Control VS Responsibility

Concept I am struggling with...How do I give over ultimate control and still know when I need to be responsible for daily things? Ultimately fear of failure usually holds me back...but even more so when I don't really know what I'm getting myself into. Humbling to think that really when it comes down to it, I have no idea...When am I in line with the ultimate plan? How do I know? How do I give up control when I know I'm going to fail in surrendering? GRACE...I guess that is the be all end all. I am human and not expected to be perfect...only expected to try to the best of my ability. Sometimes though, I use being human as an excuse for screwing up. I take advantage of forgiveness and live for myself other than for God. Frustrating to think that perfection can never be achieved and that we are bound to fail over and over again.

NEWS

Alrighty all you curious folks (few I'm sure!)...Well I went to Coffee & 'Scream last Thursday and basically got hired on the spot...had an awesome chat with the owner, and got a great feeling about the place. Nothing was for sure though untill she confirmed training on SUNDAY! So...I had to give notice to Community VERY last minute... so you get the whole picture, I brought in this letter on Monday (I was supposed to work there the next morning but was going to work at C&C that day):

November 6, 2006

ATTN: Café Manager

Dear Richard,

I regret to inform you that I have been offered a position elsewhere and therefore this letter serves as notice of my resignation effective immediately. I understand this may come as a surprise at a time that you are so short staffed, but due to the urgent needs of this recent offer I will only be available to work Fridays for the remainder of this month.


Sincerely,

Juliana Marko

As you can see, because I knew of the lack of staff in the cafe, I offered them my services on the one day that was possibly the worst...Fridays. Tuesday, I received this message on my phone:

"Hi Juliana this is Richard from Community Natural Foods calling to let you know that we will NOT need you to come in on Friday and will be putting your "termination" papers through right away..."

SO if you can imagine that in the most pissed off voice...hahaha...obviously he took it personal and is now going to have to pay for it. I am planning on speaking with head office about his behavior towards his employees, so they know the reason people keep leaving the cafe.

YIKES! On a super good note...

I LOVE my new job! The people are so nice an appreciative, and supportive...encouraging; pretty much everything Richard was NOT! It's a great atmosphere, super close to home and to the boys' school and right near Marissa's house and my rehearsal space! YAY!!!!!

Lots of things going on as usual!

Rocky Mountain College is performing "Salt Water Moon" tomorrow night and Saturday at the Easterbrook Theatre in the Curry Barracks here in Calgary...

QUENCHED PURE PERFORMANCE (Dee and friends) will be performing in "Raise a Joyful Noise" at the Jack Singer Concert Hall on Sunday evening (6pm).

If you're around come check them out...they're sure to be great!

I am currently writing an original play plus working on adapting a short novel...thinking about possibly doing both next year...who knows:)

This post was kind of all over the place, but that's sort of how I'm living right now so...HA!

Skipping Out

Well...as awful as it is I'm not going to work today...I have a cold...but that's not the whole reason. For those of you who don't live in Calgary...it's been winter here for the past week!!! YIKES...I have to take 2 buses to get to work plus walk about 15 minutes...in the cold! Anyhoo...I was driving the boys to school yesterday and drove by this shop called Coffee 'N Scream...it's a coffee shop mostly for parents, and there's a kids fun room. They had a sign out that said hiring part time...SURPRISED? GOOD WAGES! So long story short...I'm going down there today to apply. There's a bus right in front of my house that stops right in front of Coffee 'N Scream, so I wouldn't have to do any walking! So here's hoping I get the job. My boss Richard at Community is probably the least emotionally intelligent man I know. Both me and the other girl got yelled at on Tuesday...doesn't really make the work environment very good does it? I mean...I know that most "JOBS" I will have I probably won't enjoy fully, but if the people are nice, it makes it bearable...plus the whole taking 10 minutes to get there is a real plus next to a whole hour!!!! Please pray that this works out...I applied for another job, but never heard back, so I'm really hoping for this one.

