It's been a while!

Well...hello everyone once again! It's been longer than 40 days...but here I am. I've learned a lot through this all. I have learned that a little is fine, it's just when the computer and TV CONSUME me that I get carried away.

Last night was the opening night of THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES. It went well all in all. My body though, had decided the night before that it was time to cleanse its self. And I don't mean in a very pleasant sort of way! I had been up every hour that night sitting on my porcelain throne...LOVELY isn't it? So needless to say, yesterday was a little rough, but as the day went on I got progressively better. Deirdre and her friend Catherine were great at giving me advice about what to eat and drink (conji {SP?} and salty sweet drinks as well as taking a good dose of acidophiles). I still feel a little under the weather, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I have 3 shows left and then it's done. Hard to believe!

My next projects include an original one woman show that I will put up in September, a play yet to be announced in November and the adaptation of my mom's "A Dance For All Seasons" in the spring of 2008. I am still keeping my eyes out for auditions that spark my interest, but when it comes down to it...I love doing my own work!

I'm just about to sit down and plan my vacation in June...to HAWAII! My cousin and her family live there, so I will be staying with them.

Other than that, my routine here at home has changed a bit with Fynn now homeschooling, and Deirdre training, so my work schedule has changed as well. Still have that 6-day work week. Ahhhhh...the life of an artist.

Love to all. I will be writing more frequently now, but am going to try to limit it to once every 2 weeks at the most. Hope to see or talk to everyone really soon:)

FASTING

Well everyone, I am going on a fast. Not a traditional fast from food, but a fast from t.v. myspace, blogger, msn, and any other mindless computer stuff. I have been putting off doing some of the things I really want to do because I too often sit in front of the tv or computer. So, for the next 40 days when I am home, I will not watch tv or movies, or go on myspace, blogger etc. Hopefully this will enable me to get going on the plays I want to finish, the pictures I want to paint, the books I want to read, the auditions I want to go to and the business of my theatre company. I love you all. Please pray for me. This is a large task! See you all in 40 days!

Fear of failure...RISK...the "unattainable"

So I was standing at the bus stop, amidst the never-ending snowfall thinking, "I hate that even though I LOVE my job, it's still hard to get motivated to get up and show up. I really want my own business. Why not? People do it all the time!" Really though, I always seem to come to the conclusion that it is unattainable. That I don't have what it takes. I would LOVE to be able to have something that I can call MINE. Something that I can live off of, be happy with (most of the time), and use all of my creative gifts. I think what scares me the most is the big picture. Maybe that's my problem. I always seem to look to the future, the end product instead of focusing on the present…what can I do right now? What is it that I want? What is one thing I can do to maybe get a step closer? Ultimately it is the fear of failure that always holds me back. I have been told many times in the past couple of years that administration is one of my gifts. "HAHAHAHA"! I said…WHAT?! No way! Me? Today someone shared with me why she thought that. I couldn't argue with her! So where do I begin? Right where I am. Start small. It could take a very long time. Maybe it won't. All I know is that I've wanted something like this, something of my own for a very long time. Some of you may be thinking, "Well, you had the guts to start your own theatre company!" Yes, well that Theatre Company has also been something I have been avoiding…avoiding no more. I am also realizing though, that I would rather have SILHOETTE plus a business, and not rely on my theatre company as an income. That way I can do whatever I want with it. Put up whatever shows I want, whenever I want. I'm just figuring this out as I sit here typing. This is me, completely raw. Someone told me "In risk you are protected". An interesting statement no? Risk keeps coming up. I can't get away from it. RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK…something to think about!

