Random Acts of Kindness...not accepted?

Last night I was out on a date...with myself, and I was standing in line at the movie theater when I have been overhearing time after time that their credit machine was down . Waiting in line, cash in hand I see two men probably about my age paying at separate counters. The one on the left who was being helped first handed his credit card to the clerk and of course was told that it was not working. He hands the woman cash and looks over to his friend on the right and finds out that he has no cash. Now guy number 1 feels like a jerk because he's already paid to see the movie, and has no cash left to help his friend out. I hear him ask if they have an ATM in the building, but alas they did not. At this point I say to myself "What is $10?" So I say to the guy holding out my 10 dollar bill "Here, take this." He tells me no, and I persist "No, take it. Go see the movie with your friend." But he does not accept. Just walks out with his friend.

Have we really gotten to the point of not accepting gifts when they are offered to us? Always thinking that something is wanted in return? I just felt bad, and thought that it was really not that big of a deal for me to offer him a FREE $10!

Anyways...just got me thinking. I'm pretty sure I would have said yes. Of course I probably would insist on getting contact info for them so I could repay them in some way, but I would have graciously accepted the gift!

Something to ponder hey?

Huh...

So do you ever wonder if you are the only person in the world who thinks the way you do? Why is it that it's not openly talked about? I am sure that I am not the only one. I know that this is all a part of "growing up", but it would be a lot easier if other people openly talked about how they felt, thought, etc. I am openly human, day after day, and I screw up, and I don't know how to trust completely, and even though the only thing I want in life is to be able to risk everything, I still find myself stepping back, being afraid to make these jumps. I even lie to myself sometimes. Well maybe it's not lying, because it is sometimes the truth, but other times I'm just as insecure as the next woman.

Here I sit 25 years old, living in my parents' house, working at a server in a going no where restaurant while I sit here and stress about the future...even though to me the future is starting this fall. But that's the problem...I'm living for the future instead of living for right now. How do I live in the now, and still work towards something? TELL ME HOW TO DO THAT! Sometimes I just get so discouraged and think that I'm going to be stuck serving for the rest of my life, never find a husband, and be the crazy single aunt that lives off her parents. I know that I'm focusing on the negative, and there are a lot of things in my life that most people never get to do, but then I look around and everyone has these "normal" lives and sometimes I find myself feeling jealous of them which is the opposite of what I want to be feeling. I know I'm not satisfied living the "American dream life"...but I get stuck in those moments of feeling like it would be so much easier to have a "real job", make lots of money, and be out of debt and own my own home. This is what my peers are doing right now. At least that's how I feel.

I only have 5 years until I'm 30. Do you want to know where I used to picture myself at 30? As of senior year in school, I thought I had it all figured out. I was going to get married the next year, go to school to be a counselor, and by 25 have my first child. At the age of 30 I'd be living in the log house my parents' built with at least 2 children and my husband of about 10 years. Life can throw you a few curve balls hey? Let's talk about that.

I had my heart ripped out of my chest on more than one occasion by the same boy, screwed over some of my friends, represented my city for a year, travelled to Europe, met a man I fell in love with, found my career path because of him, realized that we were not really meant to ever get married, went through 2 years of grueling theatre school that changed my life, met my best friend and mentor who will always be in my life, was a live-in-nanny for almost 2 years, attempted to put up my own productions, acted in numerous shows, moved far away from my safety net in Calgary to live in Normal Illinois in hopes that Chicago will ultimately bring me that much closer to my dream of running my very own non-profit theatre company.

I hate that it seems like the greener grass is never in your own back yard! How do I make my garden a place that satisfies not only me, but possibly a future mate? How do I let go of everything so that I can open up to what is really in store for me? Here is my impatience shining through and showing it's bright colors.

Oh whoa is me...suck it up princess...

37:4

The desires of my heart will one day be spread in front of me...I just have to practice patience and have faith.

