The last leg...

Well, its about 5 and a half months until I make my big move to Illinois! So because I'm trying to save enough to not have to worry come September about apartment deposits and things like that, I have taken on another job...that's right...so counting my theatre company I have 4 jobs now! CRAZY I know! I'll be serving at Chili's now, about 3-4 times a week. I'm studying now to memorize the menu and all of the abbreviations and ingredients. I now remember why I stopped taking acedemics...hahaha...tests! Anyhow, I'm sure I'll do fine. I take my test on Sunday and probably my first shift a week from today. I've decided that all of the money I make at Chili's will go directly into my savings account. That way I'm guaranteed to have enough money. I figured since serving is probably the best way to make good money once I move to Chicago, that it would be a good idea to get some experience before I leave. Plus Chili's is one of the only restaurants here in Calgary that they have in the States...so it will look good on my resume!

My plan is to leave Calgary on Sunday June 1st. It may take up to 5 days to drive depending on what I might want to do along the way, so I'll probably arrive around the 6th. I will be staying at my parents place in Normal Illinois. That's right I said it...NORMAL Illinois! I will probably get another serving job for the summer while I try and get things settled in Chicago. Then come September I'll be making the move just 2 hours north of Normal to Chicago!

I'm super stoked even though I know it's going to be hard to leave. I'm sure the time will fly by with me having so many jobs! HAHAHAHA!

Well...until next time!

Embarking On A New Objective

Silhouette is embarking on a new objective. Instead of working towards becoming a traditional professional theatre company, Silhouette is making a leap into an unknown world.
Before I venture to tell you about this endevour here is a little peice of why I decided to go this way:
I sat and watched the last few weeks of a woman’s life tonight. It doesn’t matter who it was or what she did…what matters is that she wanted to make a difference. She wanted the world to see the person she was…faults and all.
Honestly? I have a hard time watching things like this…because they get me thinking. But then they almost paralyze me. I have all of these life changing moments that I want to share with people…but then I get depressed and pessimistic about the reality of there being only one me. What can one woman do? Then I shut the TV off and go on with my night or day…my life. My endless moments of denial.
What do I really want?
I want to make a difference. I don’t want fame or money…I want to change people’s lives.
I find myself longing to be an outspoken activist. But I don’t seem to have the nerve. After all…all I have is my own opinion. I don’t know anything.
I know that this has been said millions of times before…but why is it that while countries like Canada, the United States, England, France and many others are throwing out tons of food every minute, when there are countless people in the world dying of malnutrition every day? Why is it that we can’t seem to solve this? What is the answer?
See…this is where I become overwhelmed. Where do I start? I guess the thing is that we can’t look to the end result…we can only look to what we can do right NOW. What is one thing I can do today to help?
Tonight I decided that it is more important to talk about these issues than anything else. And what better way to do that than through art. Artists of the world are the ones who create movements. How can we create a movement?
A dear friend is working on a project right now. It’s called the Peace Project. She is using her gift of dance to bring peace to people. What a brilliant idea!
We need to break all of the barriers…race, religion, age, sex. We all need to join together to bring peace upon the world. Do you really want your children and grandchildren to grow up in a world that is determined by the news and tabloids? Do you want to see our world taken over by the richest of the rich?
Some of the most humbling people have nothing at all. Not a dime. They are lucky to have a full meal.
These are the people that are so grateful for everything they have. Life is so precious to them. While the
rest of us worry about how to pay our credit cards, they thank God they could feed their child that day.

So now that you have heard the beginnings…here is my goal:
To become a Company of Artists (multi-lingual/multi-racial: actors, visual artists, writers, dancers and musicians) who perform original work as well as existing work in their home based theatre to raise money to: 1. donate to charities and 2. Enable the company to travel around the world offering free workshops and performances as well as services and supplies where needed.

ME...unedited...