A LONG ONE

In light of a few comments I have received I am posting some of the bloggs I posted on myspace for you all. I didn't realize that it has been almost a month since I have posted anything here!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Sick (again?!) Current mood: sleepy
Well, I'm sick again (hence the title). What is with this? Ok...I work around kids all the time, and people have been sick lately. But why is my body so accepting to these viruses? My immune system is down. Why? As my chiropractor would say... "You haven't been eating well for the past couple months have you?!" My answer: "NO". So I deserve a kick in the rear. I KNOW that my body suffers when my food intake isn't balanced. I've been eating carbs and sugar mostly. The odd healthy thing, but when it came down to it, I would choose the carb or fatty or unhealthy thing over vegetables or things like that. Now I know most of us are like that, but I have experienced what it feels like to be healthy! It's great. The problem is, you have a little bit of junk and you think "oh...that wasn't bad", then before you know it you're tossed into a never ending snowball effect! Well, luckily, I live with a family that is willing to help me out. Deirdre came home yesterday with all sorts of yummy food that I can eat that's better for me. Wheat is a huge thing...it's addictive! So she brought me some rice pasta and some spelt and kamut buns...veggie burgers, soy yogurt...anyhow...I'm gonna try again because I can't stand being sick so often. I'm at home from work today hoping that a day of rest will do me good.
Stay sane...eat well

Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I'm a mom...who knew?! Current mood: tired Category: Life
Well...I think that today was the first day since I've lived here that I felt more like a mom than a "nanny". I started off the day by driving Fynn and his friend Femke to school...then driving myself to the chiropractor (without Kai for a change) I get this feeling I should check my cell, and low and behold I had missed about 10 calls from Deirdre. She was stuck on the side of the road (car broke down) and needed me to come pick her up. Then after turning around, picking her up and driving her to her mom's house I made it to my appointment with just enough time to drive home so Billy could leave for work. Kai and I baked Double Chocolate cookies (vegan of course), and made a book. But the point of this whole blog really? The fact that I could give out consequences and hold them as well as being able to talk about why I was choosing that and what decisions they could make in order to avoid that next time. Yikes my legs are totally full of pins and needles from sitting on them while rubbing backs for bedtime!!!!! Guess I'm getting prepared for the day (probably far far away) that I have my own little ones. I still have to clean the kitchen, prepare snacks/lunches for tomorrow and work on my monologue, plus prepare for 2 auditions...WOW...chat with yall soon:)

Monday, January 22, 2007
Dating Current mood: tired Category: Romance and Relationships
Okay. So I'm not really used to this whole dating thing. Every boyfriend I've had (few), I've been friends with and then in a relationship.
Let me preface what I'm about to say with the fact that I haven't been in a relationship or gone on a date in 3 years. And before that, 2 years.
So...there's this guy that comes into the coffee shop 2-3 times a day. Nice guy. Cute. Never thought I could date him, but after a while he sort of grew on me. I didn't really know anything about him except what my colleagues and boss had to say about him. After chickening out once, I finally worked up the nerve to give him my phone number (yes I know....that's a whole other story!). Long story short he called, and we went out last night.
Now since my faith has become more a part of my life, I haven't really dated so I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't think it could hurt going out with a guy just to test the waters...well it didn't hurt but it made me realize why it is that people of the same faith generally choose to date each other rather than going out with just anyone.
First thing I noticed (all of the following were little red flags) was the swearing. F this and Fing whatever...a little much for me. Number 2: talking about his past sex life (YIKES), including a story that involved a sex toy party! Number 3: saying "whoever decided that spanking was a bad idea is an idiot" (I'll blog one day about my thoughts on that).
Overall...we did have a good time chatting. But that's it. No desire to kiss him or go on another date. Did I mention he's bald? I'm sorry that seems really shallow of me, but it's not that I thought he was UGLY because of it, I just seem to be attracted to men with hair. I'm a hair girl: face, head, chest...now I do have limits...Robin Williams would be a little much!
It sounds like I'm really talking down about him. I can tell he's a really nice guy. Just not on the same page as I am.
Well, my leap into dating had a not so great start, but... A for effort!

Sunday, January 21, 2007
I Remember Current mood: exhausted Category: Life
So I remember now why it is definitely not a great idea to drink more than a couple of drinks in one night. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I make a fool of myself? Yes. Did I only get 3 1/2 hours of sleep? Yes. Do I feel pretty shitty right now? Yes. Overall...not worth it. It's fun to have a couple of drinks, but when your inhibitions are lowered that much...it's a scary thing. You could do anything. Haven't had that much to drink in 5 years. That's a long time.

Motivation, Inspiration, Vocation, Procrastination

Hmmm...it seems like these thoughts keep emerging in me.

