Motivation, Inspiration, Vocation, Procrastination

Hmmm...it seems like these thoughts keep emerging in me.

I seem to get inspired very easily, but it is also true that the inspiration only lasts a short while. So here I am not quite sure of what I should be pursuing or not. Well...that's not entirely true. I know that what I'm doing is good...but I want to do better, and more! So how do I decide what ONE thing to add. Okay...I wasn't meaning to sound sneaky about this...I have just realized that I really miss dance and singing, and I miss acting regularly...

...So how do I do it all? My first instinct???? To sit down and write up an insane schedule with everything I want to be doing included...Getting up early to go work out, putting money aside to take vocal training and more dance training. But I have done this before (the scheduling I mean). I KNOW that overwhelming myself only pushes me farther from where I want to be.

EXAMPLE: I had made up budget after budget, but could never really seem to keep on track with my money. Finally, I just did one simple thing: I left my wallet at home! Simple and Specific (hahaha....all my acting buddies will see how funny that last sentence was)...it's just like Meisner...you need to be simple and specific, or else you won't be able to accomplish the goal. BABY STEPS...thanks Dr. Marvin...and Bob.

But I'm still left here wondering if I should even bother pursuing all of these things...the sad thing is that acting, singing, and dancing isn't the end of the list...I want to get back into piano, start speaking Spanish again, learn the guitar, paint...SEE???? It's overwhelming.

MEDIOCRE still comes to mind. I think that that is my ultimate fear. Only ever being mediocre.

Huh...I'm stressed out, but what am I doing about it? Sitting in this lousy computer chair staring into a bright monitor! I feel sort of paralyzed...I've had a bad couple of weeks...but not so obviously. I have been procrastinating a lot. I have felt unmotivated to go to Jazz class. I have been eating almost completely carbs, and lots of them (sugar included). The worst part? I've been spending most of my free time in front of this damn thing or the TV. This is the most productive I've been in a couple weeks.

Well, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know.

RAW Productions is CHANGING

Over the past 3 or 4 months I have been considering changing the name of my company. Why? This first reason: I googled RAW Productions and about a million things came up. Secondly...there was just something that wasn't sitting right with me. So here it is...
SILHOUETTE
That's right. Just one word. It sums it up.
Dark mystery...hidden truth...unexpected beauty...fragile shell...secret dreams...
A silhouette is so mysterious and beautiful. It tempts you to know more, makes you ask questions. The contrast of dark and light is so appealing to the naked eye. A silhouette is brave enough to tell the truth but only reveals what the viewer is ready to see.

2006 IN A NUT SHELL!

Well...for those of you who have only been tuning in since I set up this blogg...here is what the past year looked like for me...

JANUARY 2006

I rung in the New Year in the basement of my parents house with my mom, my dad and my good friend Roger...Shortly thereafter I was able to take a quick trip to NYC with my mom!!!! YAY! We went to see...Chicago, an Opera at the Met...and the best of ALL...THE COLOR PURPLE!!!! What an experience that was! After a very short 3 day trip...it was back to Trail BC...then after a cancelled flight to Calgary...a long night bus ride back to my last semester of school... Rehearsals began right away for our upcoming Musical Showcase and our Spring show Busybody. January 21st my best friend Marissa got engaged...getting married in JUNE! January 28th...the 23rd Anniversary of my birth...pretty wonderful hey?!

FEBRUARY

We kicked off February with the Musical Theatre Showcase which...looking back was pretty horrific...hmmm...that's a little harsh...some good some bad I guess...Songs from Godspell (my favorite), Carousel, Annie, and How To Succeed In Business. Other that the continuous rehearsals the rest of February was pretty uneventful.

MARCH

The most eventful part of this month? Busybody...all consuming rehearsals...teck week and show...quite a stressful ending...was thankful to be done! Also was the month of distributing Headshots and resumes...FUN ;)

APRIL

I found a job (phew) as a nanny and started working weekends and the occasional evening so Audrey (18mo.) could get used to me. Crunch time for our solo performances...stayed up all night and re-wrote my entire show...a little scary...vulnerable as all hell...EXPOSED: performed the first night...woke up that night puking...and such...spent the next day in emerg where it was determined I had an infection in my colon...YUCK! Had to miss my second and last performance of EXPOSED...and my very first audition :( Mended after about 2 weeks...then a week before graduation! YAY!!! I'M AN ACTOR!

MAY

An eventful month...I moved in with my former dance instructor Deirdre Young and her family to be a part time live in nanny...I don't pay rent...they don't pay child care...it's a nice arrangement! I had my first audition with Theatre Junction...amazing experience...didn't get a callback, but made the discovery that I would like to create my own work and start my own company! I began to nanny more regularly...and began rehearsals for Deirdre's dance company: Quenched Pure Performance's premiere show UNVEILED. Marissa and Peter got married May 13th in Orangeville Ontario...so I flew out there for about 4 or 5 days as I was the maid of honor...wow!