Lots to Tell!!!!!!!

Well everyone...after waiting for 2 1/2 weeks, I finally found out that I got a part in the Vagina Monologues! I'm oh so excited! I will be doing a monologue called "The Vagina Workshop". This will be the first year that they are having someone young do it...which means it will bring something totally new to the part! The show goes up in March at The Max Bell Theatre (Theatre Calgary's stage), and we will be doing 4 performances. YIPEE!!!!!! Check out the link to see what the Vagina Monologues and V-Day are all about!

Last night I had a relaxing night...went out to dinner with the "fam" then drove the boys home so Dee and Billy could go see a show. Put the boys to bed, then made myself dessert, sat and watched "Serendipity" and had a glass (or more) of wine. I went to bed at a reasonable hour...around midnight, but kept having all these ideas float through my head about this play that I'm writing. I got up, turned on the light, and began to write...I was up till almost 3am! YIKES! I'm so inspired though and super excited about where the story is going...I won't give details, as I want people to come see it for themselves, but what I will tell you is that the fact and fiction is beginning to mold wonderfully together! My next step now, as I have a pretty solid base, is to contact One Yellow Rabbit again and give them a complete synopsis and vision for the play. Enough hopefully to make them want to do a co-pro with me! I'm planning hopefully to put the show up at the end of next January (2008)....SO EXCITING!!!!!!!

Well...that's all for now...as always more to come I'm sure!

New Happenings

Well hey there...Sunday was DJD's Dance Class Marathon...10 hours of workout! I took Ballet, Belly Dance, West African, Brazilian, Modern, a core/stretch class, Afro Funk, Indonesian, Salsa and a Yoga/massage class. 2 Days later I hurt quite a bit (in an "I worked hard" kind of way). I'm sort of lopsided...my right calf muscle, my left bum, my core, my right peck, and my neck...hahaha.

I finally had my meeting with Paul Ritchie (Talent Inc.) yesterday, and because of a recommendation from a guy I auditioned for he has decided to sign me! YAY! So, I am awaiting a contract for signature, and then I will be hopefully starting to get work. I will be on his principle roster (not background). I know I will probably be getting some background work, but he knows that I'm actually an actor, and not just in it to be on TV.

So that's my news for now! Lots more to come I'm sure.

Nightmares

I had an unbelievably real seeming nightmare this morning...it left me with knots in my back, a feeling of nausea and on the verge of tears.

We were at a hotel somewhere off in the mountains, and invited to some gathering in room 435. Only there was no 4th floor. There was a button in the elevator, so no one actually knew. The elevator shot through the glass, left me with a gash on my forehead and landed us on the roof. He the preceded to take all of the children and put them in his van, then somehow transported us all to a different location where he shot babies one by one as well as any of the rest of us who tried to escape. At one point my friend spoke up and said something really profound...enough to distract him long enough for us both to scramble into his van and hit the gas. There were no other vehicles at the site, so we were sure to be safe. For some reason though, instead of driving straight to the police we drove down a driveway and went into an abandoned house...WHY WOULD I DO THAT???? WHY WOULDN'T I KEEP DRIVING?! For some reason the house started to move, almost like an earthquake and I tumbled out of the house and hopped on a bike which had no lights so I couldn't see a thing. I abandoned the bike and ran to the next farm house and pressed the door bell numerous times. I knew the people that owned the house so when they saw the frightened look on my face they immediately let me in. By this time I had lost my friend, and I had expected the worse for her. We called the police immediately and could hear shrieks of infants being slaughtered. I knew if was only moments before he would come looking for me. we ran around the house trying to lock every opening...but before we got to the large screen door, he appeared in the house...gun raised and ready to shoot. It seemed that only the kids and me were worried enough to put our hands in the air...the others still scrambled around until they noticed he was there. He took me by the arm and said "maybe this will teach you"...as he fired a shot through my frail wrist.