I seem to get inspired very easily, but it is also true that the inspiration only lasts a short while. So here I am not quite sure of what I should be pursuing or not. Well...that's not entirely true. I know that what I'm doing is good...but I want to do better, and more! So how do I decide what ONE thing to add. Okay...I wasn't meaning to sound sneaky about this...I have just realized that I really miss dance and singing, and I miss acting regularly...

...So how do I do it all? My first instinct???? To sit down and write up an insane schedule with everything I want to be doing included...Getting up early to go work out, putting money aside to take vocal training and more dance training. But I have done this before (the scheduling I mean). I KNOW that overwhelming myself only pushes me farther from where I want to be.

EXAMPLE: I had made up budget after budget, but could never really seem to keep on track with my money. Finally, I just did one simple thing: I left my wallet at home! Simple and Specific (hahaha....all my acting buddies will see how funny that last sentence was)...it's just like Meisner...you need to be simple and specific, or else you won't be able to accomplish the goal. BABY STEPS...thanks Dr. Marvin...and Bob.

But I'm still left here wondering if I should even bother pursuing all of these things...the sad thing is that acting, singing, and dancing isn't the end of the list...I want to get back into piano, start speaking Spanish again, learn the guitar, paint...SEE???? It's overwhelming.

MEDIOCRE still comes to mind. I think that that is my ultimate fear. Only ever being mediocre.

Huh...I'm stressed out, but what am I doing about it? Sitting in this lousy computer chair staring into a bright monitor! I feel sort of paralyzed...I've had a bad couple of weeks...but not so obviously. I have been procrastinating a lot. I have felt unmotivated to go to Jazz class. I have been eating almost completely carbs, and lots of them (sugar included). The worst part? I've been spending most of my free time in front of this damn thing or the TV. This is the most productive I've been in a couple weeks.

Well, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know.

RAW Productions is CHANGING

Over the past 3 or 4 months I have been considering changing the name of my company. Why? This first reason: I googled RAW Productions and about a million things came up. Secondly...there was just something that wasn't sitting right with me. So here it is...
SILHOUETTE
That's right. Just one word. It sums it up.
Dark mystery...hidden truth...unexpected beauty...fragile shell...secret dreams...
A silhouette is so mysterious and beautiful. It tempts you to know more, makes you ask questions. The contrast of dark and light is so appealing to the naked eye. A silhouette is brave enough to tell the truth but only reveals what the viewer is ready to see.

2006 IN A NUT SHELL!

Well...for those of you who have only been tuning in since I set up this blogg...here is what the past year looked like for me...

JANUARY 2006

I rung in the New Year in the basement of my parents house with my mom, my dad and my good friend Roger...Shortly thereafter I was able to take a quick trip to NYC with my mom!!!! YAY! We went to see...Chicago, an Opera at the Met...and the best of ALL...THE COLOR PURPLE!!!! What an experience that was! After a very short 3 day trip...it was back to Trail BC...then after a cancelled flight to Calgary...a long night bus ride back to my last semester of school... Rehearsals began right away for our upcoming Musical Showcase and our Spring show Busybody. January 21st my best friend Marissa got engaged...getting married in JUNE! January 28th...the 23rd Anniversary of my birth...pretty wonderful hey?!

FEBRUARY

We kicked off February with the Musical Theatre Showcase which...looking back was pretty horrific...hmmm...that's a little harsh...some good some bad I guess...Songs from Godspell (my favorite), Carousel, Annie, and How To Succeed In Business. Other that the continuous rehearsals the rest of February was pretty uneventful.

MARCH

The most eventful part of this month? Busybody...all consuming rehearsals...teck week and show...quite a stressful ending...was thankful to be done! Also was the month of distributing Headshots and resumes...FUN ;)

APRIL

I found a job (phew) as a nanny and started working weekends and the occasional evening so Audrey (18mo.) could get used to me. Crunch time for our solo performances...stayed up all night and re-wrote my entire show...a little scary...vulnerable as all hell...EXPOSED: performed the first night...woke up that night puking...and such...spent the next day in emerg where it was determined I had an infection in my colon...YUCK! Had to miss my second and last performance of EXPOSED...and my very first audition :( Mended after about 2 weeks...then a week before graduation! YAY!!! I'M AN ACTOR!