I sat and watched the last few weeks of a woman’s life tonight. It doesn’t matter who it was or what she did…what matters is that she wanted to make a difference. She wanted the world to see the person she was…faults and all.
Honestly? I have a hard time watching things like this…because they get me thinking. But then they almost paralyze me. I have all of these life changing moments that I want to share with people…but then I get depressed and pessimistic about the reality of there being only one me. What can one woman do? Then I shut the TV off and go on with my night or day…my life. My endless moments of denial. What do I really want? I want to make a difference. I don’t want fame or money…I want to change people’s lives.
I find myself longing to be an outspoken activist. But I don’t seem to have the nerve. After all…all I have is my own opinion. I don’t know anything.
Why is it that ordinary people hardly ever seem to make a difference? Publicity. That’s got to be it. I’m sure there are people out there who do countless things for other people. Maybe only one thing…but if they’ve made a difference in 1 life…that’s enough. Think about the fact that if each and every one of us made a difference in 1 person’s life…what a different place this would be.
I know that this has been said millions of times before…but why is it that while countries like Canada, the United States, England, France and many others are throwing out tons of food every minute, when there are countless people in the world dying of malnutrition every day? Why is it that we can’t seem to solve this? What is the answer? See…this is where I become overwhelmed. Where do I start? I guess the thing is that we can’t look to the end result…we can only look to what we can do right NOW. What is one thing I can do today to help?
Tonight I decided that it is more important to talk about these issues than anything else. And what better way to do that than through art. Artists of the world are the ones who create movements. How can we create a movement.
A dear friend is working on a project right now. It’s called the Peace Project. She is using her gift of dance to bring peace to people. What a brilliant idea.
We need to break all of the barriers…race, religion, age, sex. We all need to join together to bring peace upon the world. Do you really want your children and grandchildren to grow up in a world that is determined by the news and tabloids? Do you want to see our world taken over by the richest of the rich? Some of the most humbling people have nothing at all. Not a dime. They are lucky to have a full meal. These are the people that are so grateful for everything they have. Life is so precious to them. While the rest of us worry about how to pay our credit cards, they thank God they could feed their child that day.
How attached are we to our possessions? Could you give up everything you own? Could you live with BASIC necessities? Living in North America could you even try? I don’t know if I could do it here. I want to be able to. I want to be able to say that material things don’t matter to me at all. I guess I could say that I know I would be all right without all the stuff. The problem is that I don’t want to give it up. I want those CD’s that new DVD…I want to buy a house and funky furniture. I want to be able to eat out whenever I want and buy that cool pair of shoes. What if I didn’t have any of it? What if I got rid of my TV, my cell phone, my dvd’s, my cd’s, my stereo, computer. What if I had 2 pairs of pants, 5 shirts, a sweater, a jacket, 5 pairs of underwear, 1 bra, 5 pairs of socks, 1 pair of shoes. That’s more than most people have. I know that statement sounds false…but when you take into account every human in the WORLD…that statement is completely true. Maybe not in North America…but in the WORLD. What if instead of taking pictures, I wrote, and drew pictures to remember. What if I spent my hard earned money on things that mattered? What if I could do that? Can I do that? Is that crazy?
I’ve been here before. For 3months, I packed up my DVD’s and CD’s and stopped watching TV. I packed up over half of my clothing. I wanted to see if it made a difference. But you know what? It didn’t. But was that because I knew it was all in the storage room waiting for me to open it up again? I don’t know. I won’t know until I make the leap. Until I decide to live with the bare minimum. How does one do that in this North American Culture? How can I live and work on this continent and go completely against what the bulk of the population tells me is the right way to live? Get over myself. I don’t know if I’m ready to do that. But I WANT to be. I want it desperately.
I want to give away (not sell) my books, my dvd’s, my cd’s my cell phone, my camera, my ipod, my computer, my TV and VCR, my nic nacs. ANYTHING THAT IS NOT HAND MADE by someone dear to me. ALL the EXTRA stuff. I have a ton of it. A ton! Could I live with that…with minimal furniture…minimal clothes and linens. Could I buy all natural products and boycott anything with chemicals, artificial colors, flavors, scents…Could I buy 1 tube of toothpaste, 1 bottle of shampoo, 1 bottle of deodorant, and use them to the bitter end and recycle the packaging? I have countless bottles of half-empty products just sitting in my room…Half the clothes I own I don’t wear, with the exception of a few movies, my dvd’s are hardly watched, and my cd’s barely listened to. I am 24 and have accumulated a uhaul full of crap basically. With the exception of my artwork and old photographs…everything I own is basically unnecessary.
Can I live an artist’s life without all the glamour and technology of today?
Maybe one day I can do it. How do I prepare?
Move slowly…one step at a time. Downsize month by month. Stop eating out unless it’s someone’s birthday…do something to make a difference on my birthday instead of going out and spending money on food an alcohol. Find ways to have fun with minimal spending money, so I can put the money to better use.
Month one: CLOTHES (including accessories, outerwear and shoes)
Month two: Toiletries
Month three: nic nacs
Month four: CD’s (buy online music)
Month Five: DVD’s (rent or borrow from library) keep only brilliant artistic films and home movies.
Month Six: cell phone (unless I have no land line…one phone, minimum extras)
Is it wrong to want to be famous in order to make a difference? Would there be a way to be famous without living a celebrity lifestyle?
I’m baffled…I don’t know that I will sleep tonight. My mind is racing. I don’t know what to do. Pray. Pray for courage and light on the path that I am meant to follow. How do I use my gift as an artist to make a difference? Can I give up most of the American lifestyle?
Please God…help me along the way. Reveal to me what it is that I am meant to do. Can I begin to live the life of a "hippie rebel artist"? I would like to. I want to get over wanting to fit in…wanting everyone to like me…I know that if I embark on this path I will cross some paths of people who will not like or agree with my choices. Give me the determination and guts to do what you want me to do. To take risks. To be a rebel like Jesus. Give me the strength to walk through the storm.
Am I nuts?

Fall, Winter, Spring

Well, the next 7 months are going to be tough as I am awaiting my huge move to Illinois! I know it will probably fly by, but I am so excited, and having a hard time being alright with where I am right now. And for some reason I find it fun to torture myself by looking at apartments in Chicago online and inquiring about jobs. I am planning to make the trek at the end of May/first few days of June in a U-Haul to Bloomington/Normal Illinois where I will stay the summer in the house my parents bought this past summer. I am going to be looking for a summer nanny position that is full time, and will also be using my time there to look for an apartment and a job in Chicago.