Discipline

I am beginning to see once again how much I lack discipline in my life. In every aspect including body, mind, spirit, work; EVERYTHING. Yesterday I started on the long road to establishing discipline as HABIT. Not only do I need to take specific time for myself, but I need to make sure that if I want to own my own company that I can be responsible for motivating myself. In the past I have made out specific SCHEDULES where every task was at a certain time. Now I find that too restricting, and instead have a very specific to do list on my calendar every single day. Things relating to keeping the house clean, working on my company, business things like paying bills or finding an apartment, grocery shopping, exercise, relaxation, praying. Everything. Most of the time I forget to do things, even when I know they're important. So hopefully having this list that I make up every week will give me the opportunity to use my time much more wisely.

Here's to another growing opportunity!

A week only God could predict!

Well...most of you haven't heard about the happenings of the past few days, so I wanted to let you in...

Thursday morning I was finishing up getting ready after an hour workout at the gym when I checked my messages on my phone. There was a message from my cousin Heather in tears telling me to call her back as soon as I got the message. Now to let you know, on Wednesday night she was supposed to be flying to Brazil...so thoughts are running through my head! I call her back right away and she's still in tears and a little frantic...all she says is that she's stuck in Chicago for 10 days but she's on the phone and has to call me back. So without even thinking about it i call work (I was on my way there) and tell them I can't come in because of a family emergency, and decide I'm going to Chicago. I get a hold of my aunt so I can find out what's going on and she tells me that they let her get on in Columbus OH without checking her visa. She gets to Chicago and they won't let her through because her visa had expired!

So needless to say there were a lot of ups and downs. As soon as she grabbed me at the airport she began sobbing. Her long planned 4 weeks in Brazil was quickly shortened to 2. Not something people want to go through. We spent about 7-8 hours in the airport that day trying to figure things out. United gave us food and hotel vouchers so we spent the night and ordered room service. Friday we spent the morning getting her paper work filled out and sent off and then drove back here to Normal. She will be staying with us until the 23rd when hopefully her visa will be here, and she can get on her flight at 9:30pm that evening.

Oh what a whirlwind...I'm just so thankful that she was stranded somewhere within a couple hours of family!

Once again I face the materialistic world...

So as most of you who read my little musings know, about once a year I seem to get this overwhelming urge to shed my life of material things. Over the past month I have been really stressed out about money. I haven't been making enough money to pay my student loans and save enough to move to Chicago. So the other night I was brainstorming about ways to save money and make money. I watched the movie "Into The Wild" and was inspired by his willingness to get rid of pretty much everything he owned to hitch-hike and live off the land. As a first step towards living as simply as possible I am selling all of my movies and CD's...including all of my Friend's DVD's. Those of you who know me well, know that this is a huge step for me. I have also given into the fact that I cannot afford to live by myself in Chicago, so I am going to be living with my friend and her boyfriend. I am looking forward to getting one step closer to a life that is less tied down to STUFF!

Everything comes to a head...

As some of you know, my new little niece had a rough first few days, but after 10 days in the hospital she is finally coming home! This is what I am trying to focus on right now...

Had a rough morning as some things came to a head, but I know that God has a bigger plan for me than I have for myself, so I'm trying to come to peace with that.

Living far away from some of my closest friends has finally shown itself to be very difficult. The people I would normally talk to in rough times are only a phone call away i know, but we don't seem to be able to easily connect, because of schedules etc.

I am blessed to be near family, and I am thankful I have a job (though not making as much as I had hoped), and I am thankful that I have the opportunity to live in a house rent-free for 6 months.

These are the things to focus on...I'm saying this for me...not for you that read this. I need to be reminded everyday of the positive. Of the glorious things God does for me.

Peace

No life!

I got a job! I'll be serving full-time at Lonestar Steakhouse and Saloon. Let me just say that Normal really is Normal...there is nothing out of the ordinary...not a lot of cool little spots. I really hope I can meet some fun people at work...this no friend thing is driving me a little nuts, especially when I live in the same house as my parents! What was I thinking??? Free Room and Board...right...I just have to remind myself that this is only 6 months out of my life...I can get myself all organized for Chicago! Yay!