MAY

An eventful month...I moved in with my former dance instructor Deirdre Young and her family to be a part time live in nanny...I don't pay rent...they don't pay child care...it's a nice arrangement! I had my first audition with Theatre Junction...amazing experience...didn't get a callback, but made the discovery that I would like to create my own work and start my own company! I began to nanny more regularly...and began rehearsals for Deirdre's dance company: Quenched Pure Performance's premiere show UNVEILED. Marissa and Peter got married May 13th in Orangeville Ontario...so I flew out there for about 4 or 5 days as I was the maid of honor...wow!

JUNE

We began June with UNVEILED...a complete success! Stressful...but a success none the less! It was revealed to me that the family I nannied for was moving unexpectedly at the end of the month...so I found another family with 3 children and began there right away. Since school had ended I was still having stomach pains which I thought might be related to my colon infection... I started a fairly strict diet of no salicylates...most of you don't know what those are...let's just say a chemical found it pretty much every plant...just less in some and more in others. So...very limited. I soon took out wheat and sugar as well, because my stomach was still acting up...started to see pounds melting off! YAY! I had auditions for the original show I was attempting to put up in August! I was also able to get back to Trail for Steps Dance Company's Alumni Reunion! We all served as MC's and even performed at the end of the first act! Awesome hey?!

JULY

A big family reunion in Trail to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday...a huge success...stressful still. My good friends Maralee and James got married July 1st! Way to go! When I got back to Calgary (this being about 4 weeks since my complete hypo allergenic diet) I finally got into my naturopath...only to discover that the stomach pains...all because of STRESS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! So, though relieved to hear I could eat normally again...a little unsure as to how to stop putting all my stress in my stomach. One way? I quite my brand new nanny position because I was getting depressed. I found a job at Community Natural Foods in the Cafe...and started to meet lots of people! YAY! I also began rehearsals for my show to be called AT RISK under construction...

AUGUST

Busy as usual... I was able to join my crazy friend Kristen in the States while on the last leg of her cross-country tour! I flew into Florida...and visited/drove through...Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Michigan...wow...we visited friends and family, and had tons of fun. I came back to crunch time on my show (not to mention my friend's [SHARLA] wedding) and put it up in front of an audience the last week of the month!!!!! What an accomplishment!

SEPTEMBER

I began rehearsals right away for an FET production... Went to a writing workshop with Lucia Frangione, had my first Film audition, and started a Jazz class at DJD.

OCTOBER

More rehearsals, Thanksgiving with my Calgary fam, a 10 hour Dance Class Marathon!, obtaining an AGENT!!!! YAY!!!, auditioned for and got a role in THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, and dressed up for Halloween!

NOVEMBER

Rehearsals get more intense... I finally meet my cast mates with TVM at "The Vagina Meet and Greet", go into teck week for HALO and get laryngitis...super sick...miss lots of work...oh yeah at my new job! My boss was awful...you can read a few posts back...found an amazing boss! FINISHED HALO!!!!

DECEMBER

Started rehearsals for TVM, auditioned for and called back to (though didn't get the part) "This Is For You Anna", had a Thanksgiving-Hanuka-Christmas-Dinner-Extravaganza"!!! Fun Times...and travelled back to BC where I spent Christmas with my family...beautiful niece and nephew who were extremely hard to say goodbye to:(

SO I guess that wasn't really a nutshell...but it was the last year of my life...what do you expect?

A Question Answered?

For those of you who are wondering about the Vagina Monologues and why I'm doing it...here's one of the reasons...our Director works with numbers of young women...read a bit of her story (This is who we are giving the money to from ticket sales):

I am at the shelter right now and am sitting here thinking about this huge endeavor we are all taking on. I just realized yesterday that I think a huge root of the pain that our girls are feeling is being unseen and unheard. We treat them like ghosts, so for alot of them, that is what they become to themselves. They come from so much pain and horror that it seems like an impossibility for them to pick themselves back up again.