Until then, my life in Calgary moves on...right now I am starting rehearsals for Silhouette's next show The Melville Boys that goes up the first week of December...after that, I'm sort of unsure, but know that I will be staying through May to help Deirdre out with the boys until after her spring show. I will hopefully be able to bring my one-woman show to the Kootenays in March or April, and other than that I'm a little unsure of what the winter holds...we'll see.

Right now I am praying for peace of mind and patience.

I am looking forward to a 10 day vaca to Illinois in November to celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, and my Parents 40th Anniversary with my family!

Choice

What a journey this has been. It is one thing to say you are going to do something, and an entirely other thing to actually go through with it. So, it is opening night tonight for my one woman show "Broken". It has been a bumpy and short rehearsal process, so feelings of being unprepared and not good enough have been just a few that I have experienced in the last couple of days. Today I am making the choice to be at peace with where this project is right now, and remembering that it is still a work in progress...this is not the be all end all.

Thank you to all of you who have supported and encouraged me through this project. I am truly grateful for your prayers and shoulders. Sometimes it is hard to rely solely on the creator to be my shoulder, so having you dear friends to lean on when I'm knee deep in tears is such a blessing. Thank you for helping me learn a long the way.

And as my dear friend Deirdre is working on her "Peace Project" I am reminded to be comfortable with being at peace, and to wish peace on everyone in my life...so...

Peace to all of you...

Check it out!

Check out my company's blog!

http://silhouettetheatre.blogspot.com/

You'll find all the info you need on upcoming shows!

Insanity

Well well well. What an insane life I live. here I am, a few weeks past my last blog, and a zillion things have happened. I rehearsed my heart out for a show, I worked overtime, babysat for a few different families, said hello again and goodbye to my dear friend Marissa, shot two bit parts in very different films (one Disney, one independent), took a few of my acting classes, finished the first draft of my one-woman show, threw a party that took way too much money that I didn't have, visited with my parents, snuck in a few dates with friends, some cleaning and kid-watching, re-introduced myself to my bike, volunteered at a Bingo for DJD, saw Marissa's show twice, received my US passport application in the mail with some things that went wrong, fixed those things, changed banks, sent off my royalty cheque to Playwrights Guild of Canada, and somehow was able to watch 2 seasons of Gilmore Girls in my spare time (hahaha...more like time I should have been sleeping, besides today since I was sick and home from work and acting).

I think I really needed today. Just to chill and be a hermit in my room. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE what I do...it's just that sometimes, I like to have a day when I don't have to do anything. Which hardly happens unless I'm sick, because even on my one day off a week, even seeing people is sort of an obligation, even though I enjoy spending time with friends.

Since Marissa left, I've been down...realizing that it's going to be a year until I see her next, and that when that time comes that I have to leave so many people I love behind. It's going to be an interesting year. A full year to put it mildly. I have my two shows, then Dee has a show, then hopefully I'll be entering festivals in the Spring, and trying to make extra money to save for Chicago. Chicago. I'm actually moving to Chicago. That's a huge step. I'm taking a risk. I'm jumping off the cliff, and hoping I land somewhere moderately comfy.

Risk...that's what life is all about right? Risk...if you don't, you'll never really know. And how can you ever truly love if you don't risk being hurt? You can't. That's it, that's what I have to remember.

July till December...NEWS

Well...it never fails! The life of an artist is ALWAYS crazy and unpredictable. Since I returned home from Hawaii, it's been go go go! I worked lots of extra hours at the coffee shop during Stampede, did some extra babysitting, and lined up the rest of the summer. My mom came down for a week to help me through a bit of a rough time, and she got to see what my life is really like: running around with the kids, cleaning up after them, jetting out to work, then rehearsal, then maybe a babysitting job or an acting class. Yes, pretty hectic, but I love it!

On the 23rd I started rehearsals for A Twist Of Murder going up next week at The Calgary Fringe Festival, and it's been a GREAT learning experience (as all shows one does should be!)! I also had the opportunity to do a random job last week for WORKOPOLIS.COM handing out lunch bags to working professionals, downtown Calgary from 6am till 9am. Easy way to make some fast cash! My amazing friend Marissa will be coming back for the Fringe Festival on Monday, and I'm SUPER stoked about that! Also, I just was able to land some background work in a Disney Movie filming here in Calgary called "Snoglobe". I'll be downtown shooting all Wednesday night (6pm-6am)! Fun stuff. ALSO...I'll be doing a very small bit role in an independent film in a few weeks that a friend is Assistant Director of.

On top of that my theatre is lined up for my 2 fall shows: "BROKEN" written by Roger Mason and myself, Directed by Sharla Erik, and performed by.....ME, September 6-9, "MELVILLE BOYS" written by Norm Foster and Directed by Deanna Adam, December 5-8. I'll be acting in that one as well! Both shows will be held at The Birds and Stone Theatre.

