairs where I watched Pirates of the carribean 2...it was POURING rain by this time...but soooooo beautiful! None of this cold stuff...warm rain....mmmmmmmm!

I had quite the adventure this afternoon...I decided to go to Starbucks since Michelle left me a $5 gift card and hoping they would have wireless. They did have a connection, but you had to pay for it....$10 for the day...but I asked about another place (where I am now), and kept it in mind for later. I sat down with my chai and wrote 2 1/2 pages of a play I'm working on, and then left in search of the internet cafe! Well...this was interesting...I took 1 wrong turn, and was headed across the island, unable to turn around. No worries though since I was not in a hurry and the scenery was increadible! Really guys...the mountains you drive through are insane (in a much different way than the rockies)! I ended up almost in Pearl Harbour, but got myself onto the correct highway headed back in the direction of Kaneohe. I took a few wrong turns after that, but got to the town I was looking for and had to pull into a Salvation Army to ask someone where it was!

Well...needless to say I am having a glorious relaxing time! It's really nice not to be in the really touristy area!

More to come!

Oh...PS I'm drinking the most delicious frapped pomegranet tea!