I can't wait to have more of a life here though!

BIG MOVE!!!! First driving day!

I started my trek on Thursday leaving Calgary quite teary. I made it back to BC safely, and spent the evening going through old things and packing some things to bring. Yesterday my dad and I re-packed the uhaul and I had a very low-key open house goodbye party.

This morning I was at the border in line before it opened at 9am. When it was finally my turn I had a tiny hickup where the border guard wanted me to write down the value and place of origin of EVERYTHING I was bringing in so he could let me know how much duty I needed to pay. Thankfully in the middle of doing so, the guard came back with more information and let me go without any further hassle! YAY!

AND NOW, I've finished my first day...a few hours earlier than I had hoped. I-90 was closed just after Bozeman Montana, so we were re-routed back into Bozeman, and if I wanted to go all the way to Billings tonight...it would have taken me double the time from here to there...executive decision was to get a room in Bozeman...only I went into a hotel and they had no rooms...they told me there was only 1 hotel with rooms available because of the road closure! THANKFULLY I did get a room in that motel: the Lewis and Clark Motel. I had to sneek my cute kitty in the room...hope I don't get caught!!!

Well, hopefully I can catch up on some time tomorrow!

Love to all!

Not TOO Far Off

As always things are always changing!

Since I returned home from Illinois in November my spirits have been quite down. I was really depressed. My heart is just not in Calgary anymore, and I've been feeling that I don't belong here. When I expressed this to Deirdre, her initial reaction was a sort of "told you so" since she had a feeling back in June when I told her my plans to move that I wouldn't last another year. After that she asked me what my reasons were for staying in Calgary until June, and I couldn't come up with a good enough answer. So needless to say I decided that I would leave at the end of February. Why February? Well there are a few things that I wanted to do before I moved, and it didn't seem doable to do in less than 8 weeks. So, here I am preparing for the next season of my life to start. Even though I am definitely ready to leave, there is a lot of emotional work I need to do to prepare to leave so many wonderful people. This move embodies the definition of what I always hope to do in life: RISK. You have to make those big leaps if you want to move forward. This is just one of my jumps.

I look forward to the next chapter in my life...I am so blessed!

The last leg...

Well, its about 5 and a half months until I make my big move to Illinois! So because I'm trying to save enough to not have to worry come September about apartment deposits and things like that, I have taken on another job...that's right...so counting my theatre company I have 4 jobs now! CRAZY I know! I'll be serving at Chili's now, about 3-4 times a week. I'm studying now to memorize the menu and all of the abbreviations and ingredients. I now remember why I stopped taking acedemics...hahaha...tests! Anyhow, I'm sure I'll do fine. I take my test on Sunday and probably my first shift a week from today. I've decided that all of the money I make at Chili's will go directly into my savings account. That way I'm guaranteed to have enough money. I figured since serving is probably the best way to make good money once I move to Chicago, that it would be a good idea to get some experience before I leave. Plus Chili's is one of the only restaurants here in Calgary that they have in the States...so it will look good on my resume!

My plan is to leave Calgary on Sunday June 1st. It may take up to 5 days to drive depending on what I might want to do along the way, so I'll probably arrive around the 6th. I will be staying at my parents place in Normal Illinois. That's right I said it...NORMAL Illinois! I will probably get another serving job for the summer while I try and get things settled in Chicago. Then come September I'll be making the move just 2 hours north of Normal to Chicago!

I'm super stoked even though I know it's going to be hard to leave. I'm sure the time will fly by with me having so many jobs! HAHAHAHA!

Well...until next time!