I have to admit that I have been feeling very scared and burnt out myself lately; questioning why I am still here at Safe Haven and feeling desperate to see the girls get what they deserve from their lives. It is a very heartbreaking struggle most of the time. But, I want you to know that hope DOES exist here. Girls do overcome addiction, laugh at loud at the worst of times, and become children again when we make gingerbread houses or dance to cheesy radio music. They reach out for a hug even after they have been mistreated by every single person in their life. This is true courage. This is why I stay. You will make a difference in their lives.

Please know that even if we didn't raise one single penny from this play that every one of you is changing the future forever. We will be radiating energy and knowledge that can never be destroyed or tampered with. No one, and I mean no one, walks out of that theatre unchanged or unenlightened. We are an army and no one can defeat us. Our weapon is love.

Educate yourself on teenage prostitution and violence against women and girls. We have the power to stand up and say "Wake up! Teenage prostitution is slowly killing young girls in our city." I am sure that you, like myself, always felt almost "powerless" to do anything to change violence against women. You are living that opportunity RIGHT NOW. Take it and stand up for every women and child you know that has been bruised, ridiculed, tortured, and undervalued. Do it for the small girl inside of yourself who so desperately wants to heal. Free her.

Never ever underestimate your power. You are a Goddess and a Warrior. You have survived the unthinkable. We all have. Stand with your head up and your shoulders strong. You are strong. You are magnificent.

Live it. Love it. Be it.

Marsha Ellen Meidow

Me

Well...it's been a while since I actually posted something about me and what's up in my life so here it goes!
I thought December was going to be pretty quiet...not as much going on, but that never happens in an artist's life! I guess I did get some rest seeing as I was sick for a couple weeks, but busy none the less. I had my first rehearsal for The Vagina Monologues just a few short days after I finished my last show and it was awesome. I am really looking forward to this experience (not to mention acting on Theatre Calgary's stage!!!). I just had an audition for a show called "This Is For You Anna: A Spectacle of Revenge", and just got an email today inviting me to callbacks! YAY!
I love my job at Coffee & 'Scream and am going to be getting a few more hours come January. I'm trying my best to get together with some friends before I head to BC for a week. I was able to go see "The Holiday" last night and OH MY! BEST MOVIE EVER! It really was...no lie...GO SEE IT!
I've been out to see a couple of shows...DJD's "ROOT 7" (amazing), and Coldwater's "Rockin' Glory Sonshine Band" (Hilarious!!!) and Rocky's Second Year Shakespeare Showcase on Friday night.
Some of us folks are having a "Thanksgiving/Hannuka/Christmas Dinner Extravaganza" tomorrow...where there is sure to be games...lots of food, and hopefully presents! Hahahaha!
I'm still trucking away on 2 plays...whoa...what work! Exciting though.
Going to my parents' place from the 23rd to the 30th then back here to pick up my dear friends at the airport New Years Eve at 11:30pm (I'm not bitter)...but M&P you better be ready to do something crazy fun for midnight!
Well...I think that's pretty much me in a nutshell right now.

RISK

Well...it's over. I've learned a lot.

• When and when not to use my voice.
• What not to do as a director.
• The work is more important than the publicity.
• I need to research any job before I take it.
• I will never stage manage again for free unless it is with my own company or possibly one of my close friends'.
• A great script is ESSENTIAL no matter who the director or actors may be.
• How important it is to be honest with your cast and crew.
• Casting is a very difficult yet crucial part of a great play.
• It's okay to abandon an idea/point of view in order to uphold the authenticity of the piece.
• Being able to be myself (bad parts and all) is better than holding it all in.
• Taking into account the opinions of those who are close to me is beneficial to my success.

That's just a glance of what the last 3 months have brought me. In no way am I announcing that I now know all...actually the exact opposite...I now know how little I know. But now, I want to go out and create and do some hands on learning. HOORAY FOR MISTAKES! In the mistakes I learn how to get that much closer to where I need to be.

One will never reach success if they aren't willing to risk loosing everything. It's all about the RISK!