So...needless to say, things are rolling along. this year is all about saving money for a BIG move to Chicago Illinois in September 2008!

Well, that's it in a nutshell for now...

hmmm...the battle

ok...hmm...well today is the day my friend Deanna arrives...yay! She was supposed to arrive a couple hours ago, but her flight from Calgary this morning was cancelled, so she arrives at 7:45pm HST. Yeah...we are 4 hours earlier than my home in Calgary.

This however is not really the reason I'm writing. It's been an interesting week. That's right. I've been here a week already! I have to say that it has been lovely to be able to relax so much. It's been kind of strange though. I sort of feel down, and I'm not quite sure why. no. I guess that's a lie. I do know why but i hate that I feel this way. This is for all you women like myself: SINGLE.

The reason I never took a holiday like this before on my own, was because I was waiting for someone to take me. I know that seems really childish and naive, but that's how I feel. And seeing couple after couple here...honeymooning or vacationing or just going to the beach on their day off has made me realize what I don't have.

I think I like to live a fairly independent life to show people in my life that I'm doing ok, that I'm making it on my own, only the few people I'm really close with know that I long for something so much more. I don't want to be a super independent single woman in her 30's...hear what I'm saying? I heard this beautiful song today: Beautiful Disaster. It was great because it is so true! And I'm not saying that I'm not hopeful because I am, it's just that because I don't have that quality of insane optimism like some (ahem...you know who you are!), I find myself doubting that it will ever happen.

I was talking to a friend the other day about just wanting desperately to be kissed. Yes, I left Calgary saying I just want to have a good make-out! But you know what?! That's not satisfying enough for me. I don't want to be kissed just for the sake of being kissed. I don't know if men know this or not, but it's not usually the physical that we're literally craving...it's what that physical step stands for. I want every responsibility that comes along with it. So what I'm saying is that I don't think I could actually go through with making out with some random guy, because I know that the reason I want to be kissed, and the reason the random guy wants to kiss me are entirely different...And sometimes I think it would be kinda cool if I could switch that button off so I could actually do the whole random thing, but really what would that be adding to my life? NOTHING. God says that he will give me the desire of my heart. I do believe that that will happen, but it is my downfall that I doubt by nature, that I am impatient, and that I am a woman who longs to be pursued the way a woman was meant to be pursued. And believe me when I say that I know things aren't happy ever after. I have had more than enough examples of that, but the thing is...I still want it. Bad stuff and all. I want the painful tears...because you know what that means? That you desperately love the person so much...

HAWAII BABY!

Well here I sit! I'm at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf in some small town I don't even know the name of on the island of Oahu! Here's the story so far:

Because of the 4 hour time difference, I went to bed extremely early yesterday and woke up extremely early this morning. I woke up made my breakfast of pop-tarts...ewww I know...let's just say the food in my cousin's house is not all that healthy or me-friendly! I finished watching The Wedding Planner which I had started last night...that was at about 6am. Oh wait...forgot the best part...the windows are all open in their house, so you fall asleep to birds and you wake up to them. It's beautiful! Except the goose across the street...yes the neighbour has a pet goose and gets high every night! hahahaha! So, after the movie and pop-tarts, I took a refreshing shower, got myself dressed (bathing suit and all), and packed a beach bag and my lap-top just in case. I had no idea where I was going, so a map wasn't really useful, but I had a car, so I just got in and drove! I ended up at this beautiful park on the ocean with a long but skinny beach. It was gorgeous! I arrived there around 8am and took a walk (in just my bathing suit) along the waterside. I layed in the sun and watched crabs come in and out of their little hiding spots, and the clouds move across the sun. At about 9 I decided to pack up and see what else I could see. I found myself though thinking about food, so I went in search of the market Michelle told me about. I found it quite easily (right off the highway) and loaded up on fruits and veggies...Michelle told me the prices were rediculous...I don't think they're bad at all. The only thing that was really steeply priced were the red, orange, and yellow peppers...mmmmm fresh fruits and veggies! I made my way home and unpacked all of my food and went to look through the phone book for an internet cafe. I was getting hungry by this time, so I made myself a sandwich and headed to their downstairs where I watched Pirates of the carribean 2...it was POURING rain by this time...but soooooo beautiful! None of this cold stuff...warm rain....mmmmmmmm!

I had quite the adventure this afternoon...I decided to go to Starbucks since Michelle left me a $5 gift card and hoping they would have wireless. They did have a connection, but you had to pay for it....$10 for the day...but I asked about another place (where I am now), and kept it in mind for later. I sat down with my chai and wrote 2 1/2 pages of a play I'm working on, and then left in search of the internet cafe! Well...this was interesting...I took 1 wrong turn, and was headed across the island, unable to turn around. No worries though since I was not in a hurry and the scenery was increadible! Really guys...the mountains you drive through are insane (in a much different way than the rockies)! I ended up almost in Pearl Harbour, but got myself onto the correct highway headed back in the direction of Kaneohe. I took a few wrong turns after that, but got to the town I was looking for and had to pull into a Salvation Army to ask someone where it was!

Well...needless to say I am having a glorious relaxing time! It's really nice not to be in the really touristy area!