Embarking On A New Objective

Silhouette is embarking on a new objective. Instead of working towards becoming a traditional professional theatre company, Silhouette is making a leap into an unknown world.
Before I venture to tell you about this endevour here is a little peice of why I decided to go this way:
I sat and watched the last few weeks of a woman’s life tonight. It doesn’t matter who it was or what she did…what matters is that she wanted to make a difference. She wanted the world to see the person she was…faults and all.
Honestly? I have a hard time watching things like this…because they get me thinking. But then they almost paralyze me. I have all of these life changing moments that I want to share with people…but then I get depressed and pessimistic about the reality of there being only one me. What can one woman do? Then I shut the TV off and go on with my night or day…my life. My endless moments of denial.
What do I really want?
I want to make a difference. I don’t want fame or money…I want to change people’s lives.
I find myself longing to be an outspoken activist. But I don’t seem to have the nerve. After all…all I have is my own opinion. I don’t know anything.
I know that this has been said millions of times before…but why is it that while countries like Canada, the United States, England, France and many others are throwing out tons of food every minute, when there are countless people in the world dying of malnutrition every day? Why is it that we can’t seem to solve this? What is the answer?
See…this is where I become overwhelmed. Where do I start? I guess the thing is that we can’t look to the end result…we can only look to what we can do right NOW. What is one thing I can do today to help?
Tonight I decided that it is more important to talk about these issues than anything else. And what better way to do that than through art. Artists of the world are the ones who create movements. How can we create a movement?
A dear friend is working on a project right now. It’s called the Peace Project. She is using her gift of dance to bring peace to people. What a brilliant idea!
We need to break all of the barriers…race, religion, age, sex. We all need to join together to bring peace upon the world. Do you really want your children and grandchildren to grow up in a world that is determined by the news and tabloids? Do you want to see our world taken over by the richest of the rich?
Some of the most humbling people have nothing at all. Not a dime. They are lucky to have a full meal.
These are the people that are so grateful for everything they have. Life is so precious to them. While the
rest of us worry about how to pay our credit cards, they thank God they could feed their child that day.

So now that you have heard the beginnings…here is my goal:
To become a Company of Artists (multi-lingual/multi-racial: actors, visual artists, writers, dancers and musicians) who perform original work as well as existing work in their home based theatre to raise money to: 1. donate to charities and 2. Enable the company to travel around the world offering free workshops and performances as well as services and supplies where needed.

ME...unedited...