Iridescence

How do we fight the darkness
How do we find our way back
I want so much to fly
Fly away from this world
To see it from a different view
Soar through an endless sky

Iridescent lights like dizziness
Ready to capture me
Ready to lead me away

Reckless abandonment
That is what I want
I want to do something wrong
I want to say its okay
I don’t want to care anymore
To be ignorant…bliss

Iridescent lights like dizziness
Ready to capture me
Ready to lead me away

I don’t want to know the truth
But who would I be then
Living in a world that doesn’t exist
Only spins around me like…
Iridescent lights like dizziness
Ready to capture me
Ready to lead me away

Control VS Responsibility

Concept I am struggling with...How do I give over ultimate control and still know when I need to be responsible for daily things? Ultimately fear of failure usually holds me back...but even more so when I don't really know what I'm getting myself into. Humbling to think that really when it comes down to it, I have no idea...When am I in line with the ultimate plan? How do I know? How do I give up control when I know I'm going to fail in surrendering? GRACE...I guess that is the be all end all. I am human and not expected to be perfect...only expected to try to the best of my ability. Sometimes though, I use being human as an excuse for screwing up. I take advantage of forgiveness and live for myself other than for God. Frustrating to think that perfection can never be achieved and that we are bound to fail over and over again.

NEWS

Alrighty all you curious folks (few I'm sure!)...Well I went to Coffee & 'Scream last Thursday and basically got hired on the spot...had an awesome chat with the owner, and got a great feeling about the place. Nothing was for sure though untill she confirmed training on SUNDAY! So...I had to give notice to Community VERY last minute... so you get the whole picture, I brought in this letter on Monday (I was supposed to work there the next morning but was going to work at C&C that day):

November 6, 2006

ATTN: Café Manager

Dear Richard,

I regret to inform you that I have been offered a position elsewhere and therefore this letter serves as notice of my resignation effective immediately. I understand this may come as a surprise at a time that you are so short staffed, but due to the urgent needs of this recent offer I will only be available to work Fridays for the remainder of this month.


Sincerely,

Juliana Marko

As you can see, because I knew of the lack of staff in the cafe, I offered them my services on the one day that was possibly the worst...Fridays. Tuesday, I received this message on my phone:

"Hi Juliana this is Richard from Community Natural Foods calling to let you know that we will NOT need you to come in on Friday and will be putting your "termination" papers through right away..."

SO if you can imagine that in the most pissed off voice...hahaha...obviously he took it personal and is now going to have to pay for it. I am planning on speaking with head office about his behavior towards his employees, so they know the reason people keep leaving the cafe.

YIKES! On a super good note...

I LOVE my new job! The people are so nice an appreciative, and supportive...encouraging; pretty much everything Richard was NOT! It's a great atmosphere, super close to home and to the boys' school and right near Marissa's house and my rehearsal space! YAY!!!!!

Lots of things going on as usual!

Rocky Mountain College is performing "Salt Water Moon" tomorrow night and Saturday at the Easterbrook Theatre in the Curry Barracks here in Calgary...

QUENCHED PURE PERFORMANCE (Dee and friends) will be performing in "Raise a Joyful Noise" at the Jack Singer Concert Hall on Sunday evening (6pm).

If you're around come check them out...they're sure to be great!

I am currently writing an original play plus working on adapting a short novel...thinking about possibly doing both next year...who knows:)

This post was kind of all over the place, but that's sort of how I'm living right now so...HA!

Skipping Out

Well...as awful as it is I'm not going to work today...I have a cold...but that's not the whole reason. For those of you who don't live in Calgary...it's been winter here for the past week!!! YIKES...I have to take 2 buses to get to work plus walk about 15 minutes...in the cold! Anyhoo...I was driving the boys to school yesterday and drove by this shop called Coffee 'N Scream...it's a coffee shop mostly for parents, and there's a kids fun room. They had a sign out that said hiring part time...SURPRISED? GOOD WAGES! So long story short...I'm going down there today to apply. There's a bus right in front of my house that stops right in front of Coffee 'N Scream, so I wouldn't have to do any walking! So here's hoping I get the job. My boss Richard at Community is probably the least emotionally intelligent man I know. Both me and the other girl got yelled at on Tuesday...doesn't really make the work environment very good does it? I mean...I know that most "JOBS" I will have I probably won't enjoy fully, but if the people are nice, it makes it bearable...plus the whole taking 10 minutes to get there is a real plus next to a whole hour!!!! Please pray that this works out...I applied for another job, but never heard back, so I'm really hoping for this one.