More to come!

Oh...PS I'm drinking the most delicious frapped pomegranet tea!

how am i? (REALLY?)

What a loaded question. Usually I answer this question with "Good..." maybe I'd add "a little tired"...but how am I REALLY doing? I don't think most people understand that if you ask this question you might open a whole bag of worms. Now usually I just don't want to open that bag of worms with just anyone which is why I say I'm alright.

Now recently I've discovered that I really want someone to be there for me...I don't mean a Man but of course that would be nice...but what I mean is someone (other than Dee who is awesome by the way) that I can cry with or just be completely open with. So I've been told that the first step to that is just being as open as possible with the people I feel close with.

It's harder than it sounds. Why? Because I thought I WAS being open with them before, but now I find out that usually the way I'm feeling is not exactly what comes out of my mouth...

I guess I also have a fear that people will just think that I'm complaining or not "sucking it up". I find that I feel like I'm complaining already and if I were to actually admit how I'm feeling I would get torn apart...maybe it's not even that. It's more that I won't be understood and that people won't know HOW to talk to me so that I feel they understand or that they are supportive.

I'm tired...

High Maintenence

Ok...so what is with people who are high maintenence? I know that sometimes I have a glimmer of that in my own personality...but definitely not to the extreme!

If you have committed to a group activity and can't stand to try and move things around, and do things differently for 2 days...there's gotta be something wrong. You have to know that when you're planning something with more than just one other person that there needs to be compromise! You might have to bring things to work with you and come directly to meet up with people for the weekend instead of biking or walking to work. You might have to grab something to eat on the way out of town if dinner isn't going to be provided and you don't have time to go home. You might have to cancel plans you made Saturday night in order to be true to your commitment to the group.

I've decided, for this reason I don't really like organizing big group activities! And you know what? With this one, I even purposely arranged everything to be super low key...but when you're dealing with driving 3 hours out of town, you kind of need to arrange a leaving time and a coming home time! That's just the way it works! Arrrgh! The purpose of this trip is to get to know some new people...well I think I know this woman well enough to say I don't think I could stand being in a car with her for 3 hours let alone spend all day Saturday with her!

Hahahaha...I know this is all really judgemental...I'm really just saying this because I'm frustrated, and might have yet another person drop out from coming...SUCKS!

It's been a while!

Well...hello everyone once again! It's been longer than 40 days...but here I am. I've learned a lot through this all. I have learned that a little is fine, it's just when the computer and TV CONSUME me that I get carried away.

Last night was the opening night of THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES. It went well all in all. My body though, had decided the night before that it was time to cleanse its self. And I don't mean in a very pleasant sort of way! I had been up every hour that night sitting on my porcelain throne...LOVELY isn't it? So needless to say, yesterday was a little rough, but as the day went on I got progressively better. Deirdre and her friend Catherine were great at giving me advice about what to eat and drink (conji {SP?} and salty sweet drinks as well as taking a good dose of acidophiles). I still feel a little under the weather, but not nearly as bad as yesterday. I have 3 shows left and then it's done. Hard to believe!

My next projects include an original one woman show that I will put up in September, a play yet to be announced in November and the adaptation of my mom's "A Dance For All Seasons" in the spring of 2008. I am still keeping my eyes out for auditions that spark my interest, but when it comes down to it...I love doing my own work!

I'm just about to sit down and plan my vacation in June...to HAWAII! My cousin and her family live there, so I will be staying with them.

Other than that, my routine here at home has changed a bit with Fynn now homeschooling, and Deirdre training, so my work schedule has changed as well. Still have that 6-day work week. Ahhhhh...the life of an artist.

Love to all. I will be writing more frequently now, but am going to try to limit it to once every 2 weeks at the most. Hope to see or talk to everyone really soon:)

FASTING

Well everyone, I am going on a fast. Not a traditional fast from food, but a fast from t.v. myspace, blogger, msn, and any other mindless computer stuff. I have been putting off doing some of the things I really want to do because I too often sit in front of the tv or computer. So, for the next 40 days when I am home, I will not watch tv or movies, or go on myspace, blogger etc. Hopefully this will enable me to get going on the plays I want to finish, the pictures I want to paint, the books I want to read, the auditions I want to go to and the business of my theatre company. I love you all. Please pray for me. This is a large task! See you all in 40 days!

Fear of failure...RISK...the "unattainable"

So I was standing at the bus stop, amidst the never-ending snowfall thinking, "I hate that even though I LOVE my job, it's still hard to get motivated to get up and show up. I really want my own business. Why not? People do it all the time!" Really though, I always seem to come to the conclusion that it is unattainable. That I don't have what it takes. I would LOVE to be able to have something that I can call MINE. Something that I can live off of, be happy with (most of the time), and use all of my creative gifts. I think what scares me the most is the big picture. Maybe that's my problem. I always seem to look to the future, the end product instead of focusing on the present…what can I do right now? What is it that I want? What is one thing I can do to maybe get a step closer? Ultimately it is the fear of failure that always holds me back. I have been told many times in the past couple of years that administration is one of my gifts. "HAHAHAHA"! I said…WHAT?! No way! Me? Today someone shared with me why she thought that. I couldn't argue with her! So where do I begin? Right where I am. Start small. It could take a very long time. Maybe it won't. All I know is that I've wanted something like this, something of my own for a very long time. Some of you may be thinking, "Well, you had the guts to start your own theatre company!" Yes, well that Theatre Company has also been something I have been avoiding…avoiding no more. I am also realizing though, that I would rather have SILHOETTE plus a business, and not rely on my theatre company as an income. That way I can do whatever I want with it. Put up whatever shows I want, whenever I want. I'm just figuring this out as I sit here typing. This is me, completely raw. Someone told me "In risk you are protected". An interesting statement no? Risk keeps coming up. I can't get away from it. RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK RISK…something to think about!

