Me

Well...it's been a while since I actually posted something about me and what's up in my life so here it goes!
I thought December was going to be pretty quiet...not as much going on, but that never happens in an artist's life! I guess I did get some rest seeing as I was sick for a couple weeks, but busy none the less. I had my first rehearsal for The Vagina Monologues just a few short days after I finished my last show and it was awesome. I am really looking forward to this experience (not to mention acting on Theatre Calgary's stage!!!). I just had an audition for a show called "This Is For You Anna: A Spectacle of Revenge", and just got an email today inviting me to callbacks! YAY!
I love my job at Coffee & 'Scream and am going to be getting a few more hours come January. I'm trying my best to get together with some friends before I head to BC for a week. I was able to go see "The Holiday" last night and OH MY! BEST MOVIE EVER! It really was...no lie...GO SEE IT!
I've been out to see a couple of shows...DJD's "ROOT 7" (amazing), and Coldwater's "Rockin' Glory Sonshine Band" (Hilarious!!!) and Rocky's Second Year Shakespeare Showcase on Friday night.
Some of us folks are having a "Thanksgiving/Hannuka/Christmas Dinner Extravaganza" tomorrow...where there is sure to be games...lots of food, and hopefully presents! Hahahaha!
I'm still trucking away on 2 plays...whoa...what work! Exciting though.
Going to my parents' place from the 23rd to the 30th then back here to pick up my dear friends at the airport New Years Eve at 11:30pm (I'm not bitter)...but M&P you better be ready to do something crazy fun for midnight!
Well...I think that's pretty much me in a nutshell right now.

RISK

Well...it's over. I've learned a lot.

• When and when not to use my voice.
• What not to do as a director.
• The work is more important than the publicity.
• I need to research any job before I take it.
• I will never stage manage again for free unless it is with my own company or possibly one of my close friends'.
• A great script is ESSENTIAL no matter who the director or actors may be.
• How important it is to be honest with your cast and crew.
• Casting is a very difficult yet crucial part of a great play.
• It's okay to abandon an idea/point of view in order to uphold the authenticity of the piece.
• Being able to be myself (bad parts and all) is better than holding it all in.
• Taking into account the opinions of those who are close to me is beneficial to my success.

That's just a glance of what the last 3 months have brought me. In no way am I announcing that I now know all...actually the exact opposite...I now know how little I know. But now, I want to go out and create and do some hands on learning. HOORAY FOR MISTAKES! In the mistakes I learn how to get that much closer to where I need to be.

One will never reach success if they aren't willing to risk loosing everything. It's all about the RISK!

Iridescence

How do we fight the darkness
How do we find our way back
I want so much to fly
Fly away from this world
To see it from a different view
Soar through an endless sky

Iridescent lights like dizziness
Ready to capture me
Ready to lead me away

Reckless abandonment
That is what I want
I want to do something wrong
I want to say its okay
I don’t want to care anymore
To be ignorant…bliss

Iridescent lights like dizziness
Ready to capture me
Ready to lead me away

I don’t want to know the truth
But who would I be then
Living in a world that doesn’t exist
Only spins around me like…
Iridescent lights like dizziness
Ready to capture me
Ready to lead me away

Control VS Responsibility

Concept I am struggling with...How do I give over ultimate control and still know when I need to be responsible for daily things? Ultimately fear of failure usually holds me back...but even more so when I don't really know what I'm getting myself into. Humbling to think that really when it comes down to it, I have no idea...When am I in line with the ultimate plan? How do I know? How do I give up control when I know I'm going to fail in surrendering? GRACE...I guess that is the be all end all. I am human and not expected to be perfect...only expected to try to the best of my ability. Sometimes though, I use being human as an excuse for screwing up. I take advantage of forgiveness and live for myself other than for God. Frustrating to think that perfection can never be achieved and that we are bound to fail over and over again.

NEWS

Alrighty all you curious folks (few I'm sure!)...Well I went to Coffee & 'Scream last Thursday and basically got hired on the spot...had an awesome chat with the owner, and got a great feeling about the place. Nothing was for sure though untill she confirmed training on SUNDAY! So...I had to give notice to Community VERY last minute... so you get the whole picture, I brought in this letter on Monday (I was supposed to work there the next morning but was going to work at C&C that day):

November 6, 2006

ATTN: Café Manager

Dear Richard,

I regret to inform you that I have been offered a position elsewhere and therefore this letter serves as notice of my resignation effective immediately. I understand this may come as a surprise at a time that you are so short staffed, but due to the urgent needs of this recent offer I will only be available to work Fridays for the remainder of this month.


Sincerely,

Juliana Marko

As you can see, because I knew of the lack of staff in the cafe, I offered them my services on the one day that was possibly the worst...Fridays. Tuesday, I received this message on my phone:

"Hi Juliana this is Richard from Community Natural Foods calling to let you know that we will NOT need you to come in on Friday and will be putting your "termination" papers through right away..."

