So I sit here...dumbfounded by tears rolling down my face that I have no idea where they came from. I am mad, sad, confused, lost, and jealous. I don't even know. I want so many things...I wish I could have I don't even know. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing things, I want to feel like it is ok to be a mess of a human being. I know that that is truly what every one of us is, but I hate it. I want to spend more than a couple days on a high, when it feels I can do anything in the world. That I am enough, that I am beautiful and worth loving. That God loves me no matter the stupid decisions I make. I want to know that I am doing what God wants from me. I want to know more than I do. I want to be someone that other people look up to. I want to feel like I am not always the broken one running for help. I want to feel sane, although I don't even know what that would feel like...I don't think I've ever experienced that. I want to learn how to be private...no I don't! I am not a very private person! I need that tangible person there on the other side of my thoughts. I don't like feeling like I'm the only one that ever feels this way. I think often of how much easier it would be to not be an artist. Would I feel things as deeply as I do now? Would I be as aware? Could I just live in denial of everything? Why can't some thing just be easy? GOD! Why can't you make things easier! I know you want us to learn I know I know I know...in theory but not in my heart. I don't want to know that...Where is that childlike faith and playfulness. Children have an amazing ability to enjoy the littlest things, feel the worst things, and yet every moment is brand new! I want that.
I feel a little like Sarah Dawn Sanders...no...a lot like her.
1 comment:
It is more than okay to be a mess sometimes... we have family and friends to help pick us back up and to remind us of our beauty. You are a very beautiful girl! In your last post I was amazed at your accomplishments! I think you are doing some amazing things. Making yourself vunerable makes your relationships with others even stronger. I deal with things by venting too!! I need to tell everyone... we all have our own way of dealing with stuff. You are so NOT the only one who feels this way.... we ALL do! I ask the 'why can't things be easier' question all the time myself. A quote for you from a Sheryl Crow song I remember quoting it to my girlfriend "No one said it would be easy... but no one said it would be THIS hard!" and my girlfriend reminded me the next line is "No one said it would be easy.... no one said we would come this far!!" The harder the obstical the bigger the reward! I do love watching life through my kids eyes. You are right! They enjoy the little things! You can do it!!! Remember to seek the support of your family and friends. Hopefully you can vent it all out... and feel a little better about things! Hugs to you!
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