I tried to wake myself and keep myself from thinking about the dream, but all I could think was "how stupid of you...why didn't you run into the dark bushes?...he never would have found you. Why didn't you drive to the police right away?"

I came upstairs soon after and asked Dee for a hug. I needed a little comfort as silly as that sounds. As Dee left for work she saw the tears start to well up in my eyes and told me that thoughts that are anything but loving can't possibly be from God...so try to fight it off, brush it off...yes, that's what I need to do.

Thanksgiving and more...

Happy Thanksgiving all!

I spent a relaxing day yesterday with my Calgary family here at home. We had a pot luck style dinner...lots of yummy food! Greek Potatoes, Turkey, Veggies, stuffed mushrooms, Sweet Potatoes...yummy dip with chips and delicious Pumpkin mousse pie with mom's zucchini loaf. Oh and don't forget the wine! I slept today...till 11am! What is that? Can't usually do that.

I had an audition for the Vagina Monologues on Wednesday which went great...here's hoping I get in! I have also been commissioned by my mother to adapt her short novel into a play...enough to hopefully pay for my entire first season of RAW Productions! Woot Woot! I'm looking into a couple of opportunities to paint murals either for trade or money. I had a little mishap with my meeting with a prospective Agent, so hopefully I will be meeting with him this week sometime. I am participating in DJD's Dance Class Marathon this Sunday...10 hours of mind blowing classes. So looking forward to that! I have been taking a Jazz class there which I LOVE! It's great to still have that part of my life! I'm tossing around 3 plays right now, and seem to be concentrating on one in particular that will be introduced sometime next fall. I'm cutting my hours down at Community come November as it is too crazy to be working that much with everything else going on. Rehearsals for Halo are going well. The actors will be off book this week (which means more work for me)...and things are coming along. I'm starting a sort of small group...basically just me and two other girls. We're going to get together once a week just to keep each other accountable and support each other.

That's all for now...

Why are we always trying to be something we're not?

This picture shows how far some people will go to fit an image they have in their head of what "PERFECTION" is. I can't say I'm much different. I struggle with this every day. I know that media is a huge part of the reason we as women especially feel that we need to be thinner to fit the image of "BEAUTY". All I can think of when I see this picture is how ugly skinny really is. We were not built to look like this! I wonder how she even has enough muscle to stand up let alone move around.

I am writing today because I am at that place of total confusion as to where and what exactly I should be doing. I know this Company is my future...but now all the little details are where I'm getting caught up in. A thought: Maybe I'm focusing too much on trying to find out where each decision will take me that I'm missing the answers right in front of my face. Hmmm...This is something that I struggle with all the time. The little decisions (usually involving money of some sort) are the toughest for me: Venues, marketing, fundraising, paying people, keeping my job, paying my bills...the usual. I know that I have not chosen an easy path...but when it comes down to it, I'm not happy doing anything else (I am reminded of this every time I get up to go to work). I want to be content in letting the answers come when it's time...but isn't this one of the hardest things?

PATIENCE...a virtue I try to work towards every single day.

Confused

So I sit here...dumbfounded by tears rolling down my face that I have no idea where they came from. I am mad, sad, confused, lost, and jealous. I don't even know. I want so many things...I wish I could have I don't even know. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing things, I want to feel like it is ok to be a mess of a human being. I know that that is truly what every one of us is, but I hate it. I want to spend more than a couple days on a high, when it feels I can do anything in the world. That I am enough, that I am beautiful and worth loving. That God loves me no matter the stupid decisions I make. I want to know that I am doing what God wants from me. I want to know more than I do. I want to be someone that other people look up to. I want to feel like I am not always the broken one running for help. I want to feel sane, although I don't even know what that would feel like...I don't think I've ever experienced that. I want to learn how to be private...no I don't! I am not a very private person! I need that tangible person there on the other side of my thoughts. I don't like feeling like I'm the only one that ever feels this way. I think often of how much easier it would be to not be an artist. Would I feel things as deeply as I do now? Would I be as aware? Could I just live in denial of everything? Why can't some thing just be easy? GOD! Why can't you make things easier! I know you want us to learn I know I know I know...in theory but not in my heart. I don't want to know that...Where is that childlike faith and playfulness. Children have an amazing ability to enjoy the littlest things, feel the worst things, and yet every moment is brand new! I want that.