SO if you can imagine that in the most pissed off voice...hahaha...obviously he took it personal and is now going to have to pay for it. I am planning on speaking with head office about his behavior towards his employees, so they know the reason people keep leaving the cafe.

YIKES! On a super good note...

I LOVE my new job! The people are so nice an appreciative, and supportive...encouraging; pretty much everything Richard was NOT! It's a great atmosphere, super close to home and to the boys' school and right near Marissa's house and my rehearsal space! YAY!!!!!

Lots of things going on as usual!

Rocky Mountain College is performing "Salt Water Moon" tomorrow night and Saturday at the Easterbrook Theatre in the Curry Barracks here in Calgary...

QUENCHED PURE PERFORMANCE (Dee and friends) will be performing in "Raise a Joyful Noise" at the Jack Singer Concert Hall on Sunday evening (6pm).

If you're around come check them out...they're sure to be great!

I am currently writing an original play plus working on adapting a short novel...thinking about possibly doing both next year...who knows:)

This post was kind of all over the place, but that's sort of how I'm living right now so...HA!

Skipping Out

Well...as awful as it is I'm not going to work today...I have a cold...but that's not the whole reason. For those of you who don't live in Calgary...it's been winter here for the past week!!! YIKES...I have to take 2 buses to get to work plus walk about 15 minutes...in the cold! Anyhoo...I was driving the boys to school yesterday and drove by this shop called Coffee 'N Scream...it's a coffee shop mostly for parents, and there's a kids fun room. They had a sign out that said hiring part time...SURPRISED? GOOD WAGES! So long story short...I'm going down there today to apply. There's a bus right in front of my house that stops right in front of Coffee 'N Scream, so I wouldn't have to do any walking! So here's hoping I get the job. My boss Richard at Community is probably the least emotionally intelligent man I know. Both me and the other girl got yelled at on Tuesday...doesn't really make the work environment very good does it? I mean...I know that most "JOBS" I will have I probably won't enjoy fully, but if the people are nice, it makes it bearable...plus the whole taking 10 minutes to get there is a real plus next to a whole hour!!!! Please pray that this works out...I applied for another job, but never heard back, so I'm really hoping for this one.

Lots to Tell!!!!!!!

Well everyone...after waiting for 2 1/2 weeks, I finally found out that I got a part in the Vagina Monologues! I'm oh so excited! I will be doing a monologue called "The Vagina Workshop". This will be the first year that they are having someone young do it...which means it will bring something totally new to the part! The show goes up in March at The Max Bell Theatre (Theatre Calgary's stage), and we will be doing 4 performances. YIPEE!!!!!! Check out the link to see what the Vagina Monologues and V-Day are all about!

Last night I had a relaxing night...went out to dinner with the "fam" then drove the boys home so Dee and Billy could go see a show. Put the boys to bed, then made myself dessert, sat and watched "Serendipity" and had a glass (or more) of wine. I went to bed at a reasonable hour...around midnight, but kept having all these ideas float through my head about this play that I'm writing. I got up, turned on the light, and began to write...I was up till almost 3am! YIKES! I'm so inspired though and super excited about where the story is going...I won't give details, as I want people to come see it for themselves, but what I will tell you is that the fact and fiction is beginning to mold wonderfully together! My next step now, as I have a pretty solid base, is to contact One Yellow Rabbit again and give them a complete synopsis and vision for the play. Enough hopefully to make them want to do a co-pro with me! I'm planning hopefully to put the show up at the end of next January (2008)....SO EXCITING!!!!!!!

Well...that's all for now...as always more to come I'm sure!

New Happenings

Well hey there...Sunday was DJD's Dance Class Marathon...10 hours of workout! I took Ballet, Belly Dance, West African, Brazilian, Modern, a core/stretch class, Afro Funk, Indonesian, Salsa and a Yoga/massage class. 2 Days later I hurt quite a bit (in an "I worked hard" kind of way). I'm sort of lopsided...my right calf muscle, my left bum, my core, my right peck, and my neck...hahaha.

I finally had my meeting with Paul Ritchie (Talent Inc.) yesterday, and because of a recommendation from a guy I auditioned for he has decided to sign me! YAY! So, I am awaiting a contract for signature, and then I will be hopefully starting to get work. I will be on his principle roster (not background). I know I will probably be getting some background work, but he knows that I'm actually an actor, and not just in it to be on TV.

So that's my news for now! Lots more to come I'm sure.

Nightmares

I had an unbelievably real seeming nightmare this morning...it left me with knots in my back, a feeling of nausea and on the verge of tears.

