So...seeing as I've been on about oh... 3 dates in the last 4 1/2 years i am completely confused about EVERYTHING! I wrote in June 2007 when in Hawaii about wanting to be able to just casually date...the problem is I don't WANT to just casually date. I'm looking for the long haul. When my roommate told me that one of her co-workers was single and my age I told her YES let's all get together. Now let me preface this by saying yes...he is a beautifully tall muscular man with luscious chocolate skin...mmm... He seems to have a great side of him with really amazing intentions. I spent most of the night wondering though if that was enough when on the surface he was full of f this f that. Plus the fact that we were both sort of intoxicated made it less appealing. But I also found myself reveling in the fact that this beautiful black man was showing interest in me, and was not afraid to touch me (not in a creepy way or anything) or compliment me on my body. How stupid is it that am freaking out because I don't know...you know I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I feel like there are 3 conflicting parts of me within this dating scene: 1.The I WANT IT NOW part 2.The man induced SELF CONFIDENCE part, and 3.The I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH SOMEONE part...this is the part that usually stops me from dating someone multiple times, because I immediately make assumptions and decide if this would be someone I could see myself with. How do people actually date and have a good time? Because of these three conflicting parts plus the fact that I haven't been REALLY KISSED in oh about 5 years I am ready to scream out to God and say "I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE!" FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!! I don't have the answer and I'm beginning to think that I'm not ever going to be good at this, that I'm too broken to be fixed. I had a debate about sex with one of my friends and another acquaintance and basically it comes down to the fact that the one person that I thought I would end up with took something away from me that I can never get back, broke my heart and now I'm terrified to head anywhere near that point. I guess that's not totally true since I did date someone after him, but what's one relationship? Yes we ended on great terms, but we ended still. I know that every relationship is going to end until one day one doesn't...but the problem is I don't want to get too attached if I think there's a possibility of it not working out! Why is this so hard? Why does this bother me so much? Something is wrong with me.
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