I sat and watched the last few weeks of a woman’s life tonight. It doesn’t matter who it was or what she did…what matters is that she wanted to make a difference. She wanted the world to see the person she was…faults and all.
Honestly? I have a hard time watching things like this…because they get me thinking. But then they almost paralyze me. I have all of these life changing moments that I want to share with people…but then I get depressed and pessimistic about the reality of there being only one me. What can one woman do? Then I shut the TV off and go on with my night or day…my life. My endless moments of denial. What do I really want? I want to make a difference. I don’t want fame or money…I want to change people’s lives.
I find myself longing to be an outspoken activist. But I don’t seem to have the nerve. After all…all I have is my own opinion. I don’t know anything.
Why is it that ordinary people hardly ever seem to make a difference? Publicity. That’s got to be it. I’m sure there are people out there who do countless things for other people. Maybe only one thing…but if they’ve made a difference in 1 life…that’s enough. Think about the fact that if each and every one of us made a difference in 1 person’s life…what a different place this would be.
I know that this has been said millions of times before…but why is it that while countries like Canada, the United States, England, France and many others are throwing out tons of food every minute, when there are countless people in the world dying of malnutrition every day? Why is it that we can’t seem to solve this? What is the answer? See…this is where I become overwhelmed. Where do I start? I guess the thing is that we can’t look to the end result…we can only look to what we can do right NOW. What is one thing I can do today to help?
Tonight I decided that it is more important to talk about these issues than anything else. And what better way to do that than through art. Artists of the world are the ones who create movements. How can we create a movement.
A dear friend is working on a project right now. It’s called the Peace Project. She is using her gift of dance to bring peace to people. What a brilliant idea.
We need to break all of the barriers…race, religion, age, sex. We all need to join together to bring peace upon the world. Do you really want your children and grandchildren to grow up in a world that is determined by the news and tabloids? Do you want to see our world taken over by the richest of the rich? Some of the most humbling people have nothing at all. Not a dime. They are lucky to have a full meal. These are the people that are so grateful for everything they have. Life is so precious to them. While the rest of us worry about how to pay our credit cards, they thank God they could feed their child that day.
How attached are we to our possessions? Could you give up everything you own? Could you live with BASIC necessities? Living in North America could you even try? I don’t know if I could do it here. I want to be able to. I want to be able to say that material things don’t matter to me at all. I guess I could say that I know I would be all right without all the stuff. The problem is that I don’t want to give it up. I want those CD’s that new DVD…I want to buy a house and funky furniture. I want to be able to eat out whenever I want and buy that cool pair of shoes. What if I didn’t have any of it? What if I got rid of my TV, my cell phone, my dvd’s, my cd’s, my stereo, computer. What if I had 2 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, a sweater, a jacket, 5 pairs of underwear, 1 bra, 5 pairs of socks, 1 pair of shoes. That’s more than most people have. I know that statement sounds false…but when you take into account every human in the WORLD…that statement is completely true. Maybe not in North America…but in the WORLD. What if instead of taking pictures, I wrote, and drew pictures to remember. What if I spent my hard earned money on things that mattered? What if I could do that? Can I do that? Is that crazy?
I’ve been here before. For 3months, I packed up my DVD’s and CD’s and stopped watching TV. I packed up over half of my clothing. I wanted to see if it made a difference. But you know what? It didn’t. But was that because I knew it was all in the storage room waiting for me to open it up again? I don’t know. I won’t know until I make the leap. Until I decide to live with the bare minimum. How does one do that in this North American Culture? How can I live and work on this continent and go completely against what the bulk of the population tells me is the right way to live? Get over myself. I don’t know if I’m ready to do that. But I WANT to be. I want it desperately.
I want to give away (not sell) my books, my dvd’s, my cd’s my cell phone, my camera, my ipod, my computer, my TV and VCR, my nic nacs. ANYTHING THAT IS NOT HAND MADE by someone dear to me. ALL the EXTRA stuff. I have a ton of it. A ton! Could I live with that…with minimal furniture…minimal clothes and linens. Could I buy all natural products and boycott anything with chemicals, artificial colors, flavors, scents…Could I buy 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 bottle of shampoo, 1 bottle of deodorant, and use them to the bitter end and recycle the packaging? I have countless bottles of half-empty products just sitting in my room…Half the clothes I own I don’t wear, with the exception of a few movies, my dvd’s are hardly watched, and my cd’s barely listened to. I am 24 and have accumulated a uhaul full of crap basically. With the exception of my artwork and old photographs…everything I own is basically unnecessary.
Can I live an artist’s life without all the glamour and technology of today?
Maybe one day I can do it. How do I prepare?
Move slowly…one step at a time. Downsize month by month. Stop eating out unless it’s someone’s birthday…do something to make a difference on my birthday instead of going out and spending money on food an alcohol. Find ways to have fun with minimal spending money, so I can put the money to better use.
Month one: CLOTHES (including accessories, outerwear and shoes)
Month two: Toiletries
Month three: nic nacs
Month four: CD’s (buy online music)
Month Five: DVD’s (rent or borrow from library) keep only brilliant artistic films and home movies.
Month Six: cell phone (unless I have no land line…one phone, minimum extras)
Is it wrong to want to be famous in order to make a difference? Would there be a way to be famous without living a celebrity lifestyle?
I’m baffled…I don’t know that I will sleep tonight. My mind is racing. I don’t know what to do. Pray. Pray for courage and light on the path that I am meant to follow. How do I use my gift as an artist to make a difference? Can I give up most of the American lifestyle?
Please God…help me along the way. Reveal to me what it is that I am meant to do. Can I begin to live the life of a "hippie rebel artist"? I would like to. I want to get over wanting to fit in…wanting everyone to like me…I know that if I embark on this path I will cross some paths of people who will not like or agree with my choices. Give me the determination and guts to do what you want me to do. To take risks. To be a rebel like Jesus. Give me the strength to walk through the storm.
Am I nuts?

