Confused

So I sit here...dumbfounded by tears rolling down my face that I have no idea where they came from. I am mad, sad, confused, lost, and jealous. I don't even know. I want so many things...I wish I could have I don't even know. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing things, I want to feel like it is ok to be a mess of a human being. I know that that is truly what every one of us is, but I hate it. I want to spend more than a couple days on a high, when it feels I can do anything in the world. That I am enough, that I am beautiful and worth loving. That God loves me no matter the stupid decisions I make. I want to know that I am doing what God wants from me. I want to know more than I do. I want to be someone that other people look up to. I want to feel like I am not always the broken one running for help. I want to feel sane, although I don't even know what that would feel like...I don't think I've ever experienced that. I want to learn how to be private...no I don't! I am not a very private person! I need that tangible person there on the other side of my thoughts. I don't like feeling like I'm the only one that ever feels this way. I think often of how much easier it would be to not be an artist. Would I feel things as deeply as I do now? Would I be as aware? Could I just live in denial of everything? Why can't some thing just be easy? GOD! Why can't you make things easier! I know you want us to learn I know I know I know...in theory but not in my heart. I don't want to know that...Where is that childlike faith and playfulness. Children have an amazing ability to enjoy the littlest things, feel the worst things, and yet every moment is brand new! I want that.

I feel a little like Sarah Dawn Sanders...no...a lot like her.

BUSY BUSY BUSY!

Well...things are as busy as ever. They never seem to slow down!

So I have reached my goal of putting up a show this summer. It's over...and it was a success (covered all my costs, got to act, learned a heck of a lot!)! I'm now looking into touring this show possibly in the spring just to a couple towns I have contacts in, and writing a one woman show based on one of the characters from AT RISK. Lots of work yet to do this year to get my Company up and running. I am hoping to introduce RAW Productions to the public by next Summer or Fall.

I am working 30 hours a week at a Cafe, plus anywhere from 10-20 hours babysitting and cleaning here at home. I just started working on my next show with Fire Exit Theatre (Faith Based Theatre Company here in Calgary) as their Stage Manager/Assistant Director. Lots of work goes into that let me tell you. We have rehearsals twice a week for the first two months then 3 for the last month, plus weekly reports and communication which is my responsibility. The show goes up at the end of November! I also just signed up for a Jazz class at Decidedly Jazz Danceworks. A little nervous about it since I signed up for a fairly high level so as to challenge myself and get my body in shape. I'm looking into the possibility of auditioning for "Nunsence" with Stage West that opens in January or February. Other than that...lots of odd little things: Volunteering at Calgary's Film Fest where I will be working the Galas and meeting lots of people in the business (YAY!), taking different workshops, going to see lots of shows (Mail Order Bride on Sunday), doing different events with RMC's Theatre Alumni Group and lots of other stuff too!

***Remember to BREATHE!!!***

IT'S OVER!!!

Now I'm not saying that I'm happy, but it's done. I had my first show. There will never be another. Yes there will be the first of my company and the first of many other types, but this is my very own first show! I didn't have the turn out that I had hoped for, but I had enough to cover costs and a little left over to be able to help with a cast party.

I'm now on to my next project: HALO, with Fire Exit Theatre. We start rehearsals on Tuesday so I am busy preparing for that.

I hope to work on my own stuff this year as well so that by next summer I can present my company to the public!

Thank you so much to everyone who has supported our team through this stressful yet amazing opportunity!

Well...until next time!

AT RISK HAS OPENED!!!!

Well everyone...The show is up! We had our opening night last night and had about 20 people come out. I'm happy with that! Things seem to be going quite smoothly. I'm sure I won't be able to comment much until a few months from now, but if you can...come out and see it for yourself!

HMMMMMMM....

Well, we had our Dress Rehearsal last night which went surprisingly well. I let go of the fact that I lost a cast member and just went with what we had. We added a few new things, and it is now a very different show from what it started as 2 months ago.

