After finishing the most memorable and life changing journey thus far in my life, I sit here unmotivated and frozen. I am so confused. I know I've been here before, but this feels different somehow. On the Camino, life was very simple. I got up in the morning packed my things set out for the day, arrived at another town some miles/kilometres away, showered, washed my clothes, ate dinner, had good conversation with like-minded people, prayed for my loved ones, wrote, painted, drew, sang songs, and went to bed. And although every day proved to be challenging in some new way, it seemed easier, because I was on a path. I had a specific destination. The funny thing was, in the end when it came time to reach my final destination, I wanted to run the other way, because it really wasn't about the end product or reaching the goal, it was about the journey itself. When I got back to Chicago my life seemed a little more cloudy. Or should I say my life in NORTH AMERICA seemed cloudy. I know I am an artist. I am an explorer, a risk taker and yet here I sit on my "comfortable couch" in my "comfortable world" wishing for the "uncomfortable" settings of the Camino. I have tried a little to get back into things by starting Bikram Yoga again, and reading monologues, trying to get out with friends more, but it all seems trivial and BLAH. How do I motivate myself? Why is it that when I am put in a "comfortable" position I LONG for those grueling days in Theatre School, or the days I didn't know if I could finish the Camino? How can I be those ass kickings for myself? What does that look like? Am I wrong to want someone to push me hard? To see through my bullshit and excuses and say "JULIANA GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND GO TO AN AUDITION, OR PAINT A PICTURE, OR WRITE THAT SCRIPT, OR GO TO YOGA EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!" When I try and say these things to myself I feel paralyzed, but when someone else says things like that to me, it makes me jump up and try my hardest. I realized yesterday at Yoga that I love competition. I know I'm not always going to win, or be the best at things, but when I surround myself with people that are better than me, or that I really look up to, I work harder because I know I can be just as good as them. So I guess the challenge is making the effort to figure out how to surround myself with those situations purposefully on a daily bases. Balance...it's all about balance, and I am falling all over the place right now...going from CRAZINESS to NOTHINGNESS, and nothing in between.
Any advice you have, I'd really appreciate hearing it...
...Peace...