I feel a little like Sarah Dawn Sanders...no...a lot like her.

BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Well...things are as busy as ever. They never seem to slow down!

So I have reached my goal of putting up a show this summer. It's over...and it was a success (covered all my costs, got to act, learned a heck of a lot!)! I'm now looking into touring this show possibly in the spring just to a couple towns I have contacts in, and writing a one woman show based on one of the characters from AT RISK. Lots of work yet to do this year to get my Company up and running. I am hoping to introduce RAW Productions to the public by next Summer or Fall.

I am working 30 hours a week at a Cafe, plus anywhere from 10-20 hours babysitting and cleaning here at home. I just started working on my next show with Fire Exit Theatre (Faith Based Theatre Company here in Calgary) as their Stage Manager/Assistant Director. Lots of work goes into that let me tell you. We have rehearsals twice a week for the first two months then 3 for the last month, plus weekly reports and communication which is my responsibility. The show goes up at the end of November! I also just signed up for a Jazz class at Decidedly Jazz Danceworks. A little nervous about it since I signed up for a fairly high level so as to challenge myself and get my body in shape. I'm looking into the possibility of auditioning for "Nunsence" with Stage West that opens in January or February. Other than that...lots of odd little things: Volunteering at Calgary's Film Fest where I will be working the Galas and meeting lots of people in the business (YAY!), taking different workshops, going to see lots of shows (Mail Order Bride on Sunday), doing different events with RMC's Theatre Alumni Group and lots of other stuff too!

***Remember to BREATHE!!!***

IT'S OVER!!!

Now I'm not saying that I'm happy, but it's done. I had my first show. There will never be another. Yes there will be the first of my company and the first of many other types, but this is my very own first show! I didn't have the turn out that I had hoped for, but I had enough to cover costs and a little left over to be able to help with a cast party.

I'm now on to my next project: HALO, with Fire Exit Theatre. We start rehearsals on Tuesday so I am busy preparing for that.

I hope to work on my own stuff this year as well so that by next summer I can present my company to the public!

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported our team through this stressful yet amazing opportunity!

Well...until next time!

AT RISK HAS OPENED!!!!

Well everyone...The show is up! We had our opening night last night and had about 20 people come out. I'm happy with that! Things seem to be going quite smoothly. I'm sure I won't be able to comment much until a few months from now, but if you can...come out and see it for yourself!

HMMMMMMM....

Well, we had our Dress Rehearsal last night which went surprisingly well. I let go of the fact that I lost a cast member and just went with what we had. We added a few new things, and it is now a very different show from what it started as 2 months ago.

I am baffled though that today, when I am free to do whatever I want I feel more stressed than ever. All I want to do is curl up and watch TV all day (it was brought to my attention that this would not be the most beneficial thing to do). So I am feeling very stuck and stubborn. I don't want to sit down and write; I don't want to think about the show, I don't want to paint, play piano, go for a walk, or even spend time with God. I have this feeling like it would be so cool if I could just not eat all day...NOT A HEALTHY THOUGHT! But on the other hand I'm dreaming of what I could eat all day long (pretty extreme huh?!). I laid down on my couch to just lay there...realizing that I feel quite depressed and I wasn't expecting to feel that until after the show was finished. I have this disgusting mess of a room which I want to be clean but I don't want to do it. It's a beautiful day outside and I feel as though I'm doing something wrong by not going outside. Wow...I'm in a really awful mood! I can't even explain it. It's not really like I'm grumpy...just really stubborn I guess.

