Confused

So I sit here...dumbfounded by tears rolling down my face that I have no idea where they came from. I am mad, sad, confused, lost, and jealous. I don't even know. I want so many things...I wish I could have I don't even know. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing things, I want to feel like it is ok to be a mess of a human being. I know that that is truly what every one of us is, but I hate it. I want to spend more than a couple days on a high, when it feels I can do anything in the world. That I am enough, that I am beautiful and worth loving. That God loves me no matter the stupid decisions I make. I want to know that I am doing what God wants from me. I want to know more than I do. I want to be someone that other people look up to. I want to feel like I am not always the broken one running for help. I want to feel sane, although I don't even know what that would feel like...I don't think I've ever experienced that. I want to learn how to be private...no I don't! I am not a very private person! I need that tangible person there on the other side of my thoughts. I don't like feeling like I'm the only one that ever feels this way. I think often of how much easier it would be to not be an artist. Would I feel things as deeply as I do now? Would I be as aware? Could I just live in denial of everything? Why can't some thing just be easy? GOD! Why can't you make things easier! I know you want us to learn I know I know I know...in theory but not in my heart. I don't want to know that...Where is that childlike faith and playfulness. Children have an amazing ability to enjoy the littlest things, feel the worst things, and yet every moment is brand new! I want that.

I feel a little like Sarah Dawn Sanders...no...a lot like her.

BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Well...things are as busy as ever. They never seem to slow down!

So I have reached my goal of putting up a show this summer. It's over...and it was a success (covered all my costs, got to act, learned a heck of a lot!)! I'm now looking into touring this show possibly in the spring just to a couple towns I have contacts in, and writing a one woman show based on one of the characters from AT RISK. Lots of work yet to do this year to get my Company up and running. I am hoping to introduce RAW Productions to the public by next Summer or Fall.

I am working 30 hours a week at a Cafe, plus anywhere from 10-20 hours babysitting and cleaning here at home. I just started working on my next show with Fire Exit Theatre (Faith Based Theatre Company here in Calgary) as their Stage Manager/Assistant Director. Lots of work goes into that let me tell you. We have rehearsals twice a week for the first two months then 3 for the last month, plus weekly reports and communication which is my responsibility. The show goes up at the end of November! I also just signed up for a Jazz class at Decidedly Jazz Danceworks. A little nervous about it since I signed up for a fairly high level so as to challenge myself and get my body in shape. I'm looking into the possibility of auditioning for "Nunsence" with Stage West that opens in January or February. Other than that...lots of odd little things: Volunteering at Calgary's Film Fest where I will be working the Galas and meeting lots of people in the business (YAY!), taking different workshops, going to see lots of shows (Mail Order Bride on Sunday), doing different events with RMC's Theatre Alumni Group and lots of other stuff too!

***Remember to BREATHE!!!***

IT'S OVER!!!

Now I'm not saying that I'm happy, but it's done. I had my first show. There will never be another. Yes there will be the first of my company and the first of many other types, but this is my very own first show! I didn't have the turn out that I had hoped for, but I had enough to cover costs and a little left over to be able to help with a cast party.

I'm now on to my next project: HALO, with Fire Exit Theatre. We start rehearsals on Tuesday so I am busy preparing for that.

I hope to work on my own stuff this year as well so that by next summer I can present my company to the public!

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported our team through this stressful yet amazing opportunity!

Well...until next time!