We were at a hotel somewhere off in the mountains, and invited to some gathering in room 435. Only there was no 4th floor. There was a button in the elevator, so no one actually knew. The elevator shot through the glass, left me with a gash on my forehead and landed us on the roof. He the preceded to take all of the children and put them in his van, then somehow transported us all to a different location where he shot babies one by one as well as any of the rest of us who tried to escape. At one point my friend spoke up and said something really profound...enough to distract him long enough for us both to scramble into his van and hit the gas. There were no other vehicles at the site, so we were sure to be safe. For some reason though, instead of driving straight to the police we drove down a driveway and went into an abandoned house...WHY WOULD I DO THAT???? WHY WOULDN'T I KEEP DRIVING?! For some reason the house started to move, almost like an earthquake and I tumbled out of the house and hopped on a bike which had no lights so I couldn't see a thing. I abandoned the bike and ran to the next farm house and pressed the door bell numerous times. I knew the people that owned the house so when they saw the frightened look on my face they immediately let me in. By this time I had lost my friend, and I had expected the worse for her. We called the police immediately and could hear shrieks of infants being slaughtered. I knew if was only moments before he would come looking for me. we ran around the house trying to lock every opening...but before we got to the large screen door, he appeared in the house...gun raised and ready to shoot. It seemed that only the kids and me were worried enough to put our hands in the air...the others still scrambled around until they noticed he was there. He took me by the arm and said "maybe this will teach you"...as he fired a shot through my frail wrist.

I tried to wake myself and keep myself from thinking about the dream, but all I could think was "how stupid of you...why didn't you run into the dark bushes?...he never would have found you. Why didn't you drive to the police right away?"

I came upstairs soon after and asked Dee for a hug. I needed a little comfort as silly as that sounds. As Dee left for work she saw the tears start to well up in my eyes and told me that thoughts that are anything but loving can't possibly be from God...so try to fight it off, brush it off...yes, that's what I need to do.

Thanksgiving and more...

Happy Thanksgiving all!

I spent a relaxing day yesterday with my Calgary family here at home. We had a pot luck style dinner...lots of yummy food! Greek Potatoes, Turkey, Veggies, stuffed mushrooms, Sweet Potatoes...yummy dip with chips and delicious Pumpkin mousse pie with mom's zucchini loaf. Oh and don't forget the wine! I slept today...till 11am! What is that? Can't usually do that.

I had an audition for the Vagina Monologues on Wednesday which went great...here's hoping I get in! I have also been commissioned by my mother to adapt her short novel into a play...enough to hopefully pay for my entire first season of RAW Productions! Woot Woot! I'm looking into a couple of opportunities to paint murals either for trade or money. I had a little mishap with my meeting with a prospective Agent, so hopefully I will be meeting with him this week sometime. I am participating in DJD's Dance Class Marathon this Sunday...10 hours of mind blowing classes. So looking forward to that! I have been taking a Jazz class there which I LOVE! It's great to still have that part of my life! I'm tossing around 3 plays right now, and seem to be concentrating on one in particular that will be introduced sometime next fall. I'm cutting my hours down at Community come November as it is too crazy to be working that much with everything else going on. Rehearsals for Halo are going well. The actors will be off book this week (which means more work for me)...and things are coming along. I'm starting a sort of small group...basically just me and two other girls. We're going to get together once a week just to keep each other accountable and support each other.

That's all for now...

Why are we always trying to be something we're not?

This picture shows how far some people will go to fit an image they have in their head of what "PERFECTION" is. I can't say I'm much different. I struggle with this every day. I know that media is a huge part of the reason we as women especially feel that we need to be thinner to fit the image of "BEAUTY". All I can think of when I see this picture is how ugly skinny really is. We were not built to look like this! I wonder how she even has enough muscle to stand up let alone move around.

I am writing today because I am at that place of total confusion as to where and what exactly I should be doing. I know this Company is my future...but now all the little details are where I'm getting caught up in. A thought: Maybe I'm focusing too much on trying to find out where each decision will take me that I'm missing the answers right in front of my face. Hmmm...This is something that I struggle with all the time. The little decisions (usually involving money of some sort) are the toughest for me: Venues, marketing, fundraising, paying people, keeping my job, paying my bills...the usual. I know that I have not chosen an easy path...but when it comes down to it, I'm not happy doing anything else (I am reminded of this every time I get up to go to work). I want to be content in letting the answers come when it's time...but isn't this one of the hardest things?

PATIENCE...a virtue I try to work towards every single day.