HUH...well God...just be with me right now. I just need you to hold me. Don't say it's all going to be ok...don't even say anything, just hold me and comfort me in what I am feeling right now in this moment. As I write this I cry for I know that the only true comfort I can get is from you. Thank you for being that unconditional love that we all need so very much!

Shit Hit The Fan

I know that everything happens for a reason, but I'm still trying to figure out why another cast member would back out of the show. That's right...I said another. Our French-Canadian has now backed out...she has hurt her back and has been told to rest (I don't think this is the only reason however). So I am trying to stay calm and breathe my way through this one...but this is BIG. Really BIG! We have people coming to an invited dress rehearsal tomorrow night. She did not show up last night, but we were still hoping that she would be in the show, so we tried to work the best we could without her. It wasn't until a half hour ago that I recieved an email from her boyfriend telling me she would not be able to make it. Now, I have to decide what we do from here. Do I create an entirely different character altogether and scrap the already new character I have taken on since John left? Do I just leave as is and figure out how to re-work the show order? Do I keep the order the same and fill in Janie's spot with some sort of tie in of all of us? Needless to say I am not impressed, I'm stressed beyond belief and I'm having trouble staying positive. God...YOU are what is going to get me through this. I know I cannot see the whole picture, and I know you have great plans for me and this company I feel drawn to create. Give me the STRENGTH and COURAGE I need to get over this hurdle.

BEEN A WHILE...

Well...A lot has taken place in the last couple of days. So, we spent the day in Mobile on Friday for Kristen's gig, then drove most of the day Saturday to Gainsville Georgia to stay with a couple of her friends Dave and Julie. Kristen played at both church services the next morning, and we all went out to lunch to visit. Next it was a quick trip up to Winton Salem North Carolina to visit with a youth group she worked with in West Virginia and Atlanta. Man were those some crazy 17 year olds! They treated us like queens! It was an early day today especially for Kristen who stayed up to 4am!!!!! We left at 7:30am for a long drive to Cleveland Ohio where I currently am right now. So great to see aunts, uncles and cousins! We're off tomorrow after lunch to Normal, Illinois to see my bro Tom play a gig in Peoria, and then visit with my beautiful Neice and Nephew and sister Melissa. After that we are heading to Michigan to visit another Youth Group that Kristen has worked with. Then, last on Friday we drive to Toronto and I fly out from there! YIKES!!!!! BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!!!! Well that's all for now...I gotta go visit with my auntie pammy!!!!!! YAY!!

New Orleans

Well yall...I spent today in New Orleans...pretty sad to say that it's not as vibrant as it once was. I did get to eat a "po boy" and see the French Quarter as well as Bourbon St. Kristen drove me through the demolished part of town which was a little overwhelming. I took some videos and pics of some crazy stuff...roofs in trees, houses on top of each other, a garage sticking out on it's side out of the middle of a house...empty lots and that sort of thing. Tomorrow we're in Mobile all day for a gig Kristen is playing where I will be selling her merchandise for her and the band she's playing for. We are blessed with a home to stay in while we are here with free food and a nice comfy bed! I'm having a ton of fun so far so let's see where the next couple of days take me!

SOUTHERN U S OF A!!!

Hey all...here in Fairhope Alabama hangin with my friend Kristen. Having tons of fun and seeing some cool stuff. Eating lots and relaxin' lots. Heading to New Orleans tomorrow for the day, then have a gig of Kristen's on Friday, up to Gainsville Georgia on Saturday for a gig Sunday morning...then North Carolina, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan and Ontario! I'll update if anything really exciting happens!

Stress...What is that?