Fall, Winter, Spring

Well, the next 7 months are going to be tough as I am awaiting my huge move to Illinois! I know it will probably fly by, but I am so excited, and having a hard time being alright with where I am right now. And for some reason I find it fun to torture myself by looking at apartments in Chicago online and inquiring about jobs. I am planning to make the trek at the end of May/first few days of June in a U-Haul to Bloomington/Normal Illinois where I will stay the summer in the house my parents bought this past summer. I am going to be looking for a summer nanny position that is full time, and will also be using my time there to look for an apartment and a job in Chicago.

Until then, my life in Calgary moves on...right now I am starting rehearsals for Silhouette's next show The Melville Boys that goes up the first week of December...after that, I'm sort of unsure, but know that I will be staying through May to help Deirdre out with the boys until after her spring show. I will hopefully be able to bring my one-woman show to the Kootenays in March or April, and other than that I'm a little unsure of what the winter holds...we'll see.

Right now I am praying for peace of mind and patience.

I am looking forward to a 10 day vaca to Illinois in November to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my Parents 40th Anniversary with my family!

Choice

What a journey this has been. It is one thing to say you are going to do something, and an entirely other thing to actually go through with it. So, it is opening night tonight for my one woman show "Broken". It has been a bumpy and short rehearsal process, so feelings of being unprepared and not good enough have been just a few that I have experienced in the last couple of days. Today I am making the choice to be at peace with where this project is right now, and remembering that it is still a work in progress...this is not the be all end all.

Thank you to all of you who have supported and encouraged me through this project. I am truly grateful for your prayers and shoulders. Sometimes it is hard to rely solely on the creator to be my shoulder, so having you dear friends to lean on when I'm knee deep in tears is such a blessing. Thank you for helping me learn a long the way.

And as my dear friend Deirdre is working on her "Peace Project" I am reminded to be comfortable with being at peace, and to wish peace on everyone in my life...so...

Peace to all of you...

Check it out!

Check out my company's blog!

http://silhouettetheatre.blogspot.com/

You'll find all the info you need on upcoming shows!

Insanity

Well well well. What an insane life I live. here I am, a few weeks past my last blog, and a zillion things have happened. I rehearsed my heart out for a show, I worked overtime, babysat for a few different families, said hello again and goodbye to my dear friend Marissa, shot two bit parts in very different films (one Disney, one independent), took a few of my acting classes, finished the first draft of my one-woman show, threw a party that took way too much money that I didn't have, visited with my parents, snuck in a few dates with friends, some cleaning and kid-watching, re-introduced myself to my bike, volunteered at a Bingo for DJD, saw Marissa's show twice, received my US passport application in the mail with some things that went wrong, fixed those things, changed banks, sent off my royalty cheque to Playwrights Guild of Canada, and somehow was able to watch 2 seasons of Gilmore Girls in my spare time (hahaha...more like time I should have been sleeping, besides today since I was sick and home from work and acting).

I think I really needed today. Just to chill and be a hermit in my room. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE what I do...it's just that sometimes, I like to have a day when I don't have to do anything. Which hardly happens unless I'm sick, because even on my one day off a week, even seeing people is sort of an obligation, even though I enjoy spending time with friends.

Since Marissa left, I've been down...realizing that it's going to be a year until I see her next, and that when that time comes that I have to leave so many people I love behind. It's going to be an interesting year. A full year to put it mildly. I have my two shows, then Dee has a show, then hopefully I'll be entering festivals in the Spring, and trying to make extra money to save for Chicago. Chicago. I'm actually moving to Chicago. That's a huge step. I'm taking a risk. I'm jumping off the cliff, and hoping I land somewhere moderately comfy.

Risk...that's what life is all about right? Risk...if you don't, you'll never really know. And how can you ever truly love if you don't risk being hurt? You can't. That's it, that's what I have to remember.