Confused

So I sit here...dumbfounded by tears rolling down my face that I have no idea where they came from. I am mad, sad, confused, lost, and jealous. I don't even know. I want so many things...I wish I could have I don't even know. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing things, I want to feel like it is ok to be a mess of a human being. I know that that is truly what every one of us is, but I hate it. I want to spend more than a couple days on a high, when it feels I can do anything in the world. That I am enough, that I am beautiful and worth loving. That God loves me no matter the stupid decisions I make. I want to know that I am doing what God wants from me. I want to know more than I do. I want to be someone that other people look up to. I want to feel like I am not always the broken one running for help. I want to feel sane, although I don't even know what that would feel like...I don't think I've ever experienced that. I want to learn how to be private...no I don't! I am not a very private person! I need that tangible person there on the other side of my thoughts. I don't like feeling like I'm the only one that ever feels this way. I think often of how much easier it would be to not be an artist. Would I feel things as deeply as I do now? Would I be as aware? Could I just live in denial of everything? Why can't some thing just be easy? GOD! Why can't you make things easier! I know you want us to learn I know I know I know...in theory but not in my heart. I don't want to know that...Where is that childlike faith and playfulness. Children have an amazing ability to enjoy the littlest things, feel the worst things, and yet every moment is brand new! I want that.

I feel a little like Sarah Dawn Sanders...no...a lot like her.

BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Well...things are as busy as ever. They never seem to slow down!

So I have reached my goal of putting up a show this summer. It's over...and it was a success (covered all my costs, got to act, learned a heck of a lot!)! I'm now looking into touring this show possibly in the spring just to a couple towns I have contacts in, and writing a one woman show based on one of the characters from AT RISK. Lots of work yet to do this year to get my Company up and running. I am hoping to introduce RAW Productions to the public by next Summer or Fall.

I am working 30 hours a week at a Cafe, plus anywhere from 10-20 hours babysitting and cleaning here at home. I just started working on my next show with Fire Exit Theatre (Faith Based Theatre Company here in Calgary) as their Stage Manager/Assistant Director. Lots of work goes into that let me tell you. We have rehearsals twice a week for the first two months then 3 for the last month, plus weekly reports and communication which is my responsibility. The show goes up at the end of November! I also just signed up for a Jazz class at Decidedly Jazz Danceworks. A little nervous about it since I signed up for a fairly high level so as to challenge myself and get my body in shape. I'm looking into the possibility of auditioning for "Nunsence" with Stage West that opens in January or February. Other than that...lots of odd little things: Volunteering at Calgary's Film Fest where I will be working the Galas and meeting lots of people in the business (YAY!), taking different workshops, going to see lots of shows (Mail Order Bride on Sunday), doing different events with RMC's Theatre Alumni Group and lots of other stuff too!

***Remember to BREATHE!!!***

IT'S OVER!!!

Now I'm not saying that I'm happy, but it's done. I had my first show. There will never be another. Yes there will be the first of my company and the first of many other types, but this is my very own first show! I didn't have the turn out that I had hoped for, but I had enough to cover costs and a little left over to be able to help with a cast party.

I'm now on to my next project: HALO, with Fire Exit Theatre. We start rehearsals on Tuesday so I am busy preparing for that.

I hope to work on my own stuff this year as well so that by next summer I can present my company to the public!

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported our team through this stressful yet amazing opportunity!

Well...until next time!

AT RISK HAS OPENED!!!!

Well everyone...The show is up! We had our opening night last night and had about 20 people come out. I'm happy with that! Things seem to be going quite smoothly. I'm sure I won't be able to comment much until a few months from now, but if you can...come out and see it for yourself!

HMMMMMMM....

Well, we had our Dress Rehearsal last night which went surprisingly well. I let go of the fact that I lost a cast member and just went with what we had. We added a few new things, and it is now a very different show from what it started as 2 months ago.

I am baffled though that today, when I am free to do whatever I want I feel more stressed than ever. All I want to do is curl up and watch TV all day (it was brought to my attention that this would not be the most beneficial thing to do). So I am feeling very stuck and stubborn. I don't want to sit down and write; I don't want to think about the show, I don't want to paint, play piano, go for a walk, or even spend time with God. I have this feeling like it would be so cool if I could just not eat all day...NOT A HEALTHY THOUGHT! But on the other hand I'm dreaming of what I could eat all day long (pretty extreme huh?!). I laid down on my couch to just lay there...realizing that I feel quite depressed and I wasn't expecting to feel that until after the show was finished. I have this disgusting mess of a room which I want to be clean but I don't want to do it. It's a beautiful day outside and I feel as though I'm doing something wrong by not going outside. Wow...I'm in a really awful mood! I can't even explain it. It's not really like I'm grumpy...just really stubborn I guess.

HUH...well God...just be with me right now. I just need you to hold me. Don't say it's all going to be ok...don't even say anything, just hold me and comfort me in what I am feeling right now in this moment. As I write this I cry for I know that the only true comfort I can get is from you. Thank you for being that unconditional love that we all need so very much!

