ME...unedited...

I sat and watched the last few weeks of a woman’s life tonight. It doesn’t matter who it was or what she did…what matters is that she wanted to make a difference. She wanted the world to see the person she was…faults and all.
Honestly? I have a hard time watching things like this…because they get me thinking. But then they almost paralyze me. I have all of these life changing moments that I want to share with people…but then I get depressed and pessimistic about the reality of there being only one me. What can one woman do? Then I shut the TV off and go on with my night or day…my life. My endless moments of denial. What do I really want? I want to make a difference. I don’t want fame or money…I want to change people’s lives.
I find myself longing to be an outspoken activist. But I don’t seem to have the nerve. After all…all I have is my own opinion. I don’t know anything.
Why is it that ordinary people hardly ever seem to make a difference? Publicity. That’s got to be it. I’m sure there are people out there who do countless things for other people. Maybe only one thing…but if they’ve made a difference in 1 life…that’s enough. Think about the fact that if each and every one of us made a difference in 1 person’s life…what a different place this would be.
I know that this has been said millions of times before…but why is it that while countries like Canada, the United States, England, France and many others are throwing out tons of food every minute, when there are countless people in the world dying of malnutrition every day? Why is it that we can’t seem to solve this? What is the answer? See…this is where I become overwhelmed. Where do I start? I guess the thing is that we can’t look to the end result…we can only look to what we can do right NOW. What is one thing I can do today to help?
Tonight I decided that it is more important to talk about these issues than anything else. And what better way to do that than through art. Artists of the world are the ones who create movements. How can we create a movement.
A dear friend is working on a project right now. It’s called the Peace Project. She is using her gift of dance to bring peace to people. What a brilliant idea.
We need to break all of the barriers…race, religion, age, sex. We all need to join together to bring peace upon the world. Do you really want your children and grandchildren to grow up in a world that is determined by the news and tabloids? Do you want to see our world taken over by the richest of the rich? Some of the most humbling people have nothing at all. Not a dime. They are lucky to have a full meal. These are the people that are so grateful for everything they have. Life is so precious to them. While the rest of us worry about how to pay our credit cards, they thank God they could feed their child that day.
How attached are we to our possessions? Could you give up everything you own? Could you live with BASIC necessities? Living in North America could you even try? I don’t know if I could do it here. I want to be able to. I want to be able to say that material things don’t matter to me at all. I guess I could say that I know I would be all right without all the stuff. The problem is that I don’t want to give it up. I want those CD’s that new DVD…I want to buy a house and funky furniture. I want to be able to eat out whenever I want and buy that cool pair of shoes. What if I didn’t have any of it? What if I got rid of my TV, my cell phone, my dvd’s, my cd’s, my stereo, computer. What if I had 2 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, a sweater, a jacket, 5 pairs of underwear, 1 bra, 5 pairs of socks, 1 pair of shoes. That’s more than most people have. I know that statement sounds false…but when you take into account every human in the WORLD…that statement is completely true. Maybe not in North America…but in the WORLD. What if instead of taking pictures, I wrote, and drew pictures to remember. What if I spent my hard earned money on things that mattered? What if I could do that? Can I do that? Is that crazy?
I’ve been here before. For 3months, I packed up my DVD’s and CD’s and stopped watching TV. I packed up over half of my clothing. I wanted to see if it made a difference. But you know what? It didn’t. But was that because I knew it was all in the storage room waiting for me to open it up again? I don’t know. I won’t know until I make the leap. Until I decide to live with the bare minimum. How does one do that in this North American Culture? How can I live and work on this continent and go completely against what the bulk of the population tells me is the right way to live? Get over myself. I don’t know if I’m ready to do that. But I WANT to be. I want it desperately.
I want to give away (not sell) my books, my dvd’s, my cd’s my cell phone, my camera, my ipod, my computer, my TV and VCR, my nic nacs. ANYTHING THAT IS NOT HAND MADE by someone dear to me. ALL the EXTRA stuff. I have a ton of it. A ton! Could I live with that…with minimal furniture…minimal clothes and linens. Could I buy all natural products and boycott anything with chemicals, artificial colors, flavors, scents…Could I buy 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 bottle of shampoo, 1 bottle of deodorant, and use them to the bitter end and recycle the packaging? I have countless bottles of half-empty products just sitting in my room…Half the clothes I own I don’t wear, with the exception of a few movies, my dvd’s are hardly watched, and my cd’s barely listened to. I am 24 and have accumulated a uhaul full of crap basically. With the exception of my artwork and old photographs…everything I own is basically unnecessary.
Can I live an artist’s life without all the glamour and technology of today?
Maybe one day I can do it. How do I prepare?
Move slowly…one step at a time. Downsize month by month. Stop eating out unless it’s someone’s birthday…do something to make a difference on my birthday instead of going out and spending money on food an alcohol. Find ways to have fun with minimal spending money, so I can put the money to better use.
Month one: CLOTHES (including accessories, outerwear and shoes)
Month two: Toiletries
Month three: nic nacs
Month four: CD’s (buy online music)
Month Five: DVD’s (rent or borrow from library) keep only brilliant artistic films and home movies.
Month Six: cell phone (unless I have no land line…one phone, minimum extras)
Is it wrong to want to be famous in order to make a difference? Would there be a way to be famous without living a celebrity lifestyle?
I’m baffled…I don’t know that I will sleep tonight. My mind is racing. I don’t know what to do. Pray. Pray for courage and light on the path that I am meant to follow. How do I use my gift as an artist to make a difference? Can I give up most of the American lifestyle?
Please God…help me along the way. Reveal to me what it is that I am meant to do. Can I begin to live the life of a "hippie rebel artist"? I would like to. I want to get over wanting to fit in…wanting everyone to like me…I know that if I embark on this path I will cross some paths of people who will not like or agree with my choices. Give me the determination and guts to do what you want me to do. To take risks. To be a rebel like Jesus. Give me the strength to walk through the storm.
Am I nuts?