I am baffled though that today, when I am free to do whatever I want I feel more stressed than ever. All I want to do is curl up and watch TV all day (it was brought to my attention that this would not be the most beneficial thing to do). So I am feeling very stuck and stubborn. I don't want to sit down and write; I don't want to think about the show, I don't want to paint, play piano, go for a walk, or even spend time with God. I have this feeling like it would be so cool if I could just not eat all day...NOT A HEALTHY THOUGHT! But on the other hand I'm dreaming of what I could eat all day long (pretty extreme huh?!). I laid down on my couch to just lay there...realizing that I feel quite depressed and I wasn't expecting to feel that until after the show was finished. I have this disgusting mess of a room which I want to be clean but I don't want to do it. It's a beautiful day outside and I feel as though I'm doing something wrong by not going outside. Wow...I'm in a really awful mood! I can't even explain it. It's not really like I'm grumpy...just really stubborn I guess.

HUH...well God...just be with me right now. I just need you to hold me. Don't say it's all going to be ok...don't even say anything, just hold me and comfort me in what I am feeling right now in this moment. As I write this I cry for I know that the only true comfort I can get is from you. Thank you for being that unconditional love that we all need so very much!

Shit Hit The Fan

I know that everything happens for a reason, but I'm still trying to figure out why another cast member would back out of the show. That's right...I said another. Our French-Canadian has now backed out...she has hurt her back and has been told to rest (I don't think this is the only reason however). So I am trying to stay calm and breathe my way through this one...but this is BIG. Really BIG! We have people coming to an invited dress rehearsal tomorrow night. She did not show up last night, but we were still hoping that she would be in the show, so we tried to work the best we could without her. It wasn't until a half hour ago that I recieved an email from her boyfriend telling me she would not be able to make it. Now, I have to decide what we do from here. Do I create an entirely different character altogether and scrap the already new character I have taken on since John left? Do I just leave as is and figure out how to re-work the show order? Do I keep the order the same and fill in Janie's spot with some sort of tie in of all of us? Needless to say I am not impressed, I'm stressed beyond belief and I'm having trouble staying positive. God...YOU are what is going to get me through this. I know I cannot see the whole picture, and I know you have great plans for me and this company I feel drawn to create. Give me the STRENGTH and COURAGE I need to get over this hurdle.

BEEN A WHILE...

Well...A lot has taken place in the last couple of days. So, we spent the day in Mobile on Friday for Kristen's gig, then drove most of the day Saturday to Gainsville Georgia to stay with a couple of her friends Dave and Julie. Kristen played at both church services the next morning, and we all went out to lunch to visit. Next it was a quick trip up to Winton Salem North Carolina to visit with a youth group she worked with in West Virginia and Atlanta. Man were those some crazy 17 year olds! They treated us like queens! It was an early day today especially for Kristen who stayed up to 4am!!!!! We left at 7:30am for a long drive to Cleveland Ohio where I currently am right now. So great to see aunts, uncles and cousins! We're off tomorrow after lunch to Normal, Illinois to see my bro Tom play a gig in Peoria, and then visit with my beautiful Neice and Nephew and sister Melissa. After that we are heading to Michigan to visit another Youth Group that Kristen has worked with. Then, last on Friday we drive to Toronto and I fly out from there! YIKES!!!!! BUSY BUSY BUSY!!!!!! Well that's all for now...I gotta go visit with my auntie pammy!!!!!! YAY!!

New Orleans

Well yall...I spent today in New Orleans...pretty sad to say that it's not as vibrant as it once was. I did get to eat a "po boy" and see the French Quarter as well as Bourbon St. Kristen drove me through the demolished part of town which was a little overwhelming. I took some videos and pics of some crazy stuff...roofs in trees, houses on top of each other, a garage sticking out on it's side out of the middle of a house...empty lots and that sort of thing. Tomorrow we're in Mobile all day for a gig Kristen is playing where I will be selling her merchandise for her and the band she's playing for. We are blessed with a home to stay in while we are here with free food and a nice comfy bed! I'm having a ton of fun so far so let's see where the next couple of days take me!

SOUTHERN U S OF A!!!

Hey all...here in Fairhope Alabama hangin with my friend Kristen. Having tons of fun and seeing some cool stuff. Eating lots and relaxin' lots. Heading to New Orleans tomorrow for the day, then have a gig of Kristen's on Friday, up to Gainsville Georgia on Saturday for a gig Sunday morning...then North Carolina, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan and Ontario! I'll update if anything really exciting happens!

Stress...What is that?

