What do I do with this?

I hope that these days get closer and closer together so that I am completely motivated to change something.

Yet again I'm sitting watching TV and something as simple as a commercial for those phones that you can hold up to a song and it will find out who sings it, and the title (all that good stuff)comes on. I'm sitting there thinking about how crazy technology has gotten these days, and that reminds me of the AMOUNT of money that is spent on these gadgets. Not only the gadgets, but clothes...property...anything that makes you look successful and like you have a lot of money.

I'm reminded everyday walking through downtown Chicago of how I don't fit in. I have what like $20 boots with my "blacks" from work, a white ski jacket and a huge scarf wrapped around my head. I look to the left and the right and see women in these high fashion boots, skinny jeans, or short skirts with leggings, probably $200-$700 jackets, and a beautiful scarf that I can't imagine keeping me warm.

I'm completely human too might I add...I watch shows like "What Not To Wear" and I say to my roommate I wish I could have $5000 to spend on clothes and someone to tell me what's flattering on my figure. But the next moment I'm thinking about how everyone that comes out of that show looks the same! And how awful is it that they spent that much money in only 3 days on CLOTHES when there are people who could provide for their families for MONTHS on that?

I'm even a little disturbed at the amount of money I make and that sometimes I wish I could make more, even though I EASILY live the life I want to on what I make now! And believe me...I don't make what most people would say as A LOT of money!

I know that this is part of the reason I want my Theatre Company to be something different. Is this where this emotional energy needs to go? Do I need to stop putting energy into other things and just start writing my own works based on these issues? Is that where I start? Making contacts is HUGE I know...but sometimes I feel like I'm waisting my time and that I could be doing something so much more useful. Bottom line is that I want my art to fuel change in others. I want to help people who don't have as much as I do. But I'll be the first to say that there are a lot of times where I just want to buy clothes, and look pretty, and have the cute boyfriend, and travel.

Oh what a ramble...but...maybe this is what I need. I need to WRITE...I need to find people like me to connect with. I want to reach out to people and do Theatre that is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT from anything that's out there...

One step at a time...that's all it takes. I'm prepared for the long road ahead of me.

I obviously needed to learn a lesson...

So after my last entry, I decided to just get over myself and hang out with Tim again. So, Sunday I met him at his work, and we went walking around Chicago. We then sat by the lake for an hour or so and talked. We come from 2 completely different worlds. I'm not going to get into all of that, so we'll just leave it at that. I came into the day with no judgment, and no expectations, and let myself fall deep into the moment. And yes he was always telling me how "fine" I was or "don't you ever go on no diet...i like my women thick". He also called me his "boo" to his friend on the phone. I was completely caught up in this movie-like fantasy. Completely having fun, and enjoying being kissed for the first time in a very LONG time! He even said "man that why you so soft? Nobody been rubbin' you, nobody been kissin' you!" Ok...that's enough information. Anyway, we had to head back to pick up my roommate and when I pulled over to let him out he kissed me, and I could see Marissa squirming in her seat. He got out and she freaked out (in a good way...she's never seen me kiss anyone)! I told her the story and told her I was just having fun...which I was. But I still wasn't really thinking at all about it. Yesterday I had the day off, so I met up with him again, and we went to the zoo...after a series of events that were starting to pull me back into reality. I sort of refused to be brought back all the way, so we hung out the rest of the day, and things went a little farther than I had really wanted them to. I mean I was able to say no when I really needed to, and he was respectful of that, but because it has been so long, it was so difficult to say no. I told him I had work to get done and that he needed to leave after the movie (he also had to get up at 4am today for work, and I didn't want him being late on my account). I don't think he has any idea that I'm not super into him. Seriously as awful as this sounds I just got lost in the moment of being wanted and being touched. He isn't someone I can see myself actually dating. Now I am stuck in the position of having to tell him this. I have never been put in this situation before. The few guys I've dated have all broken up with me. Now, I've said no to dates, but I haven't had to tell someone that it's just not working. Yikes...I was on cloud nine on Sunday night, but after yesterday I realized why I am usually picky. And first impressions ARE usually your gut telling you something. Instincts are a powerful thing. And though I really just wanted to be wanted and it felt so good to know that someone wanted me, I don't actually want him, and that's not fair to either of us. Funny how things work out. I was not myself at all the last couple of days and I didn't like it at all. Here's hoping this was a very important lesson in my dating education...

yet again i am stumped on this whole dating thing...