A LONG ONE

In light of a few comments I have received I am posting some of the bloggs I posted on myspace for you all. I didn't realize that it has been almost a month since I have posted anything here!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Sick (again?!) Current mood: sleepy
Well, I'm sick again (hence the title). What is with this? Ok...I work around kids all the time, and people have been sick lately. But why is my body so accepting to these viruses? My immune system is down. Why? As my chiropractor would say... "You haven't been eating well for the past couple months have you?!" My answer: "NO". So I deserve a kick in the rear. I KNOW that my body suffers when my food intake isn't balanced. I've been eating carbs and sugar mostly. The odd healthy thing, but when it came down to it, I would choose the carb or fatty or unhealthy thing over vegetables or things like that. Now I know most of us are like that, but I have experienced what it feels like to be healthy! It's great. The problem is, you have a little bit of junk and you think "oh...that wasn't bad", then before you know it you're tossed into a never ending snowball effect! Well, luckily, I live with a family that is willing to help me out. Deirdre came home yesterday with all sorts of yummy food that I can eat that's better for me. Wheat is a huge thing...it's addictive! So she brought me some rice pasta and some spelt and kamut buns...veggie burgers, soy yogurt...anyhow...I'm gonna try again because I can't stand being sick so often. I'm at home from work today hoping that a day of rest will do me good.
Stay sane...eat well

Wednesday, January 31, 2007
I'm a mom...who knew?! Current mood: tired Category: Life
Well...I think that today was the first day since I've lived here that I felt more like a mom than a "nanny". I started off the day by driving Fynn and his friend Femke to school...then driving myself to the chiropractor (without Kai for a change) I get this feeling I should check my cell, and low and behold I had missed about 10 calls from Deirdre. She was stuck on the side of the road (car broke down) and needed me to come pick her up. Then after turning around, picking her up and driving her to her mom's house I made it to my appointment with just enough time to drive home so Billy could leave for work. Kai and I baked Double Chocolate cookies (vegan of course), and made a book. But the point of this whole blog really? The fact that I could give out consequences and hold them as well as being able to talk about why I was choosing that and what decisions they could make in order to avoid that next time. Yikes my legs are totally full of pins and needles from sitting on them while rubbing backs for bedtime!!!!! Guess I'm getting prepared for the day (probably far far away) that I have my own little ones. I still have to clean the kitchen, prepare snacks/lunches for tomorrow and work on my monologue, plus prepare for 2 auditions...WOW...chat with yall soon:)

Monday, January 22, 2007
Dating Current mood: tired Category: Romance and Relationships
Okay. So I'm not really used to this whole dating thing. Every boyfriend I've had (few), I've been friends with and then in a relationship.
Let me preface what I'm about to say with the fact that I haven't been in a relationship or gone on a date in 3 years. And before that, 2 years.
So...there's this guy that comes into the coffee shop 2-3 times a day. Nice guy. Cute. Never thought I could date him, but after a while he sort of grew on me. I didn't really know anything about him except what my colleagues and boss had to say about him. After chickening out once, I finally worked up the nerve to give him my phone number (yes I know....that's a whole other story!). Long story short he called, and we went out last night.
Now since my faith has become more a part of my life, I haven't really dated so I didn't really know what to expect. I didn't think it could hurt going out with a guy just to test the waters...well it didn't hurt but it made me realize why it is that people of the same faith generally choose to date each other rather than going out with just anyone.
First thing I noticed (all of the following were little red flags) was the swearing. F this and Fing whatever...a little much for me. Number 2: talking about his past sex life (YIKES), including a story that involved a sex toy party! Number 3: saying "whoever decided that spanking was a bad idea is an idiot" (I'll blog one day about my thoughts on that).
Overall...we did have a good time chatting. But that's it. No desire to kiss him or go on another date. Did I mention he's bald? I'm sorry that seems really shallow of me, but it's not that I thought he was UGLY because of it, I just seem to be attracted to men with hair. I'm a hair girl: face, head, chest...now I do have limits...Robin Williams would be a little much!
It sounds like I'm really talking down about him. I can tell he's a really nice guy. Just not on the same page as I am.
Well, my leap into dating had a not so great start, but... A for effort!