Shit Hit The Fan

I know that everything happens for a reason, but I'm still trying to figure out why another cast member would back out of the show. That's right...I said another. Our French-Canadian has now backed out...she has hurt her back and has been told to rest (I don't think this is the only reason however). So I am trying to stay calm and breathe my way through this one...but this is BIG. Really BIG! We have people coming to an invited dress rehearsal tomorrow night. She did not show up last night, but we were still hoping that she would be in the show, so we tried to work the best we could without her. It wasn't until a half hour ago that I recieved an email from her boyfriend telling me she would not be able to make it. Now, I have to decide what we do from here. Do I create an entirely different character altogether and scrap the already new character I have taken on since John left? Do I just leave as is and figure out how to re-work the show order? Do I keep the order the same and fill in Janie's spot with some sort of tie in of all of us? Needless to say I am not impressed, I'm stressed beyond belief and I'm having trouble staying positive. God...YOU are what is going to get me through this. I know I cannot see the whole picture, and I know you have great plans for me and this company I feel drawn to create. Give me the STRENGTH and COURAGE I need to get over this hurdle.

BEEN A WHILE...

Well...A lot has taken place in the last couple of days. So, we spent the day in Mobile on Friday for Kristen's gig, then drove most of the day Saturday to Gainsville Georgia to stay with a couple of her friends Dave and Julie. Kristen played at both church services the next morning, and we all went out to lunch to visit. Next it was a quick trip up to Winton Salem North Carolina to visit with a youth group she worked with in West Virginia and Atlanta. Man were those some crazy 17 year olds! They treated us like queens! It was an early day today especially for Kristen who stayed up to 4am!!!!! We left at 7:30am for a long drive to Cleveland Ohio where I currently am right now. So great to see aunts, uncles and cousins! We're off tomorrow after lunch to Normal, Illinois to see my bro Tom play a gig in Peoria, and then visit with my beautiful Neice and Nephew and sister Melissa. After that we are heading to Michigan to visit another Youth Group that Kristen has worked with. Then, last on Friday we drive to Toronto and I fly out from there! YIKES!!!!! BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!!!! Well that's all for now...I gotta go visit with my auntie pammy!!!!!! YAY!!

New Orleans

Well yall...I spent today in New Orleans...pretty sad to say that it's not as vibrant as it once was. I did get to eat a "po boy" and see the French Quarter as well as Bourbon St. Kristen drove me through the demolished part of town which was a little overwhelming. I took some videos and pics of some crazy stuff...roofs in trees, houses on top of each other, a garage sticking out on it's side out of the middle of a house...empty lots and that sort of thing. Tomorrow we're in Mobile all day for a gig Kristen is playing where I will be selling her merchandise for her and the band she's playing for. We are blessed with a home to stay in while we are here with free food and a nice comfy bed! I'm having a ton of fun so far so let's see where the next couple of days take me!

SOUTHERN U S OF A!!!

Hey all...here in Fairhope Alabama hangin with my friend Kristen. Having tons of fun and seeing some cool stuff. Eating lots and relaxin' lots. Heading to New Orleans tomorrow for the day, then have a gig of Kristen's on Friday, up to Gainsville Georgia on Saturday for a gig Sunday morning...then North Carolina, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan and Ontario! I'll update if anything really exciting happens!

Stress...What is that?

Well...as much as I try I can't seem to get a handle on this whole stress thing. I lie to myself often and tell myself that I'm not stressed, but really, I don't know how to not be stressed right now. I guess maybe if I was spending time out with friends that was just for fun and not discuss anything that is going on in my life that would be just fine. The problem is the few friends I have here are usually buys when I am free. Hmmm...what a predicament hey? I was very dissappointed to hear that my good friend Katie will not be moving to Calgary in September like I thought she was. She was offered a job in Trail that she much prefers to the one she had here, so that's that. I think I'm jsut complaining now, but somehow I think that I need to vent you know? The past two weeks have been anything but easy. Looking after my friends' high need dog was a challenge. They live about 10 minutes north of where I am right now, so basically 10 minutes further from everything. Yes, I did have a vehicle, but I had to be in it more than I wanted to because of the needs of the animals. Plus having our rehearsal space (though very nice) way out in Hawkwood, and working downtown and still looking after the boys at home and making trips to the Chiropractor and such...huh, yeah busy. Well, I', a little overwhelmed right now as I am in house full of people I don't know and had a pretty rough night. You see, anytime I get some down time where I don't have to be anywhere I don't feel like working on my show. That's tough. I know I need to be working on it, but I'm so exhausted! Huh...well now that my rambling has sort of gotten out of control, I'm just going to shut up. You know what? I'm not even going to spell check this, so if you are wondering why there are mistakes....there you go. I'm in a BAD MOOD!

ALWAYS CHANGING!