Well...as much as I try I can't seem to get a handle on this whole stress thing. I lie to myself often and tell myself that I'm not stressed, but really, I don't know how to not be stressed right now. I guess maybe if I was spending time out with friends that was just for fun and not discuss anything that is going on in my life that would be just fine. The problem is the few friends I have here are usually buys when I am free. Hmmm...what a predicament hey? I was very dissappointed to hear that my good friend Katie will not be moving to Calgary in September like I thought she was. She was offered a job in Trail that she much prefers to the one she had here, so that's that. I think I'm jsut complaining now, but somehow I think that I need to vent you know? The past two weeks have been anything but easy. Looking after my friends' high need dog was a challenge. They live about 10 minutes north of where I am right now, so basically 10 minutes further from everything. Yes, I did have a vehicle, but I had to be in it more than I wanted to because of the needs of the animals. Plus having our rehearsal space (though very nice) way out in Hawkwood, and working downtown and still looking after the boys at home and making trips to the Chiropractor and such...huh, yeah busy. Well, I', a little overwhelmed right now as I am in house full of people I don't know and had a pretty rough night. You see, anytime I get some down time where I don't have to be anywhere I don't feel like working on my show. That's tough. I know I need to be working on it, but I'm so exhausted! Huh...well now that my rambling has sort of gotten out of control, I'm just going to shut up. You know what? I'm not even going to spell check this, so if you are wondering why there are mistakes....there you go. I'm in a BAD MOOD!

ALWAYS CHANGING!

So, yesterday it was confirmed that John will no longer be working with us as he was offered a job that involves two weeks of training at the end of August. To say the least I had a rough day. Thankfully though it was the rehearsal that Jamie was going to observe, so we were able to bounce ideas off of him and re-work the show. Sad to say I will no longer be incorporating my abstract character that would weave the show together. On the other hand I will be taking on John’s role in a way that allows me to move to one of the monologues. My cast is an amazing support system and we all worked together to find the best way to move forward. Jamie was able to get us re-motivated in that he gave us tons of stuff to work with…ideas for the visual aspect and transitions etc. So, I can’t say that I’m any less stress than I was before John left, but at least I sort of know where I’m going. I have a lot of work to do.

On another note…Lisa, one of my cast members has decided to apply to the Theatre Program at RMC! I’m thrilled for her as I know that this will be something that will benefit her. I’ve seen her work and I know she would make a good fit. She is just waiting for acceptance and then the only other hurdle is financing. She’s 27, already has a bachelors degree so this is a huge step. WAY TO GO LISA! I’ll be there helping her along in her journey.

Only 6 days until my road trip with Kristen. I’m excited but can’t help of thinking that I’m taking 10 days away from my show right before it goes up. If necessary I will ask her to help me once and a while with my own monologues…the rest is up to the cast. We are going to be in Georgia, Alabama, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan and Ontario so it will be a trip to remember that’s for sure.

Well…wish me luck!

Why is being an artist so hard?

As artists we are called to dig deep within our souls to create things that inspire change in others as well as ourselves. That’s not an easy task. Ask any professional artist: painters, sculptors, dancers, musicians, actors, writers. We’re all alike. You know, sometimes I think about how much easier it would be to be doing something where I don’t have to use my creative mind, but I know that I would be miserable without my art. I have to remind myself of that daily because there are many moments when I question whether it’s worth it or not.

I’m going through a really rough time with this show. I’m struggling to believe that I am enough. My mind is consumed by this project, and yes I know that’s probably a good thing, but there are times I wish I could think about something else, that I could be free of tension. Creating is hardly ever stress free. It’s interesting to me that usually when I find creating stress free is when I am doing it just for fun; just for me. I guess that shows that I am a little worried about putting this in the public’s eye, especially when things seem to always go wrong at the last minute.

So here are the things I am trying to remind myself of daily:

You’ve got to get in there and DO.
Limits are a secret blessing and bounty can be a curse.
No deprivation no inspiration.
Whom the gods wish to destroy they give unlimited resources.
Venturing out of your comfort zone may be dangerous, yet you do it anyway because our ability to grow is directly proportional to an ability to entertain the uncomfortable.

Taken from Twyla Tharp's THE CREATIVE HABIT

AT RISK under construction

Are you living a life that isn’t really yours?
Are you so blind that you have forgotten who you really are?

Come join us for an evening of theatre, movement and song:
A Post Graduate Work
by Juliana Marko

August 29, 30 & 31, 2006
7:30pm

Cardel Theatre

6010 12th St. SE (lower level of Cardel Homes Centre)

Tickets: Students $5 Adults $7
To reserve your tickets call 875-5525 or email
raw.productions@yahoo.ca
(cash or cheque only)
**Please note this show is not suitable for children under 13.
Thank you Summit School of Dance, Cardel Homes, The Arts Farm and the Owens Young Family for your support!