Sunday, January 21, 2007
I Remember Current mood: exhausted Category: Life
So I remember now why it is definitely not a great idea to drink more than a couple of drinks in one night. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I make a fool of myself? Yes. Did I only get 3 1/2 hours of sleep? Yes. Do I feel pretty shitty right now? Yes. Overall...not worth it. It's fun to have a couple of drinks, but when your inhibitions are lowered that much...it's a scary thing. You could do anything. Haven't had that much to drink in 5 years. That's a long time.

Motivation, Inspiration, Vocation, Procrastination

Hmmm...it seems like these thoughts keep emerging in me.

I seem to get inspired very easily, but it is also true that the inspiration only lasts a short while. So here I am not quite sure of what I should be pursuing or not. Well...that's not entirely true. I know that what I'm doing is good...but I want to do better, and more! So how do I decide what ONE thing to add. Okay...I wasn't meaning to sound sneaky about this...I have just realized that I really miss dance and singing, and I miss acting regularly...

...So how do I do it all? My first instinct???? To sit down and write up an insane schedule with everything I want to be doing included...Getting up early to go work out, putting money aside to take vocal training and more dance training. But I have done this before (the scheduling I mean). I KNOW that overwhelming myself only pushes me farther from where I want to be.

EXAMPLE: I had made up budget after budget, but could never really seem to keep on track with my money. Finally, I just did one simple thing: I left my wallet at home! Simple and Specific (hahaha....all my acting buddies will see how funny that last sentence was)...it's just like Meisner...you need to be simple and specific, or else you won't be able to accomplish the goal. BABY STEPS...thanks Dr. Marvin...and Bob.

But I'm still left here wondering if I should even bother pursuing all of these things...the sad thing is that acting, singing, and dancing isn't the end of the list...I want to get back into piano, start speaking Spanish again, learn the guitar, paint...SEE???? It's overwhelming.

MEDIOCRE still comes to mind. I think that that is my ultimate fear. Only ever being mediocre.

Huh...I'm stressed out, but what am I doing about it? Sitting in this lousy computer chair staring into a bright monitor! I feel sort of paralyzed...I've had a bad couple of weeks...but not so obviously. I have been procrastinating a lot. I have felt unmotivated to go to Jazz class. I have been eating almost completely carbs, and lots of them (sugar included). The worst part? I've been spending most of my free time in front of this damn thing or the TV. This is the most productive I've been in a couple weeks.

Well, maybe I'm being too hard on myself. I don't know.

RAW Productions is CHANGING

Over the past 3 or 4 months I have been considering changing the name of my company. Why? This first reason: I googled RAW Productions and about a million things came up. Secondly...there was just something that wasn't sitting right with me. So here it is...
SILHOUETTE
That's right. Just one word. It sums it up.
Dark mystery...hidden truth...unexpected beauty...fragile shell...secret dreams...
A silhouette is so mysterious and beautiful. It tempts you to know more, makes you ask questions. The contrast of dark and light is so appealing to the naked eye. A silhouette is brave enough to tell the truth but only reveals what the viewer is ready to see.

2006 IN A NUT SHELL!

Well...for those of you who have only been tuning in since I set up this blogg...here is what the past year looked like for me...

JANUARY 2006

I rung in the New Year in the basement of my parents house with my mom, my dad and my good friend Roger...Shortly thereafter I was able to take a quick trip to NYC with my mom!!!! YAY! We went to see...Chicago, an Opera at the Met...and the best of ALL...THE COLOR PURPLE!!!! What an experience that was! After a very short 3 day trip...it was back to Trail BC...then after a cancelled flight to Calgary...a long night bus ride back to my last semester of school... Rehearsals began right away for our upcoming Musical Showcase and our Spring show Busybody. January 21st my best friend Marissa got engaged...getting married in JUNE! January 28th...the 23rd Anniversary of my birth...pretty wonderful hey?!

FEBRUARY

We kicked off February with the Musical Theatre Showcase which...looking back was pretty horrific...hmmm...that's a little harsh...some good some bad I guess...Songs from Godspell (my favorite), Carousel, Annie, and How To Succeed In Business. Other that the continuous rehearsals the rest of February was pretty uneventful.

MARCH

The most eventful part of this month? Busybody...all consuming rehearsals...teck week and show...quite a stressful ending...was thankful to be done! Also was the month of distributing Headshots and resumes...FUN ;)

APRIL

I found a job (phew) as a nanny and started working weekends and the occasional evening so Audrey (18mo.) could get used to me. Crunch time for our solo performances...stayed up all night and re-wrote my entire show...a little scary...vulnerable as all hell...EXPOSED: performed the first night...woke up that night puking...and such...spent the next day in emerg where it was determined I had an infection in my colon...YUCK! Had to miss my second and last performance of EXPOSED...and my very first audition :( Mended after about 2 weeks...then a week before graduation! YAY!!! I'M AN ACTOR!

MAY

An eventful month...I moved in with my former dance instructor Deirdre Young and her family to be a part time live in nanny...I don't pay rent...they don't pay child care...it's a nice arrangement! I had my first audition with Theatre Junction...amazing experience...didn't get a callback, but made the discovery that I would like to create my own work and start my own company! I began to nanny more regularly...and began rehearsals for Deirdre's dance company: Quenched Pure Performance's premiere show UNVEILED. Marissa and Peter got married May 13th in Orangeville Ontario...so I flew out there for about 4 or 5 days as I was the maid of honor...wow!