Lots to Tell!!!!!!!

Well everyone...after waiting for 2 1/2 weeks, I finally found out that I got a part in the Vagina Monologues! I'm oh so excited! I will be doing a monologue called "The Vagina Workshop". This will be the first year that they are having someone young do it...which means it will bring something totally new to the part! The show goes up in March at The Max Bell Theatre (Theatre Calgary's stage), and we will be doing 4 performances. YIPEE!!!!!! Check out the link to see what the Vagina Monologues and V-Day are all about!

Last night I had a relaxing night...went out to dinner with the "fam" then drove the boys home so Dee and Billy could go see a show. Put the boys to bed, then made myself dessert, sat and watched "Serendipity" and had a glass (or more) of wine. I went to bed at a reasonable hour...around midnight, but kept having all these ideas float through my head about this play that I'm writing. I got up, turned on the light, and began to write...I was up till almost 3am! YIKES! I'm so inspired though and super excited about where the story is going...I won't give details, as I want people to come see it for themselves, but what I will tell you is that the fact and fiction is beginning to mold wonderfully together! My next step now, as I have a pretty solid base, is to contact One Yellow Rabbit again and give them a complete synopsis and vision for the play. Enough hopefully to make them want to do a co-pro with me! I'm planning hopefully to put the show up at the end of next January (2008)....SO EXCITING!!!!!!!

Well...that's all for now...as always more to come I'm sure!

New Happenings

Well hey there...Sunday was DJD's Dance Class Marathon...10 hours of workout! I took Ballet, Belly Dance, West African, Brazilian, Modern, a core/stretch class, Afro Funk, Indonesian, Salsa and a Yoga/massage class. 2 Days later I hurt quite a bit (in an "I worked hard" kind of way). I'm sort of lopsided...my right calf muscle, my left bum, my core, my right peck, and my neck...hahaha.

I finally had my meeting with Paul Ritchie (Talent Inc.) yesterday, and because of a recommendation from a guy I auditioned for he has decided to sign me! YAY! So, I am awaiting a contract for signature, and then I will be hopefully starting to get work. I will be on his principle roster (not background). I know I will probably be getting some background work, but he knows that I'm actually an actor, and not just in it to be on TV.

So that's my news for now! Lots more to come I'm sure.

Nightmares

I had an unbelievably real seeming nightmare this morning...it left me with knots in my back, a feeling of nausea and on the verge of tears.

We were at a hotel somewhere off in the mountains, and invited to some gathering in room 435. Only there was no 4th floor. There was a button in the elevator, so no one actually knew. The elevator shot through the glass, left me with a gash on my forehead and landed us on the roof. He the preceded to take all of the children and put them in his van, then somehow transported us all to a different location where he shot babies one by one as well as any of the rest of us who tried to escape. At one point my friend spoke up and said something really profound...enough to distract him long enough for us both to scramble into his van and hit the gas. There were no other vehicles at the site, so we were sure to be safe. For some reason though, instead of driving straight to the police we drove down a driveway and went into an abandoned house...WHY WOULD I DO THAT???? WHY WOULDN'T I KEEP DRIVING?! For some reason the house started to move, almost like an earthquake and I tumbled out of the house and hopped on a bike which had no lights so I couldn't see a thing. I abandoned the bike and ran to the next farm house and pressed the door bell numerous times. I knew the people that owned the house so when they saw the frightened look on my face they immediately let me in. By this time I had lost my friend, and I had expected the worse for her. We called the police immediately and could hear shrieks of infants being slaughtered. I knew if was only moments before he would come looking for me. we ran around the house trying to lock every opening...but before we got to the large screen door, he appeared in the house...gun raised and ready to shoot. It seemed that only the kids and me were worried enough to put our hands in the air...the others still scrambled around until they noticed he was there. He took me by the arm and said "maybe this will teach you"...as he fired a shot through my frail wrist.

I tried to wake myself and keep myself from thinking about the dream, but all I could think was "how stupid of you...why didn't you run into the dark bushes?...he never would have found you. Why didn't you drive to the police right away?"