So...seeing as I've been on about oh... 3 dates in the last 4 1/2 years i am completely confused about EVERYTHING! I wrote in June 2007 when in Hawaii about wanting to be able to just casually date...the problem is I don't WANT to just casually date. I'm looking for the long haul. When my roommate told me that one of her co-workers was single and my age I told her YES let's all get together. Now let me preface this by saying yes...he is a beautifully tall muscular man with luscious chocolate skin...mmm... He seems to have a great side of him with really amazing intentions. I spent most of the night wondering though if that was enough when on the surface he was full of f this f that. Plus the fact that we were both sort of intoxicated made it less appealing. But I also found myself reveling in the fact that this beautiful black man was showing interest in me, and was not afraid to touch me (not in a creepy way or anything) or compliment me on my body. How stupid is it that am freaking out because I don't know...you know I don't really know what I'm trying to say here. I feel like there are 3 conflicting parts of me within this dating scene: 1.The I WANT IT NOW part 2.The man induced SELF CONFIDENCE part, and 3.The I WANT TO GROW OLD WITH SOMEONE part...this is the part that usually stops me from dating someone multiple times, because I immediately make assumptions and decide if this would be someone I could see myself with. How do people actually date and have a good time? Because of these three conflicting parts plus the fact that I haven't been REALLY KISSED in oh about 5 years I am ready to scream out to God and say "I DON'T WANT TO WAIT ANYMORE!" FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!!! I don't have the answer and I'm beginning to think that I'm not ever going to be good at this, that I'm too broken to be fixed. I had a debate about sex with one of my friends and another acquaintance and basically it comes down to the fact that the one person that I thought I would end up with took something away from me that I can never get back, broke my heart and now I'm terrified to head anywhere near that point. I guess that's not totally true since I did date someone after him, but what's one relationship? Yes we ended on great terms, but we ended still. I know that every relationship is going to end until one day one doesn't...but the problem is I don't want to get too attached if I think there's a possibility of it not working out! Why is this so hard? Why does this bother me so much? Something is wrong with me.

An Update on Me

Well…some of you have been in the know or involved with my life for the past few months, but as I am coming up to a BIG change I wanted to update everyone on what’s been going on with me.
I’ve been working at Lonestar Steakhouse since March and chilling with my awesome niece and nephew. My newest niece Milana Lucia Marko was born on May 23rd with lung complications so my parents and I took care of the kids for 10 days while my bro and missy were down in Springfield at the Ronald McDonald House. All is well now though…she’s growing so fast! So all in all I’ve really been enjoying being a "real" Auntie!
June and July were hectic. I worked a TON and was preparing hard core for the fund-raiser I held in Fruitvale BC. I flew to BC at the end of July and was able to participate in a Family Camp Reunion at Camp Koolaree out on Kootenay Lake. It was AMAZING. I forgot how much I miss the mountains! My fund-raiser was a complete success thanks to friends and family who worked their butts off for me (you know who you are)! I ended up raising almost twice what I had hoped to make at best! I was also able to take a quick trip to Calgary (I’m sorry if I didn’t get a chance to see some of you) where I was able to see my beautiful boys that I missed oh so much! I was out at least once a day maybe more to see people and take in the Calgary that I know and love! And back to Illinois it was mid August.
Now with only 2 days left at Lonestar things are really becoming REAL. I’m a little overwhelmed…EXREMELY excited though! My good friend Marissa and her boyfriend drove up with their car packed to the brim on Sunday afternoon, and yesterday I was able to drive them up to the city to take a look at our neighborhood and take them to the airport…off to a whirlwind experience in Europe. My friend Tori came up with us as well and after dropping Marissa and Shannon off we picked up her friend Josh and headed into downtown. Josh was kind enough to lead us around to all of the restaurants I wanted to apply to. One of them (Le Colonial) happened to be recommended to me by a friend of Tori’s and sounds extremely promising…so here’s hoping! Lots of money to be made in high-class dining in downtown Chicago!
This week is filled with work, some going away parties, packing, getting moving business taken care of and seeing my beautiful family. Sunday my dad and I pick up the uhaul and pack up. Monday morning at 8am we make the drive in the uhaul (and Marissa’s car) up to my new home! Well my temporary new home. The renovations aren’t complete in our 3 bed 2 bath, so we are temporarily in a 2 bed 1 bath until it is finished.
So…off to the big city! Working as an intern for Bailiwick Repertory Theatre, serving, auditioning, taking classes on non-profit organizations and hopefully meeting lots of interesting people!
The next big adventure…

Random Acts of Kindness...not accepted?

Last night I was out on a date...with myself, and I was standing in line at the movie theater when I have been overhearing time after time that their credit machine was down . Waiting in line, cash in hand I see two men probably about my age paying at separate counters. The one on the left who was being helped first handed his credit card to the clerk and of course was told that it was not working. He hands the woman cash and looks over to his friend on the right and finds out that he has no cash. Now guy number 1 feels like a jerk because he's already paid to see the movie, and has no cash left to help his friend out. I hear him ask if they have an ATM in the building, but alas they did not. At this point I say to myself "What is $10?" So I say to the guy holding out my 10 dollar bill "Here, take this." He tells me no, and I persist "No, take it. Go see the movie with your friend." But he does not accept. Just walks out with his friend.