So, yesterday it was confirmed that John will no longer be working with us as he was offered a job that involves two weeks of training at the end of August. To say the least I had a rough day. Thankfully though it was the rehearsal that Jamie was going to observe, so we were able to bounce ideas off of him and re-work the show. Sad to say I will no longer be incorporating my abstract character that would weave the show together. On the other hand I will be taking on John’s role in a way that allows me to move to one of the monologues. My cast is an amazing support system and we all worked together to find the best way to move forward. Jamie was able to get us re-motivated in that he gave us tons of stuff to work with…ideas for the visual aspect and transitions etc. So, I can’t say that I’m any less stress than I was before John left, but at least I sort of know where I’m going. I have a lot of work to do.

On another note…Lisa, one of my cast members has decided to apply to the Theatre Program at RMC! I’m thrilled for her as I know that this will be something that will benefit her. I’ve seen her work and I know she would make a good fit. She is just waiting for acceptance and then the only other hurdle is financing. She’s 27, already has a bachelors degree so this is a huge step. WAY TO GO LISA! I’ll be there helping her along in her journey.

Only 6 days until my road trip with Kristen. I’m excited but can’t help of thinking that I’m taking 10 days away from my show right before it goes up. If necessary I will ask her to help me once and a while with my own monologues…the rest is up to the cast. We are going to be in Georgia, Alabama, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan and Ontario so it will be a trip to remember that’s for sure.

Well…wish me luck!

Why is being an artist so hard?

As artists we are called to dig deep within our souls to create things that inspire change in others as well as ourselves. That’s not an easy task. Ask any professional artist: painters, sculptors, dancers, musicians, actors, writers. We’re all alike. You know, sometimes I think about how much easier it would be to be doing something where I don’t have to use my creative mind, but I know that I would be miserable without my art. I have to remind myself of that daily because there are many moments when I question whether it’s worth it or not.

I’m going through a really rough time with this show. I’m struggling to believe that I am enough. My mind is consumed by this project, and yes I know that’s probably a good thing, but there are times I wish I could think about something else, that I could be free of tension. Creating is hardly ever stress free. It’s interesting to me that usually when I find creating stress free is when I am doing it just for fun; just for me. I guess that shows that I am a little worried about putting this in the public’s eye, especially when things seem to always go wrong at the last minute.

So here are the things I am trying to remind myself of daily:

You’ve got to get in there and DO.
Limits are a secret blessing and bounty can be a curse.
No deprivation no inspiration.
Whom the gods wish to destroy they give unlimited resources.
Venturing out of your comfort zone may be dangerous, yet you do it anyway because our ability to grow is directly proportional to an ability to entertain the uncomfortable.

Taken from Twyla Tharp's THE CREATIVE HABIT

AT RISK under construction

Are you living a life that isn’t really yours?
Are you so blind that you have forgotten who you really are?

Come join us for an evening of theatre, movement and song:
A Post Graduate Work
by Juliana Marko

August 29, 30 & 31, 2006
7:30pm

Cardel Theatre

6010 12th St. SE (lower level of Cardel Homes Centre)

Tickets: Students $5 Adults $7
To reserve your tickets call 875-5525 or email
raw.productions@yahoo.ca
(cash or cheque only)
**Please note this show is not suitable for children under 13.
Thank you Summit School of Dance, Cardel Homes, The Arts Farm and the Owens Young Family for your support!

Still Learning!

Wow...so now I have fully taken on the 5th character in my show. I am a little more nervous about this whole thing now. Thankfully I have some amazing support. I have now decided to make this character quite abstract: she moves to words instead of music. Doing something like this is so terrifying to me because it is so different and stretches so many boundaries. Last night was the first time I actually put it up on my feet (with the help of a great friend and mentor). Baby steps...move to her voice to begin with, just to get used to the idea of moving with no music. To be honest...I felt like I was in and amongst my own nightmares. But it did inspire me to change my script a little and make it more like beat poetry than just a regular old monologue. Who wouldda thought I'd end up doing ANYTHING like this? Not me that's for sure. Life sure has a way of surprising you! Probably the 2 hardest classes for me were movement and performance creation, and now I have stepped up to the plate to actually attempt them both in combination in front of an audience! I am hoping to spend 5-6 hours by myself on this character before I attempt to bring it into the rest of the cast. Tuesday is a HUGE day. My former instructor (now mentor) Jamie Popoff will be coming to observe rehearsal and give his feedback. This is really territory he is familiar with so it will help us to see what is working, what isn't and what could. Time is flying by. Thankfully I have the next week to concentrate pretty much solely on the show (with the exception of looking after the boys), as I don't work at the cafe until Wednesday. Thursday we jump into the theatre where we can really start to shape things the way we want them to be seen. My friend Peter will be helping me out with lights and sound as well as set. Hopefully Kyla will be able to come too so she can be a part of it. I know it seems crazy that right near the end of rehearsals I am going away for 10 days, but I think I will really need it. As soon as I get back it's crunch time as Dress Rehearsal will only be a few days away with the show going up in 1 week. I am still pumped about the rest of the process though scared out of my mind when it comes to me personally being completely vulnerable and breaking through the box I have built for myself. Thank God for GRACE!