I came upstairs soon after and asked Dee for a hug. I needed a little comfort as silly as that sounds. As Dee left for work she saw the tears start to well up in my eyes and told me that thoughts that are anything but loving can't possibly be from God...so try to fight it off, brush it off...yes, that's what I need to do.

Thanksgiving and more...

Happy Thanksgiving all!

I spent a relaxing day yesterday with my Calgary family here at home. We had a pot luck style dinner...lots of yummy food! Greek Potatoes, Turkey, Veggies, stuffed mushrooms, Sweet Potatoes...yummy dip with chips and delicious Pumpkin mousse pie with mom's zucchini loaf. Oh and don't forget the wine! I slept today...till 11am! What is that? Can't usually do that.

I had an audition for the Vagina Monologues on Wednesday which went great...here's hoping I get in! I have also been commissioned by my mother to adapt her short novel into a play...enough to hopefully pay for my entire first season of RAW Productions! Woot Woot! I'm looking into a couple of opportunities to paint murals either for trade or money. I had a little mishap with my meeting with a prospective Agent, so hopefully I will be meeting with him this week sometime. I am participating in DJD's Dance Class Marathon this Sunday...10 hours of mind blowing classes. So looking forward to that! I have been taking a Jazz class there which I LOVE! It's great to still have that part of my life! I'm tossing around 3 plays right now, and seem to be concentrating on one in particular that will be introduced sometime next fall. I'm cutting my hours down at Community come November as it is too crazy to be working that much with everything else going on. Rehearsals for Halo are going well. The actors will be off book this week (which means more work for me)...and things are coming along. I'm starting a sort of small group...basically just me and two other girls. We're going to get together once a week just to keep each other accountable and support each other.

That's all for now...

Why are we always trying to be something we're not?

This picture shows how far some people will go to fit an image they have in their head of what "PERFECTION" is. I can't say I'm much different. I struggle with this every day. I know that media is a huge part of the reason we as women especially feel that we need to be thinner to fit the image of "BEAUTY". All I can think of when I see this picture is how ugly skinny really is. We were not built to look like this! I wonder how she even has enough muscle to stand up let alone move around.

I am writing today because I am at that place of total confusion as to where and what exactly I should be doing. I know this Company is my future...but now all the little details are where I'm getting caught up in. A thought: Maybe I'm focusing too much on trying to find out where each decision will take me that I'm missing the answers right in front of my face. Hmmm...This is something that I struggle with all the time. The little decisions (usually involving money of some sort) are the toughest for me: Venues, marketing, fundraising, paying people, keeping my job, paying my bills...the usual. I know that I have not chosen an easy path...but when it comes down to it, I'm not happy doing anything else (I am reminded of this every time I get up to go to work). I want to be content in letting the answers come when it's time...but isn't this one of the hardest things?

PATIENCE...a virtue I try to work towards every single day.

Confused

So I sit here...dumbfounded by tears rolling down my face that I have no idea where they came from. I am mad, sad, confused, lost, and jealous. I don't even know. I want so many things...I wish I could have I don't even know. I want to feel like I'm accomplishing things, I want to feel like it is ok to be a mess of a human being. I know that that is truly what every one of us is, but I hate it. I want to spend more than a couple days on a high, when it feels I can do anything in the world. That I am enough, that I am beautiful and worth loving. That God loves me no matter the stupid decisions I make. I want to know that I am doing what God wants from me. I want to know more than I do. I want to be someone that other people look up to. I want to feel like I am not always the broken one running for help. I want to feel sane, although I don't even know what that would feel like...I don't think I've ever experienced that. I want to learn how to be private...no I don't! I am not a very private person! I need that tangible person there on the other side of my thoughts. I don't like feeling like I'm the only one that ever feels this way. I think often of how much easier it would be to not be an artist. Would I feel things as deeply as I do now? Would I be as aware? Could I just live in denial of everything? Why can't some thing just be easy? GOD! Why can't you make things easier! I know you want us to learn I know I know I know...in theory but not in my heart. I don't want to know that...Where is that childlike faith and playfulness. Children have an amazing ability to enjoy the littlest things, feel the worst things, and yet every moment is brand new! I want that.

I feel a little like Sarah Dawn Sanders...no...a lot like her.