July till December...NEWS

Well...it never fails! The life of an artist is ALWAYS crazy and unpredictable. Since I returned home from Hawaii, it's been go go go! I worked lots of extra hours at the coffee shop during Stampede, did some extra babysitting, and lined up the rest of the summer. My mom came down for a week to help me through a bit of a rough time, and she got to see what my life is really like: running around with the kids, cleaning up after them, jetting out to work, then rehearsal, then maybe a babysitting job or an acting class. Yes, pretty hectic, but I love it!

On the 23rd I started rehearsals for A Twist Of Murder going up next week at The Calgary Fringe Festival, and it's been a GREAT learning experience (as all shows one does should be!)! I also had the opportunity to do a random job last week for WORKOPOLIS.COM handing out lunch bags to working professionals, downtown Calgary from 6am till 9am. Easy way to make some fast cash! My amazing friend Marissa will be coming back for the Fringe Festival on Monday, and I'm SUPER stoked about that! Also, I just was able to land some background work in a Disney Movie filming here in Calgary called "Snoglobe". I'll be downtown shooting all Wednesday night (6pm-6am)! Fun stuff. ALSO...I'll be doing a very small bit role in an independent film in a few weeks that a friend is Assistant Director of.

On top of that my theatre is lined up for my 2 fall shows: "BROKEN" written by Roger Mason and myself, Directed by Sharla Erik, and performed by.....ME, September 6-9, "MELVILLE BOYS" written by Norm Foster and Directed by Deanna Adam, December 5-8. I'll be acting in that one as well! Both shows will be held at The Birds and Stone Theatre.

So...needless to say, things are rolling along. this year is all about saving money for a BIG move to Chicago Illinois in September 2008!

Well, that's it in a nutshell for now...

hmmm...the battle

ok...hmm...well today is the day my friend Deanna arrives...yay! She was supposed to arrive a couple hours ago, but her flight from Calgary this morning was cancelled, so she arrives at 7:45pm HST. Yeah...we are 4 hours earlier than my home in Calgary.

This however is not really the reason I'm writing. It's been an interesting week. That's right. I've been here a week already! I have to say that it has been lovely to be able to relax so much. It's been kind of strange though. I sort of feel down, and I'm not quite sure why. no. I guess that's a lie. I do know why but i hate that I feel this way. This is for all you women like myself: SINGLE.

The reason I never took a holiday like this before on my own, was because I was waiting for someone to take me. I know that seems really childish and naive, but that's how I feel. And seeing couple after couple here...honeymooning or vacationing or just going to the beach on their day off has made me realize what I don't have.

I think I like to live a fairly independent life to show people in my life that I'm doing ok, that I'm making it on my own, only the few people I'm really close with know that I long for something so much more. I don't want to be a super independent single woman in her 30's...hear what I'm saying? I heard this beautiful song today: Beautiful Disaster. It was great because it is so true! And I'm not saying that I'm not hopeful because I am, it's just that because I don't have that quality of insane optimism like some (ahem...you know who you are!), I find myself doubting that it will ever happen.

I was talking to a friend the other day about just wanting desperately to be kissed. Yes, I left Calgary saying I just want to have a good make-out! But you know what?! That's not satisfying enough for me. I don't want to be kissed just for the sake of being kissed. I don't know if men know this or not, but it's not usually the physical that we're literally craving...it's what that physical step stands for. I want every responsibility that comes along with it. So what I'm saying is that I don't think I could actually go through with making out with some random guy, because I know that the reason I want to be kissed, and the reason the random guy wants to kiss me are entirely different...And sometimes I think it would be kinda cool if I could switch that button off so I could actually do the whole random thing, but really what would that be adding to my life? NOTHING. God says that he will give me the desire of my heart. I do believe that that will happen, but it is my downfall that I doubt by nature, that I am impatient, and that I am a woman who longs to be pursued the way a woman was meant to be pursued. And believe me when I say that I know things aren't happy ever after. I have had more than enough examples of that, but the thing is...I still want it. Bad stuff and all. I want the painful tears...because you know what that means? That you desperately love the person so much...

