Motivation after The Camino

After finishing the most memorable and life changing journey thus far in my life, I sit here unmotivated and frozen. I am so confused. I know I've been here before, but this feels different somehow. On the Camino, life was very simple. I got up in the morning packed my things set out for the day, arrived at another town some miles/kilometres away, showered, washed my clothes, ate dinner, had good conversation with like-minded people, prayed for my loved ones, wrote, painted, drew, sang songs, and went to bed. And although every day proved to be challenging in some new way, it seemed easier, because I was on a path. I had a specific destination. The funny thing was, in the end when it came time to reach my final destination, I wanted to run the other way, because it really wasn't about the end product or reaching the goal, it was about the journey itself. When I got back to Chicago my life seemed a little more cloudy. Or should I say my life in NORTH AMERICA seemed cloudy. I know I am an artist. I am an explorer, a risk taker and yet here I sit on my "comfortable couch" in my "comfortable world" wishing for the "uncomfortable" settings of the Camino. I have tried a little to get back into things by starting Bikram Yoga again, and reading monologues, trying to get out with friends more, but it all seems trivial and BLAH. How do I motivate myself? Why is it that when I am put in a "comfortable" position I LONG for those grueling days in Theatre School, or the days I didn't know if I could finish the Camino? How can I be those ass kickings for myself? What does that look like? Am I wrong to want someone to push me hard? To see through my bullshit and excuses and say "JULIANA GET UP OFF YOUR ASS AND GO TO AN AUDITION, OR PAINT A PICTURE, OR WRITE THAT SCRIPT, OR GO TO YOGA EVEN IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE IT!" When I try and say these things to myself I feel paralyzed, but when someone else says things like that to me, it makes me jump up and try my hardest. I realized yesterday at Yoga that I love competition. I know I'm not always going to win, or be the best at things, but when I surround myself with people that are better than me, or that I really look up to, I work harder because I know I can be just as good as them. So I guess the challenge is making the effort to figure out how to surround myself with those situations purposefully on a daily bases. Balance...it's all about balance, and I am falling all over the place right now...going from CRAZINESS to NOTHINGNESS, and nothing in between.

Any advice you have, I'd really appreciate hearing it...

...Peace...

The Beauty of Europe...Oh how, as an Artist I long to be a wanderer!

I sit here in my beautiful studio apartment, with all of it's character in awe of where my life has taken me, and excited for where it is about to take me. I am filled with a passion so deep, so real that I feel as though I might rip through the seams of my soul. Oh how I want to go back to the place where a lot of my self discovery first started: EUROPE... How romantic it was! So beautiful. What is it about the European lifestyle, architecture and landscape that makes it so charming? Is it that they have somehow preserved their history so well? All I know is that I am in awe of God's creation when I am there. Not that I am never in awe of the beauty of the world here in North America, but there is something different about the many small countries all huddled together, yet all speaking a different language. I thirst for the culture. I long for the language. I ache for the rolling green hills, the vineyards, the Mediterranean coast, the Swiss Alps. I would be happy to wander the streets penniless in Europe, completely excited about not knowing where I would spend that night. Painting, writing, taking pictures, eating good food, and PRAISING GOD for what he has made is SO BEAUTIFUL! I don't want to waste my life sitting in an apartment, waiting for tomorrow, so that can be over, and it can finally be Friday. I want to live in each moment, experiencing everything like it is brand new. How wonderful it would be to not worry about money! To just wander...indefinitely...every once and a while returning to the beauty of my home in the mountains...ahhhhh...

St. Theresa's Prayer

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

Infatuation VS Love

"Addiction is the hallmark of every infatuation-based love story. It all begins when the object of your adoration bestows upon you a heady, hallucinogenic dose of something you never even dared to admit that you wanted--an emotional speedball, perhaps, of thunderous love and roiling excitement. Soon you start craving that intense attention, with the hungry obsession of any junkie. When the drug is withheld, you promptly turn sick, crazy and depleted (not to mention resentful of the dealer who encouraged this addiction in the first place but who now refuses to pony up the good stuff anymore--despite the fact that you know he has it hidden somewhere, goddamn it, because he used to give it to you for free)."

--Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

I have read this several times, but it was only the most recent trip through this wonderful book that I was hit hard by this last excerpt.

ADDICTION: You are very rarely addicted to something healthy right? Most healthy in choices are something you really want and work hard at to keep in your life. Addictions are the exact opposite, because you CRAVE them, you can't live without them... I think that it is safe to say that everyone at one point in their life has become addicted to something. Maybe not severely, but enough that you could understand this last statement. I never put the two words addiction and infatuation together before. But it makes so much sense.

LOVE: Over the years I have learned that real true love is not something that is easy. You don't usually just stumble blindly into it. You have to work hard at love. You have to make the CHOICE to love someone unconditionally. It isn't going to be that "sweep you off your feet" love every minute of the day. When you are in love with someone, and you want to spend the rest of your life with them, I am a firm believer that you have to be able to stand on your own two feet. You can't depend on them or NEED them. You can WANT them, and CHOOSE to love them, but crossing that line of dependence throws you into a dangerous road to addiction.

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me?
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all of the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace

Lately I've been thinking maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for, 'cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow, I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
to a man who loves music, a man who loves art
respects the spirit world, and thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
if you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
and do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice, my eyes, my soul, my mind
Tell me what is enough to prove I am ready for love
I am ready

--Ready For Love, India Arie

Life and Death

Why is it that when someone close to you passes on, there is not one comforting word you can hear? I wish that magically I could say that one thing that everyone needs to hear but no one ever does because we don't actually know what it is.

I am so thankful that in death, there is always a shimmer of life. Not only are there the memories of the life lived and lost, but the innocence of the children in your life that proves to you that the circle of life must go on.

Mourning is such a difficult time, but completely necessary to allow you to keep on living your life. When mourning, some crazy thoughts go through your head. Did I love them enough? Did I too often take them for granted? Why do I still hate those things they did?

It is important during this time to allow yourself these thoughts. Bottom line is you loved this person. You don't need to glorify him or her just because you feel terrible that you have had any negative thoughts towards them in the past. In families, and close friends I find that people mistake hate or dislike for a person's actions to be hate of the person himself. This is why people live with guilt and shame around these thoughts. REMEMBER THIS: You loved this person, but you didn't always agree with their choices, words or actions. You aren't to closed off to see the good in this person, you know they have done noble things in their life, there is no question. Put the guilt and shame to bed, and just let yourself feel what you feel. Be honest. If there was ever a time to say what you wanted to say to them, this is it. Write it down, say it out loud, but get it out.