Huh...

So do you ever wonder if you are the only person in the world who thinks the way you do? Why is it that it's not openly talked about? I am sure that I am not the only one. I know that this is all a part of "growing up", but it would be a lot easier if other people openly talked about how they felt, thought, etc. I am openly human, day after day, and I screw up, and I don't know how to trust completely, and even though the only thing I want in life is to be able to risk everything, I still find myself stepping back, being afraid to make these jumps. I even lie to myself sometimes. Well maybe it's not lying, because it is sometimes the truth, but other times I'm just as insecure as the next woman.

Here I sit 25 years old, living in my parents' house, working at a server in a going no where restaurant while I sit here and stress about the future...even though to me the future is starting this fall. But that's the problem...I'm living for the future instead of living for right now. How do I live in the now, and still work towards something? TELL ME HOW TO DO THAT! Sometimes I just get so discouraged and think that I'm going to be stuck serving for the rest of my life, never find a husband, and be the crazy single aunt that lives off her parents. I know that I'm focusing on the negative, and there are a lot of things in my life that most people never get to do, but then I look around and everyone has these "normal" lives and sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of them which is the opposite of what I want to be feeling. I know I'm not satisfied living the "American dream life"...but I get stuck in those moments of feeling like it would be so much easier to have a "real job", make lots of money, and be out of debt and own my own home. This is what my peers are doing right now. At least that's how I feel.

I only have 5 years until I'm 30. Do you want to know where I used to picture myself at 30? As of senior year in school, I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to get married the next year, go to school to be a counselor, and by 25 have my first child. At the age of 30 I'd be living in the log house my parents' built with at least 2 children and my husband of about 10 years. Life can throw you a few curve balls hey? Let's talk about that.

I had my heart ripped out of my chest on more than one occasion by the same boy, screwed over some of my friends, represented my city for a year, travelled to Europe, met a man I fell in love with, found my career path because of him, realized that we were not really meant to ever get married, went through 2 years of grueling theatre school that changed my life, met my best friend and mentor who will always be in my life, was a live-in-nanny for almost 2 years, attempted to put up my own productions, acted in numerous shows, moved far away from my safety net in Calgary to live in Normal Illinois in hopes that Chicago will ultimately bring me that much closer to my dream of running my very own non-profit theatre company.

I hate that it seems like the greener grass is never in your own back yard! How do I make my garden a place that satisfies not only me, but possibly a future mate? How do I let go of everything so that I can open up to what is really in store for me? Here is my impatience shining through and showing it's bright colors.

Oh whoa is me...suck it up princess...

37:4

The desires of my heart will one day be spread in front of me...I just have to practice patience and have faith.