Have we really gotten to the point of not accepting gifts when they are offered to us? Always thinking that something is wanted in return? I just felt bad, and thought that it was really not that big of a deal for me to offer him a FREE $10!

Anyways...just got me thinking. I'm pretty sure I would have said yes. Of course I probably would insist on getting contact info for them so I could repay them in some way, but I would have graciously accepted the gift!

Something to ponder hey?

Huh...

So do you ever wonder if you are the only person in the world who thinks the way you do? Why is it that it's not openly talked about? I am sure that I am not the only one. I know that this is all a part of "growing up", but it would be a lot easier if other people openly talked about how they felt, thought, etc. I am openly human, day after day, and I screw up, and I don't know how to trust completely, and even though the only thing I want in life is to be able to risk everything, I still find myself stepping back, being afraid to make these jumps. I even lie to myself sometimes. Well maybe it's not lying, because it is sometimes the truth, but other times I'm just as insecure as the next woman.

Here I sit 25 years old, living in my parents' house, working at a server in a going no where restaurant while I sit here and stress about the future...even though to me the future is starting this fall. But that's the problem...I'm living for the future instead of living for right now. How do I live in the now, and still work towards something? TELL ME HOW TO DO THAT! Sometimes I just get so discouraged and think that I'm going to be stuck serving for the rest of my life, never find a husband, and be the crazy single aunt that lives off her parents. I know that I'm focusing on the negative, and there are a lot of things in my life that most people never get to do, but then I look around and everyone has these "normal" lives and sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of them which is the opposite of what I want to be feeling. I know I'm not satisfied living the "American dream life"...but I get stuck in those moments of feeling like it would be so much easier to have a "real job", make lots of money, and be out of debt and own my own home. This is what my peers are doing right now. At least that's how I feel.

I only have 5 years until I'm 30. Do you want to know where I used to picture myself at 30? As of senior year in school, I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to get married the next year, go to school to be a counselor, and by 25 have my first child. At the age of 30 I'd be living in the log house my parents' built with at least 2 children and my husband of about 10 years. Life can throw you a few curve balls hey? Let's talk about that.

I had my heart ripped out of my chest on more than one occasion by the same boy, screwed over some of my friends, represented my city for a year, travelled to Europe, met a man I fell in love with, found my career path because of him, realized that we were not really meant to ever get married, went through 2 years of grueling theatre school that changed my life, met my best friend and mentor who will always be in my life, was a live-in-nanny for almost 2 years, attempted to put up my own productions, acted in numerous shows, moved far away from my safety net in Calgary to live in Normal Illinois in hopes that Chicago will ultimately bring me that much closer to my dream of running my very own non-profit theatre company.

I hate that it seems like the greener grass is never in your own back yard! How do I make my garden a place that satisfies not only me, but possibly a future mate? How do I let go of everything so that I can open up to what is really in store for me? Here is my impatience shining through and showing it's bright colors.

Oh whoa is me...suck it up princess...

37:4

The desires of my heart will one day be spread in front of me...I just have to practice patience and have faith.

Discipline

I am beginning to see once again how much I lack discipline in my life. In every aspect including body, mind, spirit, work; EVERYTHING. Yesterday I started on the long road to establishing discipline as HABIT. Not only do I need to take specific time for myself, but I need to make sure that if I want to own my own company that I can be responsible for motivating myself. In the past I have made out specific SCHEDULES where every task was at a certain time. Now I find that too restricting, and instead have a very specific to do list on my calendar every single day. Things relating to keeping the house clean, working on my company, business things like paying bills or finding an apartment, grocery shopping, exercise, relaxation, praying. Everything. Most of the time I forget to do things, even when I know they're important. So hopefully having this list that I make up every week will give me the opportunity to use my time much more wisely.

Here's to another growing opportunity!

A week only God could predict!

Well...most of you haven't heard about the happenings of the past few days, so I wanted to let you in...

Thursday morning I was finishing up getting ready after an hour workout at the gym when I checked my messages on my phone. There was a message from my cousin Heather in tears telling me to call her back as soon as I got the message. Now to let you know, on Wednesday night she was supposed to be flying to Brazil...so thoughts are running through my head! I call her back right away and she's still in tears and a little frantic...all she says is that she's stuck in Chicago for 10 days but she's on the phone and has to call me back. So without even thinking about it i call work (I was on my way there) and tell them I can't come in because of a family emergency, and decide I'm going to Chicago. I get a hold of my aunt so I can find out what's going on and she tells me that they let her get on in Columbus OH without checking her visa. She gets to Chicago and they won't let her through because her visa had expired!