JUNE

We began June with UNVEILED...a complete success! Stressful...but a success none the less! It was revealed to me that the family I nannied for was moving unexpectedly at the end of the month...so I found another family with 3 children and began there right away. Since school had ended I was still having stomach pains which I thought might be related to my colon infection... I started a fairly strict diet of no salicylates...most of you don't know what those are...let's just say a chemical found it pretty much every plant...just less in some and more in others. So...very limited. I soon took out wheat and sugar as well, because my stomach was still acting up...started to see pounds melting off! YAY! I had auditions for the original show I was attempting to put up in August! I was also able to get back to Trail for Steps Dance Company's Alumni Reunion! We all served as MC's and even performed at the end of the first act! Awesome hey?!

JULY

A big family reunion in Trail to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday...a huge success...stressful still. My good friends Maralee and James got married July 1st! Way to go! When I got back to Calgary (this being about 4 weeks since my complete hypo allergenic diet) I finally got into my naturopath...only to discover that the stomach pains...all because of STRESS!!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!! So, though relieved to hear I could eat normally again...a little unsure as to how to stop putting all my stress in my stomach. One way? I quite my brand new nanny position because I was getting depressed. I found a job at Community Natural Foods in the Cafe...and started to meet lots of people! YAY! I also began rehearsals for my show to be called AT RISK under construction...

AUGUST

Busy as usual... I was able to join my crazy friend Kristen in the States while on the last leg of her cross-country tour! I flew into Florida...and visited/drove through...Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Georgia, South Carolina, North Carolina, West Virginia, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Michigan...wow...we visited friends and family, and had tons of fun. I came back to crunch time on my show (not to mention my friend's [SHARLA] wedding) and put it up in front of an audience the last week of the month!!!!! What an accomplishment!

SEPTEMBER

I began rehearsals right away for an FET production... Went to a writing workshop with Lucia Frangione, had my first Film audition, and started a Jazz class at DJD.

OCTOBER

More rehearsals, Thanksgiving with my Calgary fam, a 10 hour Dance Class Marathon!, obtaining an AGENT!!!! YAY!!!, auditioned for and got a role in THE VAGINA MONOLOGUES, and dressed up for Halloween!

NOVEMBER

Rehearsals get more intense... I finally meet my cast mates with TVM at "The Vagina Meet and Greet", go into teck week for HALO and get laryngitis...super sick...miss lots of work...oh yeah at my new job! My boss was awful...you can read a few posts back...found an amazing boss! FINISHED HALO!!!!

DECEMBER

Started rehearsals for TVM, auditioned for and called back to (though didn't get the part) "This Is For You Anna", had a Thanksgiving-Hanuka-Christmas-Dinner-Extravaganza"!!! Fun Times...and travelled back to BC where I spent Christmas with my family...beautiful niece and nephew who were extremely hard to say goodbye to:(

SO I guess that wasn't really a nutshell...but it was the last year of my life...what do you expect?

A Question Answered?

For those of you who are wondering about the Vagina Monologues and why I'm doing it...here's one of the reasons...our Director works with numbers of young women...read a bit of her story (This is who we are giving the money to from ticket sales):

I am at the shelter right now and am sitting here thinking about this huge endeavor we are all taking on. I just realized yesterday that I think a huge root of the pain that our girls are feeling is being unseen and unheard. We treat them like ghosts, so for alot of them, that is what they become to themselves. They come from so much pain and horror that it seems like an impossibility for them to pick themselves back up again.

I have to admit that I have been feeling very scared and burnt out myself lately; questioning why I am still here at Safe Haven and feeling desperate to see the girls get what they deserve from their lives. It is a very heartbreaking struggle most of the time. But, I want you to know that hope DOES exist here. Girls do overcome addiction, laugh at loud at the worst of times, and become children again when we make gingerbread houses or dance to cheesy radio music. They reach out for a hug even after they have been mistreated by every single person in their life. This is true courage. This is why I stay. You will make a difference in their lives.

Please know that even if we didn't raise one single penny from this play that every one of you is changing the future forever. We will be radiating energy and knowledge that can never be destroyed or tampered with. No one, and I mean no one, walks out of that theatre unchanged or unenlightened. We are an army and no one can defeat us. Our weapon is love.

Educate yourself on teenage prostitution and violence against women and girls. We have the power to stand up and say "Wake up! Teenage prostitution is slowly killing young girls in our city." I am sure that you, like myself, always felt almost "powerless" to do anything to change violence against women. You are living that opportunity RIGHT NOW. Take it and stand up for every women and child you know that has been bruised, ridiculed, tortured, and undervalued. Do it for the small girl inside of yourself who so desperately wants to heal. Free her.

Never ever underestimate your power. You are a Goddess and a Warrior. You have survived the unthinkable. We all have. Stand with your head up and your shoulders strong. You are strong. You are magnificent.

Live it. Love it. Be it.

Marsha Ellen Meidow