Still Learning!

Wow...so now I have fully taken on the 5th character in my show. I am a little more nervous about this whole thing now. Thankfully I have some amazing support. I have now decided to make this character quite abstract: she moves to words instead of music. Doing something like this is so terrifying to me because it is so different and stretches so many boundaries. Last night was the first time I actually put it up on my feet (with the help of a great friend and mentor). Baby steps...move to her voice to begin with, just to get used to the idea of moving with no music. To be honest...I felt like I was in and amongst my own nightmares. But it did inspire me to change my script a little and make it more like beat poetry than just a regular old monologue. Who wouldda thought I'd end up doing ANYTHING like this? Not me that's for sure. Life sure has a way of surprising you! Probably the 2 hardest classes for me were movement and performance creation, and now I have stepped up to the plate to actually attempt them both in combination in front of an audience! I am hoping to spend 5-6 hours by myself on this character before I attempt to bring it into the rest of the cast. Tuesday is a HUGE day. My former instructor (now mentor) Jamie Popoff will be coming to observe rehearsal and give his feedback. This is really territory he is familiar with so it will help us to see what is working, what isn't and what could. Time is flying by. Thankfully I have the next week to concentrate pretty much solely on the show (with the exception of looking after the boys), as I don't work at the cafe until Wednesday. Thursday we jump into the theatre where we can really start to shape things the way we want them to be seen. My friend Peter will be helping me out with lights and sound as well as set. Hopefully Kyla will be able to come too so she can be a part of it. I know it seems crazy that right near the end of rehearsals I am going away for 10 days, but I think I will really need it. As soon as I get back it's crunch time as Dress Rehearsal will only be a few days away with the show going up in 1 week. I am still pumped about the rest of the process though scared out of my mind when it comes to me personally being completely vulnerable and breaking through the box I have built for myself. Thank God for GRACE!

A TITLE!

Well, here we are, a little less than 1 month before we try out this piece in front of an audience. We finally have a title for the show: AT RISK under construction. Things are rolling pretty smoothly. Our biggest bump so far is Kyla's injury. She will not be able to dance, so I am taking over her roll. What was going to be her dancing to my recorded voice over is now going to be me...my voice and my movement live on stage with the rest of the characters. I'll be honest: I'm a little scared. BUT...I believe that everything happens for a reason. I was supposed to be in this show. And the more I think about it, I'm actually glad because the next few projects I'm working on all involve being behind the scenes instead of acting...here's a chance to learn even more! The shape of the show is coming together and turning into something I never even dreamed of. The monologues will range from being memorized, to improv with a guideline of points they need to cover. There will be movement as well as song which will make it sound like a musical...but it's far from it. I haven't mentioned too much about how this show is actually being created, so let's make it a little clearer: This piece was inspired by my 20 minute solo show that I created last semester in school. Now, I have 4 other characters joining my already established character in a journey that is far from easy. I created the foundation for the characters, and through improv, free writing and discussion we have collaboratively created full rounded characters and their monologues. What it has developed into is a series of monologues using the diversity of the characters to make each very unique...but seemingly similar. I see myself in more of a facilitator role than a director, though there are moments where I need to take on that role. The cast: Lisa DiGiacinto, John Vieira, Marissa Chastain, Janie Fontaine and I will all be recognized for this collaborative creation. It's a one act show and because of the amount of improv will range in time but I'm hoping it will be around an hour. Please come out and join us August 29th, 30th and 31st at 7:30pm in The Cardel Theatre! Tickets are only $7 so bring a friend! Email me at raw.productions@yahoo.ca or call 403.875.5525 to reserve your tickets! Hope to see you there:)

UPDATE:

So I am now officially a daytimer geek. I have so many things going on that I can't live without one! I have had my first 2 shifts at the Sunflower Cafe in Community Natural Foods, and I love it! I'm so happy to be meeting new people and being busy enough all day that the time passes really quickly. My show is well on its way to being ready for its first run in front of an audience. I meet with my cast 3 times a week, and thankfully get a lot accomplished. I am blessed to have 5 other emerging artists work along side me in this adventure. We are waiting for news from one of our cast members as to if she will be able to continue on with us. She fell and tore her MCL (muscle in her knee), so hopefully she will know soon what kind of shape she's in. If she is unable to do the show I will be stepping in for her. It may be God's way of nudging me to be in this show. I had Callbacks for Halo last night, and we are well on our way to getting the cast that we need for the show in November. I start house sitting for a friend tomorrow so will have basically 3 jobs plus 2 shows to work on. Thankfully I am able to use their car while they are away so as to get places on time and go from one thing to another. So, my life has not slowed down in the least. I'm glad I have a scheduled vacation, because otherwise I don't know if I'd get any time for just plain fun. Really looking forward to my trip down to Alabama...North Carolina, Ohio, Illinois, Michigan and Ontario too! ROAD TRIP!!!!!! YAY!

BIG WEEK!!!

Well all...I have had quite the week. First of all I got a job at Community Natural Foods downtown which is awesome! I'll be working part time in the cafe there starting next Tuesday.

Monday night was my first rehearsal for my upcoming show. I had rehearsal again the following night and have been working pretty hard at it. It's amazing the things you can discover when you are merely observing. Creating this piece is going to be such an adventure and learning experience. I can't wait to see where it takes us! I am totally excited about going through this process even with the short time I now realize we have.

Last night was the second round of auditions for Halo with Fire Exit Theatre, and my first night on the job as Stage Manager / Assistant Director. I am so blessed to be given this opportunity to learn about these positions and gain knowledge that I can use one day to make some of my dreams come true. Thankfully rehearsals won't be starting until after my show is finished, so it's really one project to the next (the way an Artist's life should be!!).

I get a little bit of a rest this weekend, as it is my friend's birthday, but it's right back to my busy life on Monday.

My New Look!

So for all of you who have not seen me in a while...here I was and here I am! I went to the complete opposite of what I used to be! Long and Blonde to Short and Brown! It's fun though...I needed a big change! Something to say I am an adult and no longer a student. Look out professional world here I come! Wouldn't you hire me?! Hahahaha...

I'm starting rehearsals tonight and of course I had nightmares last night. I guess I'm a little worried...who me? worried? HA! Yeah it turns out that my stomach has been unhappy with me because for the last 10 years or so I've been putting all of my stress, worry and nerves into my stomach...funny how that works hey? So now I am faced with the job of figuring out how to deal with my stress. Many prayers in this time are needed! I'm starting a whole new life right now and it's scary and exciting and I'm looking forward to becoming the best "grown up" (yuck) I can be :)

Ask And You Shall Receive

Well...The biggest thing I've learned over the past couple of weeks is that if I am bold and courageous in asking for what I need, God will bless me in more ways than I would ever expect. Also, that if I choose to include God in all of my decisions, but still make the effort myself, things will happen; GREAT THINGS. Here I am with almost no money, but blessed with a family that is so charitable in letting me live with them in exchange for part time child care. In sending out resumes today, I received a phone call almost immediately to set up an interview. I've also been blessed with the opportunity to learn more about stage managing and directing through Fire Exit Theatre. I have been offered the SM/AD position for their next show "Halo". As well, even though it seems the show dates for my own show are rapidly approaching and I am no where near a finished product, I am incredibly excited about creating this new work and working with other emerging artists in Calgary. I am reminded every day of what a difference it makes to include God, close friends and mentors in my every day struggles in life. Thank you to all of you who have chosen to walk beside me in my journey. I am truly greatful.

Jumping The Gun

So for some reason I like to jump the gun on thinking I'm over something, or that I'm perfectly alright, when really, I'm just denying myself the time I need to work through things. Yesterday I was completely convinced that I had made my way out of the huge pit I dug myself into earlier in the week...today...not so sure. My emotions seem to be all over the place. Mostly I just have to get over some pride issues and call someone, like I chose to today. And what a difference that makes! To have someone just to chat and hang with that won't coddle you, but won't discourage you either. I know that I've always struggled with MOTIVATION, but it is becoming more and more apparent every day. EXAMPLE: Meisner Class...haven't been in two weeks. Have found every excuse in the book NOT to memorize my scene. WHAT IS THAT???!!! And now that we only have one class left, it's like "well how far could we get with this scene anyway in one class?" I'm afraid. I know that. But I don't exactly know why. I was going to try and answer that, but I have no idea where to start. hmmm...thought for the day...WHY AM I AFRAID?