So needless to say there were a lot of ups and downs. As soon as she grabbed me at the airport she began sobbing. Her long planned 4 weeks in Brazil was quickly shortened to 2. Not something people want to go through. We spent about 7-8 hours in the airport that day trying to figure things out. United gave us food and hotel vouchers so we spent the night and ordered room service. Friday we spent the morning getting her paper work filled out and sent off and then drove back here to Normal. She will be staying with us until the 23rd when hopefully her visa will be here, and she can get on her flight at 9:30pm that evening.

Oh what a whirlwind...I'm just so thankful that she was stranded somewhere within a couple hours of family!

Once again I face the materialistic world...

So as most of you who read my little musings know, about once a year I seem to get this overwhelming urge to shed my life of material things. Over the past month I have been really stressed out about money. I haven't been making enough money to pay my student loans and save enough to move to Chicago. So the other night I was brainstorming about ways to save money and make money. I watched the movie "Into The Wild" and was inspired by his willingness to get rid of pretty much everything he owned to hitch-hike and live off the land. As a first step towards living as simply as possible I am selling all of my movies and CD's...including all of my Friend's DVD's. Those of you who know me well, know that this is a huge step for me. I have also given into the fact that I cannot afford to live by myself in Chicago, so I am going to be living with my friend and her boyfriend. I am looking forward to getting one step closer to a life that is less tied down to STUFF!

Everything comes to a head...

As some of you know, my new little niece had a rough first few days, but after 10 days in the hospital she is finally coming home! This is what I am trying to focus on right now...

Had a rough morning as some things came to a head, but I know that God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself, so I'm trying to come to peace with that.

Living far away from some of my closest friends has finally shown itself to be very difficult. The people I would normally talk to in rough times are only a phone call away i know, but we don't seem to be able to easily connect, because of schedules etc.

I am blessed to be near family, and I am thankful I have a job (though not making as much as I had hoped), and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to live in a house rent-free for 6 months.

These are the things to focus on...I'm saying this for me...not for you that read this. I need to be reminded everyday of the positive. Of the glorious things God does for me.

Peace

No life!

I got a job! I'll be serving full-time at Lonestar Steakhouse and Saloon. Let me just say that Normal really is Normal...there is nothing out of the ordinary...not a lot of cool little spots. I really hope I can meet some fun people at work...this no friend thing is driving me a little nuts, especially when I live in the same house as my parents! What was I thinking??? Free Room and Board...right...I just have to remind myself that this is only 6 months out of my life...I can get myself all organized for Chicago! Yay!

I can't wait to have more of a life here though!

BIG MOVE!!!! First driving day!

I started my trek on Thursday leaving Calgary quite teary. I made it back to BC safely, and spent the evening going through old things and packing some things to bring. Yesterday my dad and I re-packed the uhaul and I had a very low-key open house goodbye party.

This morning I was at the border in line before it opened at 9am. When it was finally my turn I had a tiny hickup where the border guard wanted me to write down the value and place of origin of EVERYTHING I was bringing in so he could let me know how much duty I needed to pay. Thankfully in the middle of doing so, the guard came back with more information and let me go without any further hassle! YAY!

AND NOW, I've finished my first day...a few hours earlier than I had hoped. I-90 was closed just after Bozeman Montana, so we were re-routed back into Bozeman, and if I wanted to go all the way to Billings tonight...it would have taken me double the time from here to there...executive decision was to get a room in Bozeman...only I went into a hotel and they had no rooms...they told me there was only 1 hotel with rooms available because of the road closure! THANKFULLY I did get a room in that motel: the Lewis and Clark Motel. I had to sneek my cute kitty in the room...hope I don't get caught!!!

Well, hopefully I can catch up on some time tomorrow!

Love to all!

Not TOO Far Off

As always things are always changing!

Since I returned home from Illinois in November my spirits have been quite down. I was really depressed. My heart is just not in Calgary anymore, and I've been feeling that I don't belong here. When I expressed this to Deirdre, her initial reaction was a sort of "told you so" since she had a feeling back in June when I told her my plans to move that I wouldn't last another year. After that she asked me what my reasons were for staying in Calgary until June, and I couldn't come up with a good enough answer. So needless to say I decided that I would leave at the end of February. Why February? Well there are a few things that I wanted to do before I moved, and it didn't seem doable to do in less than 8 weeks. So, here I am preparing for the next season of my life to start. Even though I am definitely ready to leave, there is a lot of emotional work I need to do to prepare to leave so many wonderful people. This move embodies the definition of what I always hope to do in life: RISK. You have to make those big leaps if you want to move forward. This is just one of my jumps.

I look forward to the next chapter in my life...I am so blessed!