A TITLE!

Well, here we are, a little less than 1 month before we try out this piece in front of an audience. We finally have a title for the show: AT RISK under construction. Things are rolling pretty smoothly. Our biggest bump so far is Kyla's injury. She will not be able to dance, so I am taking over her roll. What was going to be her dancing to my recorded voice over is now going to be me...my voice and my movement live on stage with the rest of the characters. I'll be honest: I'm a little scared. BUT...I believe that everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to be in this show. And the more I think about it, I'm actually glad because the next few projects I'm working on all involve being behind the scenes instead of acting...here's a chance to learn even more! The shape of the show is coming together and turning into something I never even dreamed of. The monologues will range from being memorized, to improv with a guideline of points they need to cover. There will be movement as well as song which will make it sound like a musical...but it's far from it. I haven't mentioned too much about how this show is actually being created, so let's make it a little clearer: This piece was inspired by my 20 minute solo show that I created last semester in school. Now, I have 4 other characters joining my already established character in a journey that is far from easy. I created the foundation for the characters, and through improv, free writing and discussion we have collaboratively created full rounded characters and their monologues. What it has developed into is a series of monologues using the diversity of the characters to make each very unique...but seemingly similar. I see myself in more of a facilitator role than a director, though there are moments where I need to take on that role. The cast: Lisa DiGiacinto, John Vieira, Marissa Chastain, Janie Fontaine and I will all be recognized for this collaborative creation. It's a one act show and because of the amount of improv will range in time but I'm hoping it will be around an hour. Please come out and join us August 29th, 30th and 31st at 7:30pm in The Cardel Theatre! Tickets are only $7 so bring a friend! Email me at raw.productions@yahoo.ca or call 403.875.5525 to reserve your tickets! Hope to see you there:)

UPDATE:

So I am now officially a daytimer geek. I have so many things going on that I can't live without one! I have had my first 2 shifts at the Sunflower Cafe in Community Natural Foods, and I love it! I'm so happy to be meeting new people and being busy enough all day that the time passes really quickly. My show is well on its way to being ready for its first run in front of an audience. I meet with my cast 3 times a week, and thankfully get a lot accomplished. I am blessed to have 5 other emerging artists work along side me in this adventure. We are waiting for news from one of our cast members as to if she will be able to continue on with us. She fell and tore her MCL (muscle in her knee), so hopefully she will know soon what kind of shape she's in. If she is unable to do the show I will be stepping in for her. It may be God's way of nudging me to be in this show. I had Callbacks for Halo last night, and we are well on our way to getting the cast that we need for the show in November. I start house sitting for a friend tomorrow so will have basically 3 jobs plus 2 shows to work on. Thankfully I am able to use their car while they are away so as to get places on time and go from one thing to another. So, my life has not slowed down in the least. I'm glad I have a scheduled vacation, because otherwise I don't know if I'd get any time for just plain fun. Really looking forward to my trip down to Alabama...North Carolina, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan and Ontario too! ROAD TRIP!!!!!! YAY!

BIG WEEK!!!

Well all...I have had quite the week. First of all I got a job at Community Natural Foods downtown which is awesome! I'll be working part time in the cafe there starting next Tuesday.

Monday night was my first rehearsal for my upcoming show. I had rehearsal again the following night and have been working pretty hard at it. It's amazing the things you can discover when you are merely observing. Creating this piece is going to be such an adventure and learning experience. I can't wait to see where it takes us! I am totally excited about going through this process even with the short time I now realize we have.

Last night was the second round of auditions for Halo with Fire Exit Theatre, and my first night on the job as Stage Manager / Assistant Director. I am so blessed to be given this opportunity to learn about these positions and gain knowledge that I can use one day to make some of my dreams come true. Thankfully rehearsals won't be starting until after my show is finished, so it's really one project to the next (the way an Artist's life should be!!).

I get a little bit of a rest this weekend, as it is my friend's birthday, but it's right back to my busy life on Monday.

My New Look!

So for all of you who have not seen me in a while...here I was and here I am! I went to the complete opposite of what I used to be! Long and Blonde to Short and Brown! It's fun though...I needed a big change! Something to say I am an adult and no longer a student. Look out professional world here I come! Wouldn't you hire me?! Hahahaha...