JUNE

We began June with UNVEILED...a complete success! Stressful...but a success none the less! It was revealed to me that the family I nannied for was moving unexpectedly at the end of the month...so I found another family with 3 children and began there right away. Since school had ended I was still having stomach pains which I thought might be related to my colon infection... I started a fairly strict diet of no salicylates...most of you don't know what those are...let's just say a chemical found it pretty much every plant...just less in some and more in others. So...very limited. I soon took out wheat and sugar as well, because my stomach was still acting up...started to see pounds melting off! YAY! I had auditions for the original show I was attempting to put up in August! I was also able to get back to Trail for Steps Dance Company's Alumni Reunion! We all served as MC's and even performed at the end of the first act! Awesome hey?!

JULY

A big family reunion in Trail to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday...a huge success...stressful still. My good friends Maralee and James got married July 1st! Way to go! When I got back to Calgary (this being about 4 weeks since my complete hypo allergenic diet) I finally got into my naturopath...only to discover that the stomach pains...all because of STRESS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! So, though relieved to hear I could eat normally again...a little unsure as to how to stop putting all my stress in my stomach. One way? I quite my brand new nanny position because I was getting depressed. I found a job at Community Natural Foods in the Cafe...and started to meet lots of people! YAY! I also began rehearsals for my show to be called AT RISK under construction...

AUGUST

Busy as usual... I was able to join my crazy friend Kristen in the States while on the last leg of her cross-country tour! I flew into Florida...and visited/drove through...Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Michigan...wow...we visited friends and family, and had tons of fun. I came back to crunch time on my show (not to mention my friend's [SHARLA] wedding) and put it up in front of an audience the last week of the month!!!!! What an accomplishment!

SEPTEMBER

I began rehearsals right away for an FET production... Went to a writing workshop with Lucia Frangione, had my first Film audition, and started a Jazz class at DJD.

OCTOBER

More rehearsals, Thanksgiving with my Calgary fam, a 10 hour Dance Class Marathon!, obtaining an AGENT!!!! YAY!!!, auditioned for and got a role in THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, and dressed up for Halloween!

NOVEMBER

Rehearsals get more intense... I finally meet my cast mates with TVM at "The Vagina Meet and Greet", go into teck week for HALO and get laryngitis...super sick...miss lots of work...oh yeah at my new job! My boss was awful...you can read a few posts back...found an amazing boss! FINISHED HALO!!!!

DECEMBER

Started rehearsals for TVM, auditioned for and called back to (though didn't get the part) "This Is For You Anna", had a Thanksgiving-Hanuka-Christmas-Dinner-Extravaganza"!!! Fun Times...and travelled back to BC where I spent Christmas with my family...beautiful niece and nephew who were extremely hard to say goodbye to:(

SO I guess that wasn't really a nutshell...but it was the last year of my life...what do you expect?

A Question Answered?

For those of you who are wondering about the Vagina Monologues and why I'm doing it...here's one of the reasons...our Director works with numbers of young women...read a bit of her story (This is who we are giving the money to from ticket sales):

I am at the shelter right now and am sitting here thinking about this huge endeavor we are all taking on. I just realized yesterday that I think a huge root of the pain that our girls are feeling is being unseen and unheard. We treat them like ghosts, so for alot of them, that is what they become to themselves. They come from so much pain and horror that it seems like an impossibility for them to pick themselves back up again.

I have to admit that I have been feeling very scared and burnt out myself lately; questioning why I am still here at Safe Haven and feeling desperate to see the girls get what they deserve from their lives. It is a very heartbreaking struggle most of the time. But, I want you to know that hope DOES exist here. Girls do overcome addiction, laugh at loud at the worst of times, and become children again when we make gingerbread houses or dance to cheesy radio music. They reach out for a hug even after they have been mistreated by every single person in their life. This is true courage. This is why I stay. You will make a difference in their lives.

Please know that even if we didn't raise one single penny from this play that every one of you is changing the future forever. We will be radiating energy and knowledge that can never be destroyed or tampered with. No one, and I mean no one, walks out of that theatre unchanged or unenlightened. We are an army and no one can defeat us. Our weapon is love.

Educate yourself on teenage prostitution and violence against women and girls. We have the power to stand up and say "Wake up! Teenage prostitution is slowly killing young girls in our city." I am sure that you, like myself, always felt almost "powerless" to do anything to change violence against women. You are living that opportunity RIGHT NOW. Take it and stand up for every women and child you know that has been bruised, ridiculed, tortured, and undervalued. Do it for the small girl inside of yourself who so desperately wants to heal. Free her.

Never ever underestimate your power. You are a Goddess and a Warrior. You have survived the unthinkable. We all have. Stand with your head up and your shoulders strong. You are strong. You are magnificent.

Live it. Love it. Be it.

Marsha Ellen Meidow