Well...as much as I try I can't seem to get a handle on this whole stress thing. I lie to myself often and tell myself that I'm not stressed, but really, I don't know how to not be stressed right now. I guess maybe if I was spending time out with friends that was just for fun and not discuss anything that is going on in my life that would be just fine. The problem is the few friends I have here are usually buys when I am free. Hmmm...what a predicament hey? I was very dissappointed to hear that my good friend Katie will not be moving to Calgary in September like I thought she was. She was offered a job in Trail that she much prefers to the one she had here, so that's that. I think I'm jsut complaining now, but somehow I think that I need to vent you know? The past two weeks have been anything but easy. Looking after my friends' high need dog was a challenge. They live about 10 minutes north of where I am right now, so basically 10 minutes further from everything. Yes, I did have a vehicle, but I had to be in it more than I wanted to because of the needs of the animals. Plus having our rehearsal space (though very nice) way out in Hawkwood, and working downtown and still looking after the boys at home and making trips to the Chiropractor and such...huh, yeah busy. Well, I', a little overwhelmed right now as I am in house full of people I don't know and had a pretty rough night. You see, anytime I get some down time where I don't have to be anywhere I don't feel like working on my show. That's tough. I know I need to be working on it, but I'm so exhausted! Huh...well now that my rambling has sort of gotten out of control, I'm just going to shut up. You know what? I'm not even going to spell check this, so if you are wondering why there are mistakes....there you go. I'm in a BAD MOOD!

ALWAYS CHANGING!

So, yesterday it was confirmed that John will no longer be working with us as he was offered a job that involves two weeks of training at the end of August. To say the least I had a rough day. Thankfully though it was the rehearsal that Jamie was going to observe, so we were able to bounce ideas off of him and re-work the show. Sad to say I will no longer be incorporating my abstract character that would weave the show together. On the other hand I will be taking on John’s role in a way that allows me to move to one of the monologues. My cast is an amazing support system and we all worked together to find the best way to move forward. Jamie was able to get us re-motivated in that he gave us tons of stuff to work with…ideas for the visual aspect and transitions etc. So, I can’t say that I’m any less stress than I was before John left, but at least I sort of know where I’m going. I have a lot of work to do.

On another note…Lisa, one of my cast members has decided to apply to the Theatre Program at RMC! I’m thrilled for her as I know that this will be something that will benefit her. I’ve seen her work and I know she would make a good fit. She is just waiting for acceptance and then the only other hurdle is financing. She’s 27, already has a bachelors degree so this is a huge step. WAY TO GO LISA! I’ll be there helping her along in her journey.

Only 6 days until my road trip with Kristen. I’m excited but can’t help of thinking that I’m taking 10 days away from my show right before it goes up. If necessary I will ask her to help me once and a while with my own monologues…the rest is up to the cast. We are going to be in Georgia, Alabama, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan and Ontario so it will be a trip to remember that’s for sure.

Well…wish me luck!

Why is being an artist so hard?

As artists we are called to dig deep within our souls to create things that inspire change in others as well as ourselves. That’s not an easy task. Ask any professional artist: painters, sculptors, dancers, musicians, actors, writers. We’re all alike. You know, sometimes I think about how much easier it would be to be doing something where I don’t have to use my creative mind, but I know that I would be miserable without my art. I have to remind myself of that daily because there are many moments when I question whether it’s worth it or not.

I’m going through a really rough time with this show. I’m struggling to believe that I am enough. My mind is consumed by this project, and yes I know that’s probably a good thing, but there are times I wish I could think about something else, that I could be free of tension. Creating is hardly ever stress free. It’s interesting to me that usually when I find creating stress free is when I am doing it just for fun; just for me. I guess that shows that I am a little worried about putting this in the public’s eye, especially when things seem to always go wrong at the last minute.

So here are the things I am trying to remind myself of daily:

You’ve got to get in there and DO.
Limits are a secret blessing and bounty can be a curse.
No deprivation no inspiration.
Whom the gods wish to destroy they give unlimited resources.
Venturing out of your comfort zone may be dangerous, yet you do it anyway because our ability to grow is directly proportional to an ability to entertain the uncomfortable.

Taken from Twyla Tharp's THE CREATIVE HABIT