I'm starting rehearsals tonight and of course I had nightmares last night. I guess I'm a little worried...who me? worried? HA! Yeah it turns out that my stomach has been unhappy with me because for the last 10 years or so I've been putting all of my stress, worry and nerves into my stomach...funny how that works hey? So now I am faced with the job of figuring out how to deal with my stress. Many prayers in this time are needed! I'm starting a whole new life right now and it's scary and exciting and I'm looking forward to becoming the best "grown up" (yuck) I can be :)

Ask And You Shall Receive

Well...The biggest thing I've learned over the past couple of weeks is that if I am bold and courageous in asking for what I need, God will bless me in more ways than I would ever expect. Also, that if I choose to include God in all of my decisions, but still make the effort myself, things will happen; GREAT THINGS. Here I am with almost no money, but blessed with a family that is so charitable in letting me live with them in exchange for part time child care. In sending out resumes today, I received a phone call almost immediately to set up an interview. I've also been blessed with the opportunity to learn more about stage managing and directing through Fire Exit Theatre. I have been offered the SM/AD position for their next show "Halo". As well, even though it seems the show dates for my own show are rapidly approaching and I am no where near a finished product, I am incredibly excited about creating this new work and working with other emerging artists in Calgary. I am reminded every day of what a difference it makes to include God, close friends and mentors in my every day struggles in life. Thank you to all of you who have chosen to walk beside me in my journey. I am truly greatful.

Jumping The Gun

So for some reason I like to jump the gun on thinking I'm over something, or that I'm perfectly alright, when really, I'm just denying myself the time I need to work through things. Yesterday I was completely convinced that I had made my way out of the huge pit I dug myself into earlier in the week...today...not so sure. My emotions seem to be all over the place. Mostly I just have to get over some pride issues and call someone, like I chose to today. And what a difference that makes! To have someone just to chat and hang with that won't coddle you, but won't discourage you either. I know that I've always struggled with MOTIVATION, but it is becoming more and more apparent every day. EXAMPLE: Meisner Class...haven't been in two weeks. Have found every excuse in the book NOT to memorize my scene. WHAT IS THAT???!!! And now that we only have one class left, it's like "well how far could we get with this scene anyway in one class?" I'm afraid. I know that. But I don't exactly know why. I was going to try and answer that, but I have no idea where to start. hmmm...thought for the day...WHY AM I AFRAID?

QUITTING! (Not What You Think)

So...I've made the decision to quit my position as a nanny. I've been quite down lately, and I know that it's in part because I am not meeting many people here in Calgary. I am going to find a part time job that allows me to spend more time in the Theatre Industry meeting people and learning all that I can. I made myself look for opportunities around the city and finally got myself motivated enough that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I just want to shout out some praise to all of my wonderful mentors, friends and family who have been so supportive and encouraging...I really appreciate it! I'm now super excited about this show I'm putting up in August. It's going to be something completely different! YAY!!!!!!!! I've got my cast, and I am really looking forward to exploring these characters with them! Hallelujah! Well...wish me luck!

Holding On

Well, here I am. An artist. What does that mean? It means in everything I do I look to be creative. No one said it would be easy...and I knew the life of an artist wouldn't, but I am here hanging on by a thread. There are only a few things that keep me holding on: My amazing friends who are so supportive and encouraging, and the words of my acting instructor: You'll want to quit almost every day, but you won't, because you are an artist. I can't imagine my life with out art; any type of art! I live to create and affect the lives of others. Right now I am trying to remember that as I work at my day job for money! So, I must keep my motivation and read The Creative Habit, and The Artist's Way, and Meisner on Acting, and lots of other books. I will have a lot of coffees with working professionals and learn everything I can about the business and the craft. I will forgive myself for the mistakes I make, because they only make me a stronger person. I will love the Lord my God with all my mind, body and spirit, for that is what He wants me to do. I find when one thing is slipping in my life the others all start to suffer as well. This is me. Like it or not.

Post Graduate Work

The show I am presently working on was inspired by my 20 minute solo show that I performed as a part of class requirement in April 2006 entitled EXPOSED. I was challenged to be vulnerable in my work and as a result of that, learned more about myself than I ever thought possible. Through the process of creating that show I was filled with a desire to explore other characters in the same light as the character I had already developed based on me. The questions I want to explore with other emerging, Calgary actors are: How do other people experience these same problems? Are people aware that they are seen differently than they think they are? Do we get so blinded by expectations from friends and family that we forget our own passions and dreams? I want to try my hand at writing and directing. I am prepared for the many hurdles and obstaclesI will encounter along the way. I suppose it is similar to what a 3rd and 4th year student, in a different style of Theatre Program, might attempt at this stage in their learning. Choosing to perform this work challenges me and let’s me sort some things out and learn more about myself and others. I’m not sure where this show is headed yet. I have the roots planted, and now I want to discover its potential. This is a first step to creating my own work and jumping into the theatre world. Auditions, rehearsals and shows are all being held in spaces I can afford as a graduate and starving actor: FREE! Right now I am working with whatever I can get.