HAWAII BABY!

Well here I sit! I'm at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in some small town I don't even know the name of on the island of Oahu! Here's the story so far:

Because of the 4 hour time difference, I went to bed extremely early yesterday and woke up extremely early this morning. I woke up made my breakfast of pop-tarts...ewww I know...let's just say the food in my cousin's house is not all that healthy or me-friendly! I finished watching The Wedding Planner which I had started last night...that was at about 6am. Oh wait...forgot the best part...the windows are all open in their house, so you fall asleep to birds and you wake up to them. It's beautiful! Except the goose across the street...yes the neighbour has a pet goose and gets high every night! hahahaha! So, after the movie and pop-tarts, I took a refreshing shower, got myself dressed (bathing suit and all), and packed a beach bag and my lap-top just in case. I had no idea where I was going, so a map wasn't really useful, but I had a car, so I just got in and drove! I ended up at this beautiful park on the ocean with a long but skinny beach. It was gorgeous! I arrived there around 8am and took a walk (in just my bathing suit) along the waterside. I layed in the sun and watched crabs come in and out of their little hiding spots, and the clouds move across the sun. At about 9 I decided to pack up and see what else I could see. I found myself though thinking about food, so I went in search of the market Michelle told me about. I found it quite easily (right off the highway) and loaded up on fruits and veggies...Michelle told me the prices were rediculous...I don't think they're bad at all. The only thing that was really steeply priced were the red, orange, and yellow peppers...mmmmm fresh fruits and veggies! I made my way home and unpacked all of my food and went to look through the phone book for an internet cafe. I was getting hungry by this time, so I made myself a sandwich and headed to their downstairs where I watched Pirates of the carribean 2...it was POURING rain by this time...but soooooo beautiful! None of this cold stuff...warm rain....mmmmmmmm!

I had quite the adventure this afternoon...I decided to go to Starbucks since Michelle left me a $5 gift card and hoping they would have wireless. They did have a connection, but you had to pay for it....$10 for the day...but I asked about another place (where I am now), and kept it in mind for later. I sat down with my chai and wrote 2 1/2 pages of a play I'm working on, and then left in search of the internet cafe! Well...this was interesting...I took 1 wrong turn, and was headed across the island, unable to turn around. No worries though since I was not in a hurry and the scenery was increadible! Really guys...the mountains you drive through are insane (in a much different way than the rockies)! I ended up almost in Pearl Harbour, but got myself onto the correct highway headed back in the direction of Kaneohe. I took a few wrong turns after that, but got to the town I was looking for and had to pull into a Salvation Army to ask someone where it was!

Well...needless to say I am having a glorious relaxing time! It's really nice not to be in the really touristy area!

More to come!

Oh...PS I'm drinking the most delicious frapped pomegranet tea!

how am i? (REALLY?)

What a loaded question. Usually I answer this question with "Good..." maybe I'd add "a little tired"...but how am I REALLY doing? I don't think most people understand that if you ask this question you might open a whole bag of worms. Now usually I just don't want to open that bag of worms with just anyone which is why I say I'm alright.

Now recently I've discovered that I really want someone to be there for me...I don't mean a Man but of course that would be nice...but what I mean is someone (other than Dee who is awesome by the way) that I can cry with or just be completely open with. So I've been told that the first step to that is just being as open as possible with the people I feel close with.

It's harder than it sounds. Why? Because I thought I WAS being open with them before, but now I find out that usually the way I'm feeling is not exactly what comes out of my mouth...

I guess I also have a fear that people will just think that I'm complaining or not "sucking it up". I find that I feel like I'm complaining already and if I were to actually admit how I'm feeling I would get torn apart...maybe it's not even that. It's more that I won't be understood and that people won't know HOW to talk to me so that I feel they understand or that they are supportive.

I'm tired...